Jayce's thread

[Bagheera]

Good morning, Jayce;

You deserve a great deal of credit for turning what could have been a disastrous and contentious evening into a starting place. You did exactly the right thing by VERY DILIBERATELY biting your tongue, biding your time, and being *patient*. I do understand how difficult that was for you.

You wrote:

I've been reading the New Male Sexuality book I got at the libe. I'm definitely buying it and he's definitely reading this one, not negotiable. The man is CLUELESS just like many in the book. I can't believe ALL men are like this.

All men share the characteristics described in Zilbergeld's book, but to varying degrees. In order to understand why, pay particular attention to his chapters describing how men are raised to become men, and how that effects our interactions with women in adulthood. A few key points, from my own upbringing:

1) Feminine behavior is not tolerated.

I can remember being told: don't act like a girl, don't sit/stand/run/throw/fight like a girl, and don't play like a girl (playing 'house', with dolls, etc.). Doing *anything* 'like a girl' will cause you to be criticized and/or rejected by both the adult men in your life and your peers.

So I was deliberately taught that displaying behavior that emphasized relationships, caring, nurturing, sharing feelings was unmanly.

2) The only valid *negative* emotion that a man is permitted to show is ANGER: everything else is forbidden and makes you look weak and feminine.

For example, I had an uncle that would yank me over and hold his hands like a cup in front of me if I ever broke into tears in his presence: "Come over here and cry me a handful!" he'd say loudly and mockingly. Showing fear, hurt, disappointment, etc. in my Dad's presence would earn me a scowl, NOT comfort and reassurance. Being angry, being agressive, however, WAS permitted and encouraged.

So I was deliberately taught that a man channels all of his negative emotions into anger, or does not show them at all. You learn to push them aside, ignore them, overcome them, and *never* express them openly. In order to maintain the level of control expected, you learn to detach yourself from your emotions, especially negative or 'feminine' ones.

3) Manhood must be earned.

Given the standards of the men around me while I was growing up, I never even considered myself to be a MAN until I was about 20 years old and completely self-sufficient, self-reliant, and on my own. When I was 32 and lost my eyesight, I also felt like I had lost my manhood, and had to re-earn it again from scratch, not just having to regain my independence but also my ability to support my wife and children again.

This concept, that manhood is not a given based upon gender, but a status that must be *earned*, puts a LOT of pressure on the man, and anything that calls your status into question -- such as an inability to perform sexually -- can have a magnified effect on how you feel about yourself. It isn't just your sexual performance that is at issue: it's your entire identity as a man. So avoidance of the issue and extreme defensiveness are common responses -- rather than working with your partner to address the problem.

Now, before you condemn my three points above, I'd like you to think about the following: Every point above was enforced upon me, not just by the men in my life, but ALSO by the women. These were the traits that mothers, grandmothers, and aunts EXPECTED me to develop --> they encouraged it, they applauded it when I displayed these masculine traits, and they lambasted me when I didn't, just about as much as the men. The truth is, WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO MASCULINE TRAITS, and encourage them in the young men under their charge.

There is a Catch-22 here, particular in today's modern society where there is a drive to androgynize both men and women:

** Women today are encouraged to adapt more masculine traits, especially in the workplace, and are even taught that being too feminine, too girly, is a bad thing. Yet men are still sexually attracted to a woman who is in touch with and knows hows to flaunt her femininity. **

** Men today are encouraged to adapt more feminine traits, especially in the home, and are even taught that being too masculine, too gruff, is a bad thing. Yet women are still sexually attracted to a man who is in touch with and knows hows to flaunt his masculinity. **

In both cases, many of the very things that frustrate us to no end in a relationship are the very same things that make our mate sexually attractive to us. Fun, huh?

So yes: your husband needs to learn how to discuss and express his feelings to you better, rather than disappearing into his 'man cave.' He needs to open up, discuss, and work toward fixing some very sensitive issues, for the good of the relationship and your mutual happiness. And yes, he has a lot to learn about women, how to stay emotionally connected to them, romance them, and seduce them (the eleventh hour "don't you want to fool around" is very typical male behavior).

BUT....he's got a lifetime of conditioning behind his current behavior, and it takes a lot of time and effort to overcome this conditioning. And in doing so, he will have maintain a high enough level of masculinity to (a) continue to qualify himself as a "MAN," and (b) keep you sexually attracted to him. Bernie Z makes it sound easier than it is.

Some food for thought,

-- B.