I was unfaithful

[Esky94]

I think that deciding what makes you happy in a marriage and recieving that happiness is what makes a good marriage.

Yeah...the step 2 in the DR book. I'm still learning more about what I want in a good marriage. Writing it down is the hardest part.

By having a PA I took from my H the two most important thing he needed in the marriage and that was loyalty and being able to hold his head up high.

Oh...yeah. I did that too.

What he is left with is a feeling of being ripped off in life.

Well, that's almost exactly what my W said. She thought she had wasted 13 years of her life being with me. She's also so angry at herself that she didn't spot this earlier. She's lost confidence in her ability to choose a winner and she doesn't want to date.

Why do you need to get the past out of your mind ?

It's a paradox. I read in "the power of now" that forgiveness is the decision to not live in the past anymore. I know I did the lion's share of emotional damage. But there are still things she did that hurt me. If I dwell on them, I know I increase the possibility of me lashing out, or do something out of needy fear, or doing something stupid which would give her more reason to pull back and file for a D. A friend of mine once gave me some cryptic advice, "Just keep forgiving her". I understand that now. She's hurt and she lashes out. I just gotta wear it, and let it go. If I respond in kind, things just get worse. But it's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard.

You know what you did wrong ? You must be sorry ? You have taken steps to correct.

So maybe it's not a matter of me forgetting what I did to her. I know what I did and it's not pretty. I have taken many, many steps to correct myself. Counselling. Group work. Reading. Spiritual awareness. Weekends to find the sacred masculine within me. I'm exhausted. Doing what's required to make amends? Other than just being a good dad, there's not much more I can do. She doesn't want to be with me.