Jayce's thread

[Jayce]

Bagh, Diane, DQ, et. al.
Thanks for the good thoughts about my grandson. Botton line, he has a different seizure med now. Less likely to make him so sleepy and lethargic.

Back to the old subject. Couple weeks ago H told me to stop talking about "it" for awhile. He didn't answer the ques. Sex or your feelings about sex? This past weekend he suggested having a fire one evening. I may have mentioned he never wants to do this. So we did. I pulled our chairs close together & we held hands. He'd said we could sit & talk. Uh huh, right. I was hoping since we'd not talked about problem & had been pleasant for the 2 wks that he was ready to talk about his feelings. Seemed like he set the stage, right? Nope. We chatted. he asked ques about the horse, trail ride. After I answered he came up w/another subject to question. So I talked to him. Each time I said "your turn" and encouraged him to talk. No dice. He just didn't have much to say. He added a little wood so the fire flared up & I figured it'd last another hour or so. I had on long pants & a hoodie. He was in shorts & t-shirt. He was cold. I offered to get his hoodie. Move closer to the fire. No. Pretty soon he was off into the house. I thought we'd been out only half an hour. He said an hour. I sat there a few min. longer, confused? Not really. Why would I have expected him to sit there longer, talk to me about ANYTHING to extend our time that could have been romantic. I went in the house where he already had the TV on & we spent the rest of the evening watching a couple of his favorite shows I'd taped for him. He sat on couch w/me. Arm around most of the time. Silent except for comments on the shows. Bedtime came. I showered, still no clue what's going on w/him, no signal, no comment. So I got into bed & turned the light off, pulled up the covers. THEN he says, don't you want to fool around? I was close to crying by that time. How the hell am I supposed to know ........ Told him once, maybe need to do so again, that it takes awhile for me to get turned on if I have no clue he's interested or have already been turned down. He said he didnt' think he needed "a pill" so we had our usual half hour of me trying to get hot, finish quickly, worrying the whole time the ED would cause a problem before he'd finish. Not going there again. Will explain about pre planning & give him the pill myself so I can relax enough to make it a better experience for both of us.

I've figured out a couple things. One is I think he's shy in some ways, more so years ago, but still there. He describes himself as fat which means he won't do one of my favorite things cuz he thinks he's too heavy. He's not, & has been heavier in the past, but that's the problem now. So evidently there is now a body image problem that wasn't there before, even when he was heavier?? He also mentioned out of the blue (while watching TV of course) that he has no friends. Correct. Hasn't had even a group of "acquaintance" buddies since he quit racquetball. He talks long distance every few weeks to his bro & 2 male cousins. Gets along w/my sons OK, but does not initiate contact or "hang out" with them even tho one has a hobby H is interested in.
He usually says "no, they're busy" if I suggest he call snyone.

When he asked me to not talk, I didn't as I said before. I had things to do 2 mornings & wasn't home before he left for work. Was in bed before he got home one night. This makes him uncomfortable & worries him. Can't win. If I'm busy in some other part of the house for awhile, he'll come looking for me and ask if I'm mad. Evidently cuz I haven't talked to him in that hour or two that I've been working on something. He is a walking contradiction. I'm used to it, but I also see the discomfort with not seeing me for a day or two as fear of loss? I think he got married so as not to be lonely and to have someone to sleep in the same bed. Not sure he wanted much more besides cooking, cleaning & laundry. If I'm going out or shopping he'll always ask if I have enough money.

I've been reading the New Male Sexuality book I got at the libe. I'm definitely buying it and he's definitely reading this one, not negotiable. The man is CLUELESS just like many in the book. I can't believe ALL men are like this. In any case, he needs to see this and how differently women see it. He is sensitive to being thought of as stupid or whatever. THis will help him see its a problem all guys have & he's not stupid, just typical. I hope it helps him to work on better communication.

In the scheme of me having to do the heavy lifting in resolving our issues, just because he's typical doesn't mean I have to like it. I mentioned some time back about his smoking & sneaking even tho he's said he quit many times over the years. It causes ED, it makes ED worse, by wrecking the small arteries, not just in the penis, but throughout the body. Weakens the lungs through the crap it deposits in them. Supposedly he quit the cigars in July......... I was really happy about this, relaxed a little about his cardiac health. Figured he really cared, etc, etc, etc. Stupid me. Believed and trusted him, Mr. Sneak. Found large butt in trash this evening. The smell gave it away when I dumped some stuff in the can. Did not go ballistic. When he called, I asked as if afterthought if any of the new nabors smoked cigars. Said I'd been smelling it around the deck & garage. He couldn't imagine where it was coming from, hasn't seen them smoke, etc etc. Since I didn't put it in the garbage can, who else? Its in the garage & only 2 of us live here. I feel like a damn fool believing that at last he had a good enough reason to quit and he cared enough about having a sex life (and a life at all) that this time he really quit. Cheated, gypped? You bet. So when I bring up masturbation & he says he doesn't..... He's probably laughing his ass off at me every time he does it. I feel like I can't believe anything he says including the excuses about being fat or old or whatever the latest one is. And loving me and being sorry he upsets me and pretty much everything else. If he lies about one thing that's important to me (to shut me up & get me off his back and/or to prove me wrong in his mind) he'll lie about anything and everything else.

Its too late now to be in bed before he gets home, but I'll be out long before he wakes up, I have to work & that means up at 4:30. I'm not saying anything about the cigar tonite. I'm sure he knows there's a chance I found it or I wouldn't have said anything. I hope he's afraid I'll blow up. Probably, but he's not going to know when. Probably next time he tells me something like he loves me, or I am desirable, or .... I might ask if that's a lie, too.

Nighty nite
Tal;