I feel like such a loser today. I came home for lunch and just cried and cried. This morning, my ex called me up while I was driving to work and told me that she wanted me to help her paint, install in flooring and do other stuff around her new loft when they move in at the middle of the month. She asked me if I can take a few days off of work to help. Then she told me out of the blue, "you know I am never going to be your girl friend or wife again - that said I need your help with the loft."
I was doing so fine this week until today. Why did she have to say that? I felt like crap the whole day. To make matters worse, my daughter was asking my ex if her friend could pick her up at the daycare and I told me ex that I felt that only I or her should be picking our daughter up. My ex then told me that her friend can pick up our daughter anytime he wants and that she is not going to remove him from our daughters life. She then reminded me that I was the one who left and that her friend was there for our daughter when I wasn't.
Well, I felt even more crappy. I just wish I could run away from everything. I told me ex that I understand and left it at that. I felt like a my stock went down a few points because of that conversation. Whenever my ex feels that I am jealous of her best friend, I know her image of me lessens. I really try not to bring up her friend or say positive things about him, but who knows.
Sometimes I wonder if I am only setting myself up for greater pain later by trying to reconcile. I know I will feel better tomorrow, but today that is just how I am feeling and I know that there are going to be more days like this until things get better. But in the mean time I will cry, shout and feel defeated - and yet somehow garner the strength to keep pressing on regardless of how I feel at the moment. I have to stay focus on the end goal here.
