Dan, we are very much in the same situation. My W does not live in the house, but she does watch the kids there since she rents a room in a shared house.
I don't know how I feel these days. I know that I love her. And that I would want to try with her if she were willing. But she's not and I have reached another step towards detachment and look forward to the peace that filing will bring.
I do go and socialize. It's great. I'm just not into anyone else. It's actually a cool place to be. And yes after the D is files I'll re-evaluate where I stand.
Someone said to me on Tuesday, "Act as if your children will read about your actions in tomorrow's paper, and you want them to be proud of you."
Gave me a lot to think about.
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
Sorry HTTE, I obviously got you confused with one of the many very similar situations floating around here.
You actually sound in a very healthy place to me. However, just because you are in a good place doesn't mean that it's that completely calm state of peace. Yeah, them not wanting to work on things is the heartbreaker. A lot of the time, I feel like a piece of linoleum that she's thrown away. First, I was taken for granted, then walked all over and then thrown away.
I really like that statement. I like it a lot.
I've been slacking on things. My son's birthday is next Tuesday which means that we should celebrate this Saturday and I haven't planned anything including to make a cake. I'll have to scramble, but, it will still be a most awesome birthday for him.
I managed to stress myself out today thinking about wether I should expose everything to my W's mom and her dad. They are D and each remaried. Her mom was a WAW.
If I had the contact info I would call up OM's mom. But for what?
That might put pressure on the R but she could easily find another. Right now they have reached a enhanced friends with benifits agreement.
So much for my good PMA...I was feeling almost perfect until about an hour ago. I'm going to dinner and to the gym.
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
Yeah, I wonder that too. Both OM run their own businesses. I wonder how that would look if I took it upon myself to expose to the world and everyone their lack of integrity and morals. Would it effect their business? Maybe. The cherish, OM1 is a videographer and I'm sure does a lot of weddings. I imagine that if I started some character assassination it might well have an impact on the bottom line. But, the bottom line is that I'd rather focus on the little red head for whom sobriety seems to have stolen the ability to operate a cell phone than on ruining their lives. He is welcome to her and good riddance.
Work the punching bag if you can get to one. It does wonders for mental health.
Yeah, I am over the exposure thoughts for the time being. maybe another time. Dan, did you say your W is a redhead? Wow, We're in the same club...mine too. Damn.
For other news, I think wierd is my favorite word. I recovered from feeling stressed yesterday, went to dinner with some friends and hit the gym. I got home and W was asleep in my bed, (again) I shook her gently and said," Wake up it's time to go." She grumbled something and I crawled into bed and went to sleep.
I don't sleep as well when she's there but I havn't been taking anything lately and I had no trouble, In fact I didn't mind that she was there. At one point she asked me if I tried to wake her and I said yes. When I woke up I couldn't shake the thought that I wasn't sure I wanted to be with her anymore. I still love her but could I trust her again. Do I want to? Wierd coming from me where 24 hours earlier I said to myself that I still really didn't want a D.
Either way I guess I'm ok with it. The paperwork from the mediator should arrive next week.
Tuesday is W's birthday. I think I'll have the kids make her some cards and I'll send her a generic one, perhaps with a sweat message on it...or not. I have a reputation for finding really funny cards. So I'll see.
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
HTTE, Yes, my wife is a red head. My mother and her mother were both red heads. I went out Thursday and Friday nights last week and I had 3 pretty young red heads digging me. What is up with the red heads? Are they naturally drawn to me? I don't know, I think maybe I need to chase blonds for a while.
Yes, weird is the word of the day for the next forever.
I get some weird moments and some where I'm surprised that I can hold my tongue. It's extra hard since I'm on hold now for a bit.
I want to know what kind of sweat message you are going to send. Perhaps go work out and then wipe the sweat from your brow with the card so that she has a good dose of your manly aroma as a gift.
Just kidding, I'm sure that was a subconscious slip.
LOL! Thanks dan for focusing on my little typo. For the record I did mean "Sweet!" Anyway. These days the sweetest thing I might manage is blank. As the hurt fades to the background I have moments where I'm really pissed off.
Every time I find myself thinking that I want to have hope and save the marriage I come back around to how W has screwed me over and feel like I might not want her. She really sucks in my eyes right now.
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
After this long I would think you'd learn to quit believing everything you hear from her...or worse yet, getting into discussion where you have to hear it. Of course she loves you like a brother right now. That's great. Take what you can get; at least she doesn't hate you. It doesn't matter what she feels or doesn't feel at the moment. It really doesn't, because feelings change.
Now that you've had the talk, I'd shoot for some personal boundaries. As long as you are buddy buddy with her, it gives the message that you approve of her choices, and you don't. You can still be friendly, but it needs to be more like you would be with a female co-worker. Be funny, confident, and a really good catch, but one that she can't have. So, I think your choice to not hug was a reasonable one. As long as you are readily available, I don't think she'll show much interest. Can you walk the line of friendly but detached?
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Phoenix...that's a nice thought. But the more I go over things in my head the more I close the door to her.
Today is her birthday. I got her a simple card and had the girls make her one each. Since it was her evening with them I picked up a cake and set it out for the three of them. I did what felt "right" to me and so the kids would have fun.
I was in group and W called many times to get my ETA. Then I went to the Gym and she called more to get my ETA. Then she texted that it would be common courtesy to let her know.
That was it. I decided right then that I was not going to be accountable to her on my nights out anymore. I felt like I had to check in with my wife but she didn't want to be that anymore.
I came home...and she asked the q's that I knew she would ask and I told her the above. She insisted it was common courtesy so I brought up all the courtesies she has failed to give me...like faithfulness. And I told her that I knew that she took the kids to meet OM in his parents apple orchard and that it wasn't ok. She said..."but that's different." I told her to go.
She didn't...
I sat down calmly and let her try to explain...I then told her that it wasn't ok and that the kids would know someday...that everyone would know. We talked about that and our M and the affair, she mentioned us not getting back together...and tried to further justify the apple outing as different because she's not "Dating" him. I told her it wasn't ok. We said a few more things and we wrapped it up.
She left mad. Too bad for her...
...I on the other hand feel ok. I got some stuff off my chest. We didn't yell or anything but for the first time I let it show calmly that I was angry at her and her choices.
Waiting at her house is the paperwork from the mediator.
I'm glad it came today.
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
And those would be some of the "boundaries" that Phoenix recommended laying out. So you don't have to continue to have these altercations.
You're right -- she DOESN'T have the right to know of your comings and goings anymore, other than as they relate to the kids. You do need to tell her a "I will pick up the kids at 9:30" or whatever, and then make sure you stick to it, but if she asks you for an ETA or something after that, just text back "nothing has changed" and then remind her when you see her that by having an affair she has forfeited the right to know your comings and goings.
Good job on the birthday; you played it about right, and i know those are tough.
