I believe in Miracles

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

Thanks for your post! I always love to hear from new people :). I think there must have been some misunderstanding as there isn't an OW in the picture, am 99% sure, and he has always promised not to even date. Believe me he tells me everything else, so I am pretty sure he's tell me this too! I do talk to Jody, but this is not something that has ever come up.

Thanks for saying I'm handling things brilliantly. I could have done a lot better today, and did a lot of "more of the same with more sincerity" stuff, but I am glad I apologized at the end, and I am glad that I said we should just enjoy Monday and not have R talk. I hope he will feel more comfortable with me that way. I am looking forward to it, even though he may be terrified! Remember last week I was like prison :).

I am going to catch up with your sitch now. I'm in Poland at the moment, so on European time...I've got the DB saga that spans countries, time zones, and languages!

I hope you are doing well and thanks again for your post!

ITH

[optimistwife]

hi IsThereHope,

Just starting to read through other sitch- and was amazed by the letter your H wrote you. I can only wonder if this is similar to what my H is thinking. We are in very tentative stages of things getting better, then backslide- ouch.

2 weeks ago he mentioned that he would love to work at a great job in the next state over- he asked if I'd be willing to live there... I said of course!

Then a few days ago he reminded me that I need to learn to live without him and get my own life...

From day to day I don't know what he wants- I think he doesn't either. He is testing the waters by visiting and talking more- yet doesn't want me to read into it.

Sounds like your H too- the old 'don't get your hopes up'.

do you ever feel like everyone tells you that someday you'll have to make a decision and you may have to walk away? I have heard that 3 times today already- friend, SIL, and Mom. Not ready to walk away yet!

[Separated]

(((ITH)))

Hi sweetie!! I am so sorry that H pulled a 180 again. My goodness you are going to need to tread lightly with him. My opinion would def be to call Jody asap...she can give the best advise!! He still loves you but seems very confused. He is acting like my H did just before he left he would say one thing then the next day he said something completly contradictory...I was left feeling like I was going crazy!! LoL.

Hang in there....Again (I know..I know...just want to make sure) PMA!!! Take care of yourself, as upset as you might get you need to not let yourself go!!!

[istherehope]

Hi Sep,

Thanks it's ok. I don't really think it was a 180. Even in the conversation he said he was still willing to try. It was just a bad conversation where I think I made him feel cornered. I just hate that he brings these things up on IM when I'm at work.

I will be staying 2 nights with him next week, and that's a positive.

Actually I had 2 more positives last night too. I felt the need to email H to tell him what had happened to Jen's H; obviously not saying where I knew her from. He IMd later to say how devastating that must be.

I sleep with earplugs because the church bells are so loud here. So, I missed 2 texts from my H last night (he never texts me these days). The first asked if I was awake. The second said nothing urgent, just saying good night.

Very nice. He was probably a bit tipsy after dinner and wine. I'll text back this morning and just say good morning.

So, I am trying a lot harder to focus on the actions and my end goal. I don't think anything has changed for the worse, and I'm still hanging in there :).

ITH

[istherehope]

Hi OW (sorry to use this abbreviation--I know it has bad connotations here ;),

Thanks for your post! I love hearing from new people and will check out your sitch later today.

So the thing about my H is that he is SUPER OBSESSIVE about everything he takes on. At the moment this is self-help and self-discovery. It is pretty annoying actually since it means he cannot see anything else, but what it DOES mean is that he is acutely aware of each motivation and feeling that he has. He is also quite good at sharing these feelings, though not at expressing them in a way that takes into account my feelings :). So, if you ever want a window into the soul of a confused WAH having an existential crisis, check out my sitch. Not sure about your own sitch, but there is no other woman in mine, and I really don't expect this to change. I think he thinks this could be a dealbreaker for me (even though it might not be), and he doesn't want to throw this away, or at least he doesn't KNOW if he wants to throw this away :).

We haven't had any real future talk recently in our sitch, beyond finances. Of course we haven't been around each other in ages, given the fact that I'm in Poland and he's in Dublin. I hope things will change when I get back.

Are you keeping a solutions journal? This has helped me to (somewhat) keep my sanity. I've recently learned that by taking only the positives out of each interaction, I can see loads of baby-steps. For example, I have 3 large goals for the month of October. They are broken down into mini-goals that will help me see whether I am on the right path. One big goal is that H will feel comfortable around me. Mini goals include the amount of contact, i.e. at least 5 days per week or 2X + per day for 3-4 days, some contact by phone/SMS, and using terms of endearment. I have had all of these met, even though I have also heard H say some very scary things. I am ignoring those. I think it's OK to believe the positives, at the very least they help with my PMA!

So I have not told too many people about my sitch beyond coworkers. That's the beauty of being in a foreign country. I can hide it. I think for things to work out long-term, it will be better the fewer people who know. Yes though, coworkers give me advice I don't need/want, but I made one cry when I explained why I stood for my marriage, so now I have my speech at hand if I need it again. I know I am doing the right thing, and this is all that matters.

ITH

[istherehope]

Hmm,

Just journaling again. I feel like H has been trying to bait me on IM this morning. He started off by asking me whether I only use Skype to talk to him. Yes I do--he invited me to it like 2 years ago, and I use it to talk to him only. I just tried to blow that off and talk about how I could never get it to work for calls, and joked around.

Then he started in with the fact that he would be home when I got there on Monday. I figured this. I really hope he does not want to have a big R talk then. I said yesterday that we didn't need to. I just said cool, and tried to change the subject, said "what are you doing now?". "Working". Me, "figured as much, cool."

My guess is he is hung over from last night, who knows...he sure blows hot and cold. Who cares why I use Skype? I am biting my tongue not to ask him if something is wrong. I know that would be bad. I have a weird feeling this morning though, so hopefully it will blow over if I leave it for awhile.

ITH

[istherehope]

OK and it's me again...

Now we're communicating by SMS. This is a new one. He texted me about going to the doctor for his back next week, nothing too exciting. I wrote him back and got a response within a minute. He is an odd duck.

I feel as though he is being a bit more intimate with me now, but trying not to read too much into this yet. I have gotten 4 SMS messages from him in the last 24 hours, whereas in the previous 2 months I'd gotten none, other than the one saying that he landed in South Africa. Just going to stay calm and breathe. Like I said before, these kinds of changes tend to come from confrontations in our sitch, and we did have that confrontation yesterday.

If only it were THAT predictable, I'd show up, initiate a huge blow out fight, and we'd be having a vow renewal ceremony straight away! OK I really do need to get to work now :).

ITH

[istherehope]

OK,

Journal for today. I am not sure why, but I was really anxious last night and kept waking in a panic. I am still feeling anxious. I have been trying to focus only on positives, but now find myself getting stuck in my head on possible arguments with H, or remembering the really mean things he's said recently, and then remembering the way he used to be. I keep wishing I could knock some sense into him, and it's upsetting me.

I need to try to find a way to calm down as I'm seeing him on Monday, and in order to have this be a positive thing, I need to believe that he wants me to be there, and that we will have a positive day. If I keep focusing on the negatives, I understand that's what I'll get. I have to believe that he wouldn't have asked me to stay for 2 nights if he didn't want to see what it was like to be around me.

So I'm not going to be able to talk to Jody before Monday, but what I thought I could try to do was schedule some time with her on Monday night. H will be in class, and I will have already had my first encounter with him in the afternoon. That way I can get tips and suggestions before he comes home again, and before Thursday's meeting.

Any thoughts for what I should do on Monday? I want him to feel like I am someone easy to be around, AND I want to avoid R talk at all costs unless everything is so clearly amazing that it's clearly going to be positive.

Here are my ideas for things to do/topics to discuss and the reasons why. I'd love advice/feedback:

*Walk the dogs by myself while he is home(they are OUR pets and our kids in a way--shows our bond plus I miss them!)
*Go upstairs by myself, leave him on his computer, and just work quietly (shows I have my own things to do, and that I don't need his constant attention--sort of a 180)
*Make one of his favorite dinners while he is gone, clean the whole kitchen afterwards, and just leave a note that there is extra if he'd like (I was really bad at cleaning, and would often make elaborate meals and sort of make him eat with me--this will be a lot more casual)
*Clean the cats' litter boxes (again really bad at cleaning, plus I want to demonstrate the value of having 2 people in the house)
*Discuss his work--intimate in a way, but completely non-R focused, and I should get the opportunity to praise
*Discuss school--same as above
*Talk about exercise (opportunity to compliment his muscle tone--he LOVES this for some reason)
*Try to remain quiet as much as possible, but not awkward quiet, if this makes sense. I want to be a non-threatening presence.
*NOT initiate ML. I hope he will, but I will not. If nothing happens by nighttime though, I WILL dress in some provocative nightwear :).
*IF is seems he is on the brink of R talk, then this is my queue to go to Starbucks, walk the dogs, or go on a jog
*Smile or at least look calm the whole time
*Dress in an outfit that I know he loves

So H is traveling home from Portugal today. I hope to hear from him this afternoon. The more we talk before Monday, hopefully the calmer we will both feel about the meeting...

ITH

[JCJ]

ITH

I would say try not to over think it.

I need to try to find a way to calm down as I'm seeing him on Monday, and in order to have this be a positive thing, I need to believe that he wants me to be there, and that we will have a positive day. If I keep focusing on the negatives, I understand that's what I'll get. I have to believe that he wouldn't have asked me to stay for 2 nights if he didn't want to see what it was like to be around me.

This is true. I will read the rest later and give you feedback - I'm out at meetings this afternoon - yay for distraction!

[istherehope]

Hi JCJ,

Ugh. I just got a non-H bomb.

One of our directors has "asked" that I go to Paris to do some on-campus interviews on Monday. This means I WILL still see H on Monday, but probably not until midnight or so. I really have no choice but to do these interviews as quite frankly I'm lucky to still have a job right now!

I know for people in the US reading this you do not pity me for being forced to fly to Paris for the day, but it's really not that glamorous. I have to go to this campus out of town, interview 10 candidates, and then get on a flight to Dublin at 930 PM, and H will likely be in bed already...

I'm sure there is a bright side to this. Perhaps the positive is that H will actually be really sad that I don't get in until late and realize how much he misses me. Perhaps it will prevent an R conversation. Perhaps he will stay up drinking before I get home and be silly and say good things when I arrive...Maybe he'll be asleep when I arrive and be all cuddly and sweet when I get there. No expectations, but there must be a reason that this happened...

On another note I found out H isn't flying home until 8 PM tonight. He IMd me this morning to say good morning, used a joking nickname, and asked me how my night was. Other than that said nothing much. I told him about the interviews and that I might arrive late would let him know. He only said "OK". So anyway who knows if this has even registered on his radar.

Now I need to start booking my flights and hotel...GRRR

ITH