Jayce's thread

[Jayce]

OK, first, Bagheera: I get all that. Remember, I didn't fall off the turnip truck recently LOL. Also been around a lot of guys in my earlier career. Come to think of it, in this one as well. My dad wasn't like that. Mom deferred to him in a lot of ways, but he was -well, as a couple - they were apparently ahead of the times. I remember mom's friends sometimes telling her she "got one of the good ones." I recall exactly one time that I heard him say something that might be considered 'macho' except it wasn't - he truly meant what he said. The threat was implied, but unmistakable. The incident was a one-time thing and very serious, nearly life threatening. He didn't do stuff like that all the time just to be keeping the world at large in line or affirming that he was a man to be reckoned with.

He once said there was no way a man could know what was important to a woman and no way a woman could know what was important to a man. Mom wanted a dining room set, he wanted a tractor. She was upset. They talked and worked it out. I didn't know about it till I was an adult. They also talked and agreed about how I would be raised & they'd never overrule each other. If I tried to play one off againsts the other I caught hell.LOL

As a result of my home life, and probably education, I didni't take people seriously when they'd say or react in ways I thought were - I don't know - just not real. I expected better of people in general. At least in the ones I cared enough for to be close to. Silly me. But then, I've had experience w/people who know how things should go, things but don't do them that way, purposely or not.

The thing about the New Male Sexuality book that'll be hard to get past is the exercises. To some extent he does try to be nice, pleasant, cooperative, etc. etc. but not only is the fence still there, I think he truly thinks that'll fix everything. That as soon as he's nice we're on a good footing, no problem any more. And its not that he's not listening. I know he hears/heard me especially cuz he told me to drop it for awhile. I did ask him if he'd thought about the questions since I've been staying off the subject(me:to give him time, him: hoping I'll forget it?)Got the usual sigh & "I don't know". The silence is scary in a way. He could open up as I've always hoped he would, or he could tell me he's just being nice so I won't get upset and cry and he can stand to be around me even tho he's wanted to leave or I have actually been the person I feel like in terms of SSW.

A couple months ago I read him the list of why people have low libido including anger, its the partner, sexual abuse as a kid... The last time anything was said, maybe 3 weeks ago, he said he wasn't abused as a kid. Kinda blurted it out. Maybe he needs help sorting it out. This book would work for that. I'm just not sure he doesn't already know and won't tell me.

So, onward into the weekend. I'm whacked from getting up at 4:30. Too sunny to waste the aft. napping. Maybe I can walk the dog. Do NOT feel like yard work.
Have fine weekend. Thanks for all your insights and patience.

A similar book, if one exists, would probably put me in a position of having to relearn life. I wasn't exactly traditional all the way back to kid years except for wanting to be married and have kids. Then again, heck no. I was before my time, too. Loved cutting the grass, fixing stuff, having my own tool box (so I could find 'em) hated cleaning house, wanted to teach math. No elementar kids for me, no nursing or secretay stuff. No frail, fainting flower. No batting eyelashes, or candy ass stuff.
I am a handful, I am, but not so much anymore. I seem to have had the stuffing kicked out of me the past few years. The spine of steel inherited from gramma seems to be rusting.