You will not believe what happened tonight. I don't want to read too much into this. Sorry for long post
My H watched our girls while I played tennis tonight. I've been playing it nice, the last several days. Well he was asking more questions than usual trying to get me involved in conversation and I was short with answers but nice.
Here is where it gets good. I get home around 9pm and I figured he'd be up and ready to head out the door as he has been in the past. He was just sitting on the couch watching TV and hanging out .. no rush to leave. Asking me questions again. We talked about tomorrow, Friday, he wanted to pick up our girl from school.
Somehow we were standing about two feet from each other looking eye to eye
He: what is that smile? Do you want to cut my head off?
Me: I want to cut your head off and I want a hug and kiss ( I know the kiss was too much)
He: well let's meet in the middle and hug.. you don't cut my head off and not sure a kiss is appropriate, then he said.. do you think a kiss is appropriate?
Me : No a kiss is not appropriate, we'll just hug
We hugged for it seemed forever.. tight and embracing he was rubbing my back and he was crying a little I could tell and I was a little ( I didn't lose it so I was proud of myself) .. I was the one to finally pull away and he kissed my cheek
He: You must have said something to our D3 because she asked me when I would be living in the house again and coming home
Me: I didn't say anything too her. I said you don't know how hard it has been for us.
Then my H started crying and tears are rolling down his cheeks (first time I have seen any remorse or emotion since he dropped the bomb) I couldn't believe my eyes. He said he was sorry and he knows he has been awful. He actually couldn't even talk really. H said he has cried a lot lately, I said I have too, and that he'll take what he has done with him till he dies. something to that effect. I thanked him for showing me his remorse and that he knew that was what was killing me – the lack of emotion for what he has done.
H just kept looking at me as I knew he had more to say but couldn't. I asked him seems like there is more you want to say. H said I think it is enough for one night. I asked him does he want to know the door is open?. He didn't say anything I said I want my H back and some days I don't know. I said Love, true love is forgiving and unconditional- I told him I have handled the worse situation of my life with dignity … he was still crying and was agreeing by nodding..
I told him I won't ask anymore questions or push it and thanked him again for giving me what he just did.
We walked outside, he said he wants to pick up our D tomorrow and come over and hang out with her. He thanked me for yesterday, I said yesterday??, he said yes it was nice day and pleasant conversation and us being friendly. He said he wants to be here for the girls and around more for them he gave another quick hug and kiss on cheek, said that this was a lot for one night
So he gave me no empty promises for our future and I am glad to see the man I married standing in front of me tonight with emotion and a heart that is hurting for the pain he has caused. It doesn't take back that he is still with OW and of course this could be good or bad.. I'm trying not to read too much into this as it could just be him needing to rid his guilt so he can be at peace with this
Before I can just pretend, I will need more from him at some point, but I think in time I will get it and hopefully it will be him wanting to come back I know he probably is still confused - maybe just sad for the pain but still wants to leave and get a D, he of course didn't lean either way
I will ride this out and at some point I will need to decide when I think it is enough I don't want him to get his fix on family and still go back in forth to her
One step in the right direction - baby steps- Thoughts?
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
