I was 7 when my parents seperated. I spent alot of time hoping they would get back together. I never truely accepted it until the D was finalized and that was the only time I was upset at my mom. I remember her getting it in the mail and being happy it was over. I on the other hand was devistated because I knew we would never be a family again. I think I knew before that but at that moment it hit home. Not that my mom meant anything by it and she more than likely never knew how I felt but it hurt. Now that I am having marital problems and dealing with all this crap I understand and you and A understand better than I what she must have felt.
With your D being 3 it will make it a little bit easier I think because she wont remember her parents being together. But keep in mind anything you do to your STBXW or say about your STBXW or any of your family and friends say about her and your D over hears will hurt badly. I over heard a conversation that someone was talking about my mom and I know it was just to help my dad but the kids don't understand any of that and no matter how happy we look or are feeling any negativity from either side about the other hurts the kids.
So my advice is this.
1) Tell all your friends, family members whomever when your D is around either do not mention your STBX or if they do bring her up make sure nothing bad is said about her. There is plenty of time when she will not be around that you can discuss yours and their true fellings about her.
2) Plan on spending as much time with her as possible when you have her. It does not matter what you are doing. Some of the best memories of my dad is cutting the grass and hedges and painting the house with him. Was it work, yes but it was time with him and when we were done he always would do fun stuff with us. Shoot hoops or play American Football or whatever. I know girls are different but you get my drift. I remember the first beer my dad gave us after cutting the grass, worst tasting stuff I ever drank, I think I was 13 or 14 at the time.
3) Most important is to keep in contact with her when you are not with her. Call her, email her when she is older. Always let her know you love her. Any important dates or events that you cannot see her call. Even if you think it is insignificant its not to her. Also let her know that none of what is happening between you and your STBX is her fault and this is not just a one time deal. Its how I felt and wondered if it was me or something I did so reassure her that its not.
4) Learn to be civil to your STBX. My parents still cannot be in the same room together. That is the only area I see that they did a lousy job with after the D. You will have birthday parties, graduations, weddings and then grandkids where the both of you will be together. Don't make her chose one or the other or make the event stressful because the both of you are still holding grudges for over 20 years. I gave up and was like let them fight it out but it does suck when one is at this end of the house and the other is over there and your trying to have a nice birthday for you D. (really happened at my D 1st birthday she didn't notice but the rest of us did) Your two are stuck together for the rest of your lives so after all the pain and heartache goes away, shelve it and move on for her sake if nothing else.
5) Do not introduce anybody into their lives too soon. Remember they are still hoping that you will get back together so give them time to deal and get over all the hurt and pain. Plus think of the example you are setting if you keep bringing new people into her life over and over again.
Thats my words of advice from a child of D that watch it all the good, the bad and the ugly. I survived as you, A and MFT kids will but it is just as bad for them as it is for you and they are alot younger and do not understand all the ways of us grown-ups.
