Rob, I am going to play Devil's Advocate here and say , i really hope that once the evaluator thought there was domestic abuse, your L didn't sell you out. So sorry to say but that is what it sounds like. I just don't see how your L fought for you with the parent evaluator or the court. The possibility of you paying her legal fees is very real, now that they have basically said you are at fault. How could your L allow this to have happened. It is all just so sad, your D is a casualty of this. Just take heart, they can't get blood from a stone and they can't take what you don't have. All your W did was cheat her own D. One day she will face this and while you may be financially raped, she will have given up her soul. Trust me, she will tire of being a single MOM and you will end up with your D. All she will will really win is a few bucks, and a momentary victory
I am so sorry your W managed to fool the parent evaluator. And taking the high road and being honest about everything seems to hurt instead of giving you "points". I dont know what I would do in your shoes. I guess I would ask myself if I feel Grace is safe with her. If the answer is yes I would go along with this until something happens (hopefully not serious) because I agree with bizzare and nut (I think) she will make mistakes that will enable you to get more time with your angel. I cant believe how this turned out for you. Learn your lesson and continue to be a great dad. What lesson? Never underestimate "mean" people.
I am so very sorry. So very sorry. Your time with Grace will be enough to make a difference for her. You will always have a close eye on her and your xW making sure she is ok and safe. You are not helpless. You need to be smart from now on.
Have you thought of getting advice from another lawyer?
Sorry I wasn't around. You are in my thoughts. Love, M
Rob, How are thing going? have you been able to make peace with the situation? I was thinking of you today. I have a student who lives with the father and only sees the mother every other weekend. Yet it is the mother who is always in contact with the school and oversees the kids welfare. The kid really only mentions his mom and sounds very affectionate towards her. So it seems it is not always the custodial parent who has the most influence. I know you will make the best of this situation. Hope things are looking up for you, you deserve it
It's going to take something really HUGE to change whatever the divorce decree says. Going back to court is definitely not in your best interest. 2 weeks in the summer? That's super weak. Can't your lawyer ask for more? That's just too small. I would push for more time. The most they can do is say no.
As for joint legal custody...that doesn't count for squat. It means you can keep your wife from having your daughter donate a kidney, but that's about it. It gives you some rights to get stuff from school or take her to the doctor, but no real power. She is free to screw you around with visitation and such as much as she wants.
I'm sorry man. I hate even reading this. Can't you use any of your wife's apparent slutty behaviors against her? Having the building supervisor sleeping over when your daughter is there seems like it should be a strike against her.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I didn't update this weekend as I had my D and I was actually trying to get work done during my preps this week. However, we have an inservice tomorrow so it feels like a Friday and thus, I don't want to correct any papers...so I'll check in w/ my friends here.
So, first of all, thank you for your kind words and support.
Ali, you are sweet as always. I know you can feel my pain. Maybe my stars are misaligned or something...but they just can't stay that way forever, right?
Kerry, you are solidly in my corner as usual. Thanks.
Nut, anothe one who has my back. I always appreciate your support, straight-forward thoughts and the occasional "man hug." You are right as it is only a short-term victory for her and I do feel as if I'll see my D more and more as time goes on.
bizarre, I did question my L, but I'm pretty convinced he did a good job for me. The situation w/ my dogs may have also worked against me, even though it wasn't stated as such in the evaluation. I think he's ok and really my W just fooled another person as she's done w/ her own therapist (more on that later), her friends and family and, most importantly, herself. I do think she's sold her soul and things will ultimately come back on her. I agree this is a momentary victory for her and nothing more. I will prevail in time.
Kalni, you are so sweet to apologize for not "being here." You were off and living your life, but it is still very nice to know you wished you could have been there to support me in "real time." I am flattered. I agree w/ W's ability to fool people. I think she's got a ton of issues that are repressed and she's in deep denial. She's possibly an alcoholic as well and we all unfortunately know that alcoholics can fool everyone, including themselves for a long, long time. Eventually, something gives and they break, but it is also possible she won't ever crack or feel any remorse. But, that is no longer my problem. I am just to be a great dad as you suggested and watch out for the well-being of my D. That is a wonderful job for me to have and I'm taking it on gladly.
bizarre - I am at peace w/ where I'm at. I cried deeply on the night I received the evaluation, but I'm ok w/ things now. I realize the focus is completely on quality and not quantity. I may very well end up being more positively influential to my D w/ less time spent w/ her. That is my hope that I will have a significant impact on her even from afar. Just b/c she'll be w/ my STBX more than me doesn't mean I can't be the main influence for her.
Phoenixdeux - I too am upset by it, but it is reality now. You are right as it will be almost impossible to overturn this now, so my concentration is on what I can do w/ the time I have. I will look to ask for more dedicated time in the summer as they can only say no. Again, I'm hoping to get more time w/ D than less, especially when we're all off of school.
You asked if W's "slutty behaviors" could be used against her and to my suprise, I was told they would be "largely irrelevant" in the big scheme of things. The parenting evaluator told me during our 1st meeting that "affairs are pretty common in today's society" so the fact that STBX left me for another man won't hold any weight. Secondly, the parenting evaluator didn't even address the "sleep over" of the new BF w/ D in the apartment in his evaluation. No mention at all!
If we go to trial - which at this point I'm hoping to avoid to save a ton of money - we can bring it all up then, but I'm not sure how much it will help. I think it should carry more weight too, but I guess the courts don't care about morals as they only want "facts." The problem is they won't take the time to investigate "facts" so they'll just take what they hear as the gospel truth and decide from there. It is much easier, I guess. After all, what do they care about me and what is/isn't right? I'm just a number to them, as is my D.
So, I've tried to negotiate a few things w/ STBX this week as the trial is set for Monday. She doesn't seem to like to respond quickly if it isn't her plan on the table. I should be stunned, right?
Her latest "shocker" is to say "maybe we should look to rent the house out for two or three years until the market rebounds." WTF? I asked for this about six months ago before I wracked up so much debt trying to keep the house afloat on my own. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea now and I even said "I need the house to sell. I am broke and my Roth IRA is gone."
I hope this won't end up coming back to bite me by STBX looking to play hardball to get me to concede to save costs. In hindsight I should have kept that one under wraps as she may now try to stick it to me to get me to fold to save money. I don't know if she will or not, but I do know I'm not going to spend $5K in legal fees to extract an extra $2K from STBX. She might try to do that, but I won't.
So, that is basically it. I'm just sitting and waiting for more e-mails from STBX or more phone calls from my L (at $375/hour). Either way, I want some information and I want this behind me as soon as possible. I need to completely move on from all of this.
RTL
We're working on clearing up the final hurdles left now that the biggest shoe has dropped. As long as she doesn't try to grab everything.
I always try to use my L's paralegal for most clerical type questions, and if she cant answer, she will have my L answer it. She only charges $125 whereas my L is $300 and hour. They both have provided me a great service.
Rob, Your trial is going to start Monday? Hope you can prevent this as it will be so expensive. Reading your sitch has made me hold off going to a lawyer and filing, I know that most of what we have will go to legal fees. It is not easy , but neither is the legal process of divorce. I just hope you can put this behind you without much more bleeding of money. It is amazing how divorce lawyers can take your money for things that you will never get. It is their job, I know. Your W will only have "ashes in her hand" while you will retain your self respect. You did all you could to fix a troubled relationship for the sake of the child you brought into the world together. Amazing, leaving dogs in car and they came to no harm worked against you, but a young woman sleeping with a random man in front of a 5 year old is fine. You will put this behind you, put it behind you for at least money as you can. Oh , can anyone tell me how to start a thread? I plead ignorance
I guess I should have looked at that option a lot sooner, but now that we're at the end of things, it is really too late for that. I just got a bill from my L (with more charges to come) and I don't have the money. None of it. I don't know how I'm going to pay it, so I'm going to have to talk w/ him about deferring my payments to him. I've paid the day I've been billed up to now, but my final bill will be around $10K and I only have $1500 on a credit card to give him and my credit rating is shot b/c of this so I can't get a loan or an extension on the line.
My L has said he'd work w/ me "but doesn't want to be my bank." I can only hope he'll be able to let me have some time to pay him - and I hope it will be more than 30 days.
That bill and my current financial situation are very, very depressing right now.
Yes we are supposed to go to trial on Monday, but W and I talked today and we both said "I don't think we need to go to trial."
W called me and was seriously concerned about my health b/c she had been getting all the statements for the work I had done. She asked multiple times and even said later "I just needed to know you were ok."
She then told me how hectic things had been for her at work and then the subject shifted to Christmas. She said she'd envisioned D spending Christmas Eve w/ her and then D coming to my house on Christmas Day. I said I thought we'd each have D for a week and alternate which week each year. W then said "Wouldn't you be alone and sad? What would you do, Rob? I can't think of you being alone and sad at Christmas." I told her it wasn't my ideal to not be w/ D on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, but we're no longer in an ideal situation, so we'll have to adjust for D's sake.
We talked about her going to Indiana to see her father w/ D this year as her father's non-hodkins lymphoma is getting more aggressive seemingly by the minute. I told her I'd be fine w/ it b/c of the situation, so she just needed to decide if she would rather be there for Christmas or for her father's birthday on Jan. 3.
I brought up getting more time w/ D in the summer - at least 3 if not 4 weeks w/ her - and W said she's open to that. This seemed to shift the conversation to being flexible starting w/ W and I agreeing that we shouldn't have to go to court on Monday. W said her L told her not to be flexible w/ me and everyone has told her not to talk w/ me but to let the L's figure it out. W claims her L told her I could take her back to court if she's too flexible over and over again "just to harass her." I responded by sarcastically telling W, "Yeah, that would be a really smart financial thing for me to do."
W then said "we need to decide if we are going to trust each other or continue to rip each other apart." I asked her to give me an example of why she felt I didn't trust her and she came back w/ "you changed the alarm code when you knew I wouldn't screw you over." I answered that and she responded w/ "...I could name more, but that is one." It didn't seem as if she had any more, but I did take the opportunity to reply to her.
I told her I wasn't sure if she did trust me. I told her that it has been clear that she doesn't think I have D's best interests at heart, but I'll continue to prove w/ my actions that I do. I also said that there should be no doubt that I've never doubted her committment to our D.
She then said "I just want you to be happy" and I said if you read the parenting evaluator's report then you'll know I wished for you and D to be healthy and happy. I followed that up by telling her that in that report as well as the deposition, I've never once doubted her as a mother. Not once. But, I said, I don't feel you feel the same way toward me. That is where our "trust" issue has trouble.
W then got quiet and said "I've got to go" and we ended the call. I wasn't sure, but it did sound as if she was on the verge of tears. Guilt? I don't know. I can only hope so. I didn't get to tell W that I don't trust her b/c she's made up crap about me that we both know isn't true, but that may come in another conversation. However, she may have picked up that vibe when I was firm in never badmouthing her.
Thus, her call for civility was basically for herself as I've been civil. Maybe my answers and comments hit home for her. Probably not, but there is always an outside chance, right?
So, that is my world today. I'll be filling you in w/ more as I get it.
