I believe in Miracles

[istherehope]

OK,

Journal for today. I am not sure why, but I was really anxious last night and kept waking in a panic. I am still feeling anxious. I have been trying to focus only on positives, but now find myself getting stuck in my head on possible arguments with H, or remembering the really mean things he's said recently, and then remembering the way he used to be. I keep wishing I could knock some sense into him, and it's upsetting me.

I need to try to find a way to calm down as I'm seeing him on Monday, and in order to have this be a positive thing, I need to believe that he wants me to be there, and that we will have a positive day. If I keep focusing on the negatives, I understand that's what I'll get. I have to believe that he wouldn't have asked me to stay for 2 nights if he didn't want to see what it was like to be around me.

So I'm not going to be able to talk to Jody before Monday, but what I thought I could try to do was schedule some time with her on Monday night. H will be in class, and I will have already had my first encounter with him in the afternoon. That way I can get tips and suggestions before he comes home again, and before Thursday's meeting.

Any thoughts for what I should do on Monday? I want him to feel like I am someone easy to be around, AND I want to avoid R talk at all costs unless everything is so clearly amazing that it's clearly going to be positive.

Here are my ideas for things to do/topics to discuss and the reasons why. I'd love advice/feedback:

*Walk the dogs by myself while he is home(they are OUR pets and our kids in a way--shows our bond plus I miss them!)
*Go upstairs by myself, leave him on his computer, and just work quietly (shows I have my own things to do, and that I don't need his constant attention--sort of a 180)
*Make one of his favorite dinners while he is gone, clean the whole kitchen afterwards, and just leave a note that there is extra if he'd like (I was really bad at cleaning, and would often make elaborate meals and sort of make him eat with me--this will be a lot more casual)
*Clean the cats' litter boxes (again really bad at cleaning, plus I want to demonstrate the value of having 2 people in the house)
*Discuss his work--intimate in a way, but completely non-R focused, and I should get the opportunity to praise
*Discuss school--same as above
*Talk about exercise (opportunity to compliment his muscle tone--he LOVES this for some reason)
*Try to remain quiet as much as possible, but not awkward quiet, if this makes sense. I want to be a non-threatening presence.
*NOT initiate ML. I hope he will, but I will not. If nothing happens by nighttime though, I WILL dress in some provocative nightwear :).
*IF is seems he is on the brink of R talk, then this is my queue to go to Starbucks, walk the dogs, or go on a jog
*Smile or at least look calm the whole time
*Dress in an outfit that I know he loves

So H is traveling home from Portugal today. I hope to hear from him this afternoon. The more we talk before Monday, hopefully the calmer we will both feel about the meeting...

ITH