Trying2live- the new post 1

[hope3343]

better night for D15. H came over after work and asked her to come see his apt and do her homework there. He bought ice cream also. She went and is still there. H sat with me on the front porch and talked about work etc. I did get emotional and start to cry. This is so hard. I did some cleaning today and put our new comforter on the bed which H noticed. Tomorrow he goes away to whereever with OW. Guess to celebrate that he moved out.
T2L, Hope you plan works!

[Trying2live]

Ok guys I'm in full and heavy Plan A. It's going amazing! Here's all the invitations he has accepted. Mind you I will only be in Plan A until Halloween because I have already been in this mess over 5 months and him out of the home for 5 months.
Hope I don't know but for as much as your H has shed tears I really think this Plan may work for you. You will learn a lot of how your marriage functioned as well. Just a thought.

So he has accepted to come to the house tomorrow to do 1/2 home maintenance and join us for dinner. I will dog gonnit find the strength to be sweet happy confident and under no circumstances talk about our relationship or any negative emotions. I will expect nothing from him and try to meet his top 5 emotional needs to the best I can(you find out what they are in the book by doing the questionnaire). I expect him to possibly pull away and even say mean things and I am choosing to have pre-set response like, "your funny, and smile".

He has said he will come back on sunday to finish the rest of the chores and will join us for lunch after church. Thursday will be disneyland and 3 days later is my sons actual birthday and he has accepted and invitation to lunch at the house for son with 3 of our closest church friends. He also accepted and invitation to be with us Halloween evening-for my son he says. Not gonna be moved by that comment either. My Plan A is in full swing. Plan A goal, meet top 5 emotional needs until halloween letting him taste the cake just a bit and feeling what it "could" be like if he came home to reconcile.

Then after Halloween comes going to Plan B. Going dark. Sending a love letter. In the letter apologizing for any part I played in fostering an atmosphere and not meeting any needs(had to do some soul searching and the book explains soooo much, notifying him that I must cut off all contact with him, not to get back at him but to preserve the love that I have for him so if he wants to come back I will still have love. That if I continue sharing my life with OW at some point I will have no love left and even if he wanted to come back I may not want it. Explain in the letter to him that He will go to a mediator of my choice(mutual friend) for all visitations, financial issues and all contact until he is ready to cut off complete contact with OW and sign a contract for reconciliation(in the book). Until then please respect my wishes.

That's it in a nutshell. I feel better and in the end no matter what way it went i feel I gave it my best.
And also GAL'ing still, moving forward and learning who I am with out him. I think that's really important. Knowing that I can be just me and the kids and have peace and security and to walk with God at the same time. Then if reconciliation comes it will be sweeter because I'll be stronger and more secure in God and in myself.

Anyways I hope you are all hanging in there. You all are much more incredibly stronger than you imagine and remember your daughters are watching you and you are setting an example and I know it's hard.
Be confident in your sorrow and lean on God to be your strength. No begging, promise me and yourself. We don't want our daughters or son's begging any significant other for their love. You are above begging, not in a prideful way. You deserve love freely.
Today is a stronger day for me and when I'm down I know I can come here and you guys will be there for me next.

G'night friends....

[TxMomw/2girls]

T2L.. awesome and I love your plan... I don't have the book yet but I love your plan and I've been incorporating Plan A a bit too... talking Love Language and filling love bank... also continue to make my 180

The more they are with us and family the less with OW .... like you said if you do it short term it makes since ... as hard as it is and will be... stay strong...

Tonight was huge for me... Please Please go read my post ... my thread is long... my H showed remorse and cried almost like a baby for the first time in 5 weeks since he dropped the bomb... We hugged like we didn't want to let go.. gosh it confirms how I miss him so much. He was finally the man I married, sentitive and emotional... but it isn't like he begged me to take him back... so me being nice this week has allowed him to open up... please give me your feed back after you read.. " H moving out.. Update - Helps" is my thread... I feel like I need hope..

hang in there ladies. I need to go to bed

[twinhope]

T2L, I am glad your plan is starting off well. I received the book the other day and I am almost done with it. I feel that I have doing a version of Plan A for months now. I have done pretty well DB and asking him to do things, sending texts, offering my friendship. It has been so hard b/c he has not accepting doing anything and I have offered more times with our D's and he always has plans. I feel that according to the book I have to move to Plan B. He is really attached to her and is choosing her over me and our girls all the time. I prayed to God the other night to give me a sign that I should go ahead with Plan B. The next morning I dropped my girls off at daycare and my daycare provider told me that she was really concerned for my H. She thinks that he looks very depressed and it has been getting worse. She then told me that he brought the OW to pick up the girls 2wks ago. I saw this as my sign that he just really does not care about my feelings and that he is cake eating. When he sees me he tells me I look good, gives me long hugs with rubbing of the back, when he does not hear from me he calls to make sure I am ok. He is throwing me bones. He thinks I am ok with his A and that we can be best of friends. His C has told him it can't happen and he really needs to stop giving me hugs it is just inappropriate.

A bad situation happened yesterday and I wanted to see what you all thought. I had tried to call him to talk about the girls and he did not answer. He called me back 1/2hr. later and left a message I was outside with the girls. He then called to say goodnight to the girls and I missed his call. I called him back and he did not answer so I left him a quick message. It was really no big deal. He then tried to call me on my cell and home phone the next day and left no message. Then he called again an 1hr later and I was at my neighbors house. He left a message and sounded frustrated that he could not get a hold of me and wanted to know what I called him for. I got tied up and was not able to call him back. He then called again at after lunch and left the most depressed message about how our D's doctor called and needed a urine sample and wanted me to make sure that the message was not old. He sounded terrible! I then texted him back that the message was old and that it was from July and that our D was ok. 2 minutes later this is what I got from him on text:

H: Okay well they are going to charge us for non compliance if they don't get one. So what gives on being able to get a hold of you. What did you need last night?
I did not respond yet:
8mins later:
H: Whatever. You called me. Stop the game. I have tried to call five times since I got your message and your going to act like your not going to give me the time of day unless it has to do with the girls..Fine with me. Stop acting like a child.
2mins later:
H:The more you stress me out with these little stunts the worse its going to be for you not me.

I finally got a chance to respond and I wrote:
Me: I am sorry that you feel that way. I am getting my nails done. It was nothing important. I have been busy today.

I have no idea what to think of this. I really did nothing. I think he is just so upset that he can't control me. Just b/c I had not been able to call him back he flipped a lid. I don't know if I should move forward with Plan B. It is obvious how he acts when he can't get a hold of me. I need some advice. You all seem to making steps in a good direction.

Hope, I know it is difficult, I know that it doesn't feel like it now but it does get easier. Keep strong and keep your changes up and your H will notice. This time will allow you to get even stronger and be ever so attractive to your H.

TxMom, I had a night like that with my H back in July. He showed remorse, emotion, we kissed, hugged. It was like he returned for a moment. But he has not done it since. I do think it is a good sign. Use that as your motivation to keep going. He is confused and totally addicted to the OW and can't see anything else. He needs that fix to stay happy. All of our H's R with the OW will die out. They have to. They are built on lies and being dishonest.

[Trying2live]

TwinHope,
What I had said the similar thing that I had sorta did a plan A and I was told that I cannot do a sorta Plan A. It needs to be an actual Plan A.
Have you taken the test in the back of the book, but not for yourself. Your going to take it and answer it as if it was your H taking the test, to the best you can, that way you can determine his highest 5 emotional needs.
When I took it I thought it would be one thing but it was a little different than I thought and I did my best to be as honest as I could, even though that meant I would have some responsibility. I found that I fell into the disrespectful judgments category.
Man oh man, who knew, it didn't seem that way but when he explains what that really is it was an eye opener. You want to do a FULL Plan A meeting all 5 of his top needs, even if that's only for 2 or 3 weeks.
The point of that is several reasons. 1. You want H to see some adjustments in the way you interact. and 2. My most important reason is when I go dark and into Plan B I want him to have something to look back at with good memories and feelings of love.
his is so important since our communications the last 5 months have hardly been at all. All email and maybe only 2 times a month 3 the most and it's all been lash outs from him and mis-communications plus he has rewritten the marital history and only remembers bad for the last 18 1/2 years.
I want the next 4 weeks to be a taste of what things "could" be. So what I was told is Plan A must be a well thought out and complete Plan A.
If you feel you have met his emotional needs, he can see changes and your comfortable knowing you left him with a taste of what could be and memories of love and most important your at the end of your rope and you need to preserve and amount of love that you have for him then by all means move to Plan B.
But your Plan B must be well thought out in every avenue because when you do go dark, you do not want to come out period unless he meets the conditions of the Plan B letter. Your mediator chosen, visitation and financial stuff etc. everything must be put in the Plan B letter. Your Plan B letter must be well thought out too. I can get you some examples too if you need them. I chose a mediator that is friend to both of us.
Only you can decide when your ready to go into Plan B, you'll know when your love gets low and you need to save it.
My H is probably cake eating too since the only thing I've done is cut off most communications with him, but I don't really care right now because I'm focused on trying to create 30 days of hopefully something he'll want back when I go dark. So for 30 days he gets cake, but after that I am ready and fully capable to go dark, I did it 90% once and I will do it again. In the end either he'll miss it or I'll be ready to live with out his since I'm already using a mediator. Make sense? Let me know if there is anything I can help you with. And of course keep GAL'ing....

[twinhope]

Thanks that really does make sense. I do need to finish the book. My C thought that Plan B was a good idea but thought it needed to be modified. I guess that in the book Why Men Cheat there are plans too. I have not read that book yet. I really don't know how to act right now after his outburst on texts. He is so mad at me and I did not even do anything. I am feeling guilty and I know I shouldn't. Thank you so much for your support. All of you on this site have been so helpful. My husband left home on 5/09 right before mother's day. That was so fun for me!

[Trying2live]

Don't feel guilty. In this case it's false guilt. Cast that right off. It's hard to know what to think or feel because of the alien invasion of our H's bodies. A friend said to me, if you argue or reason with a mad man what does that make you.

When they commit these acts they justify everything and re-write the history, so stop explaining. Even if there were a hundred great times all they will see if the other 5 bad times. Find out if you had any part in the break down(that does not mean in any way shape or form it makes it okay or is your fault at all).

Find out who you are now and learn confidence in you. That's what I'm fighting for and learning. To be okay just lil old me and the kids. I cannot and refuse to only be happy and confident if my H is at my side. so ya know what if he comes back I know it will be a lot sweeter because I, and you, will have grown.

The bible says a soft answer turns away wrath. Find something to casually say for the missing the texts. It's not a big deal that he is making a big deal, but you cannot, and none of us right, expect any amount of normalcy and rational thinking. They are in the alien fog. The faster you learn this the faster you move through these things that seem like set backs but really are opportunities to grow. Maybe say Oh gosh my battery died or somehow the ringer was turned off, I would have answered if I knew it had meant that much to you and casually walk off and act indifferent, confident, cheerful and cool. That's confidence. Sometimes the more we explain, we think it's caring, but they see it as insecure and that's unattractive.

I'm an explainer so I really have to work on it. I can explain forever and my H is like okay bare facts please. That's why completing the questionnaire in his place is super important to see what is important to HIM. I was also told about the 5 languages of Love by Gary Chapman. A friend said if you are trying to love him through admiration but he needs it through physical contact or gifts of love then we can miss the mark because we love them the way we want to be loved and not the way they need their loves needs met.

Well ladies and gents, who knew there was so much we, at least for me didn't have in my repertoire and tool box for marriage. There's so much to learn.
I'll pop in and out all day. H is going to be here this evening. Gonna pray up get focused on my target and be myself(Lord help me) but I'm done being intimidated. Done, done, done.
XOXO

[hope3343]

hi ladies, sitting home sick, achy and feverish. I kept feeling a little "off" for a few days and attributed to the 'move'
Even though H is off from work today he gets business calls so I texted him telling him I was sick in case anyone questioned it. He called me to see how I felt and he said I sounded terrible. I told him thanks for calling and take care. No mention of him going away.
T2L you have a great game plan. You are the spin master. Your H won't know what hit him. Do you have any idea of how the relationship with OW is going these days? I need to get into the groove before I put an official Plan A in place. Need to get over these emotional breakdowns. But I plan to work on the love bank ideas. H is coming over Sunday to work on the lawn (I find this so odd because the last few months he did nothing at all), I will make a fuss about the work he does. T2L you are lucky that he accepted all of those invites with you. I was pretty sad because we both got invited to a Halloween party and he said yesterday he does not want to go. OW will be there also so it might be just as well.
Twinhope, it sounds like the control is kicking in for H. He is still trying to control the marriage even if he is not there. Since he moved in May it is time to start getting a plan A in place. I have to get a plan together also. With the holidays and us going to CT (not H), I might wait till we come back and launch my attack. Or maybe set up Plan A for a month prior to me leaving and then giving H letter for Plan B. Just do not know who to use as mediator. You have us all thinking.
TxMom, Isn't it sad seeing the real H that has been wrapped up in his MLC addiction. We do remember why we still love them. will go to your stich also. take care everyone. I feel bad we have not heard from Jgrind. I hope she is ok

[Trying2live]

Ok guys just jumping on quickly. He's been here since 3PM. Were talking and making eye contact something we havent done in 5 months.
Had dinner with us, said thanks you made my favorites. He played a few rounds of a board game with us. He is on couch watching iron man with the kids. Hope he falls asleep so the OW gets mad. I'm sure he told him he had late appointments. But going good.
He'll be popping in tomorrow for the football game and then back sunday to meet us for lunch after church and finish chores.
Ok i'll be back later and let you know how it ended.
OXOX

[hope3343]

whoa whoa, you go girl. Just checkng in I have the flu bad. I pray for you that this works. H won't know what hit him. Let us know how you made out but so far so good.