Peicing but Angry and Confused.......HELP !

[native]

MsM, others,

I've been given the word that I'm 'smothering' my W. She was pretty unpleasant to me Sat. when we took D and friend to Nat. Sci. museum.

W told me we are NOT getting back together. I asked if I should remove my ring now. She indicated she didn't care.

I am taking this with a grain of salt since she told me she is having her depression medication adjusted and later her M told me that she had gotten several doors shut in her face that week. She is also not exercising as well, so she is in a downhill phase it looks like.

I am however not going to text her and definatly not send her any R stuff like I did once last week.

I am going to start going to Wed. night supper/classes at the new church we both were attending and see if I can get some counseling time with the pastor. He's about my age and has very pertinant and instructive sermons.

I am also going to work on our house which has many small projects outstanding that need work.

Other than that, outside of work I will be looking for ways to occupy myself.

Had a small flirtatious encounter at Lowes in the garden dept with an attractive woman. It's nice to know after 7 yrs marriage (I'm also 47, but look younger) I still spark some interest.

[native]

Actually, I have moments when I think 'Damn, I'm good looking', not to be conceited.

But that aside, a little news.

Was checking my account and saw W's account was on 0.00. I transferred $50 to keep her from going into overdraft.

I mentioned it later (when calling about D) and she mumbled 'Thanks....' Sounded a little awkward.

I felt like I won a point or two, but who knows ?

When I dropped D off tonight, W was not initiating verbal or eye contact. But neither was I ( going dim here.)

After kissing D goodnight, I turned to go. W was following D in the door and I said: ' Good night, ___' She responded with the same, but sounded like she might have been surprised that I cared enough to say good night to her.

I think that is because if she were me, she would be holding a grudge for the way she has been treating me. She would not make the first move towards reconcilliatory activity.

It has been that way our whole marriage. I have to make the first move to break the ice of hurt feelings. She would wait passivly forever otherwise.

Is it possible that she feels like she is the victim, even though she treated me in such an ugly manner the previous day ?

I would not be surprised.

[native]

W hardly acknowledges me whe she sees me now. Never calls just to talk. Rarely calls at all. Never returns e-mails.

All my communications to her are just about business.

She is totally shut down towards me.

Even thought I have gone over what I know and understand about us again and again, I just don't understand......

If she was in as much pain as she says she was, how come I didn't know what I could do to make it better ?

I really think she belives I can or should have read her mind and responded properly to meet her needs.

She bears responsiblity here too. If I withdrew from her for rejecting me over and over again, she withdrew from me and D6 and everything needed to run the household years ago.

And until recently, I thought it was because of her many health issues, not that she thought I was the problem.

[MsMelancoly]

Hi native, Well, your list of thing to do & GAL looks good. If your W thinks she's being smothered, then just give her some space. (Really - you should probably moved to seperated - & not in Piecing - my opinion). I, myself don't look much at Piecing - cuz I'm not at that point. There is guilt & blame on both sides in any M. Maybe your W feels guilty and or has low self esteem, both she has to work on her own. Just be patient.

[native]

Thanks MSM, W's attitude towards R only changed last Sun.

I will move to Seperated shortly.

Regarding guilt, if her Mom's attitude towards guilt is any indication, guilt is something to be avoided like a plague. She's truly the Queen of Denial.

Though I avoid comparisons of W with her Mom, I can't help but see the paralells.

[native]

Strange happenings lately.

After a week of 'going dark', a few odd developments.

The other night (maybe Thurs ?), W called from work and wanted to come by to say goodnight to D6 and see her cat.

She rarely calls to say goodnight to D when D is staying w/me, much less has she ever come over here at night to say goodnight to D.

She didn't interact w/me much. I've been sick with a cold and I felt rather tired and subdued myself. She did look at me and asked me how I felt. After goodnights to D, she left the room. I said goodnight to her and she replied with the same.

Well, fast forward to Fri. night. I had spent the night at my parents watching over my grandmother (95 yo.!) while they were out of town. I was still sick and had a so so evening, feeling very lonely for my family, wanting to call W and tell her how much I miss her. But I've been going dark, so none of that.
I spent my time watching tv or on this website.

This morning it was perfect weather and I went for a walk and came back to clean up, etc. Decided I was not feeling great yet, so I did not call W to see about taking D out, as we had previously discussed. The plan as I understood it was to p/u D at 5:00, but was supposed to call to verify whether she would eat dinner or not w/wife.

Phone was not working b/c I have a new one and have been trying to activate it. Wasn't able to so I could not call W. I went a little early to p/u D.

Turns out W had been trying to reach me all day so she could 'make plans' and was very upset.

Said she had left a very upbeat message (which I listened to later, it was really nice: unusual for her lately as she has been a real b****h.

W seemed absolutely miserable. She confided to me that after 7 years (our whole marriage) her sexuality had come roaring back and she is desperate for sex, but not attracted to me.
At the same time, she did not want to 'sleep around'. She said she felt like it was a cruel joke that God had played on her.

I indicated my regrets for our difficulty w/sex and my lack of knowledge and skill at the time. I said I had learned a lot about what I could have done differently.

She countered that I hadn't, and I said she would never know, which she agreed.

She said I still did not know the things to do to meet her needs. Odd thing to say, don't you think ? Why would she care if I did or didn't ? I said I have been giving her space, because she seemed to want that.

During this whole time I did not get angry or feel personally rejected. I hurt for her and told her I wished I could go back and do things differently.

Though this painful conversation had no satisfying end, I found it peculiar that she should confide this struggle to me.

And I feel somewhat at peace in a strange way.

After all, she had called and made a point of being cheerful and lighthearted. She had gotten very upset at not being able to reach me all day.

She had confided very intimate struggles to me. I doubt she has shared this with anyone else.

Somehow I feel something is happening.

Anybody have any thoughts about this ?

Am I compeletly missing the whole point ? I think I should continue to go dark.

Actually disinvited myself to a dinner Sun. night w/her extended family to continue to give space to a very agitated W.


Wonder if she will wish I were there.....her feelings seem to be really churning.....

[native]

So, I don't know what to make of my wifes sexual reawakening and her confession of it to me.

After 2 mos. seperation she says her sexual desire has returned but she is not attracted to me.

From much earlier conversations I know that before we were dating, and we were just friends, she made it known to me that she was attracted to me.

I told her at the time (9 yrs ago) that I wasn't interested in her in that way. Her response was to 'turn off' that attraction to me. This is what she told me.

She said that later, after I had proposed to her that she had hoped the attraction would return, but it never did.

During our M, she never initiated sex and rarely affection. She wanted me to figure out how to turn her on.

In retrospect, she needed to be wooed in specific ways that I was ignorant of for the longest time, and she was very vague about what she needed.

Eventually when she was getting ready to announce she wanted a seperation she cited that she could not live without intimacy and romance.

I confess, those were really general words to me and they meant different things to me than her apparantly.

What I did understand that she needed, I withheld in reaction to her constantly withholding sex from me. I was really tired of trying and getting nowhere.

She does not want to 'sleep around', or so she says, so she has a dilemma. She says it is a cruel joke God is playing on her.

I don't know why she even told me all this. She won't allow me to do anything at the moment, we are not even dating.

But I sense she wants me to be able to do something about it. It seems like what she is saying, through her accusations that she wishes I could turn her on. I feel like she is giving me mixed messages. ( earlier in the day she left message and was very lighthearted, asking how I was feeling as I had been sick: this is completely out of character from her recent attitudes towards me)

But I have been going dark, not pursuing, not calling, texting, etc unless necessary.

I also disinvited myself to a family dinner with her brother and his W, her Mom,etc tonight because I don't feel comfortable being there, based upon her words, which hurt me deeply.

Any advice ?