Soooo..at the risk of sounding totally delusional I want to explain something. I had been BEGGING H to see a counselor with me while he was still in the house and he said he would NEVER go because it wouldn't do any good.
I want to share with you that I always tried to do the same thing - I pleaded with my H for years to go to C, either IC or MC, and like your H, my H always said NO. It wasn't going to happen, EVER. Well, it did finally happen (years later and with D proceedings right around the corner), but again, I feel he only agreed to it to placate me and to slow down the D process.
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In spite of his words I've been sensing a shift in H and his moods. He has always been clear that he would do NOTHING that would give me false hope and lately when we do talk I "feel" him listening more...I think some of what I say is getting through to him. At any rate, I do agree that he could be doing it just so I can move on and that is fine...time will tell.
Yes, time will tell.
If you feel he's being more attentive to what you've been telling him, that's great. It's a baby step forward.
Now, at the risk of sounding negative, I want to give you my perspective on something here:
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Him: I am tired of working on us! I just want to get a long for a really long time and stop talking about all this sh#$! Me: How can we get along if we never spend time together? Him: I don't want to spend time with you right now Me: That hurts...I know you don't feel like you could love me like that again, but that is because you keep telling yourself that...maybe you should try telling yourself something good about me Him: I have been noticing good things about you
From your previous posts and now including this one, I think your H does genuinely want to get along, yet he also continues to tell you in one way or another that there is no R here. I know we are told in DR to believe none of what the WAS says, but even still - your H is expressing his feelings. Those feelings could very well change, but RIGHT NOW, these are his current feelings.
You guys have a history together. Many years that were filled with joy, love, and shared pain. You also have a lovely daughter, and she still needs the both of you to be the best you can be. For her and for yourselves. You two have to coparent. Therefore, for the benefit of all involved, you must get along.
Perhaps this is what your H is striving for. This could be something that he is working on with his C. It could also be another reason why he was given the exercise to work on - the one where he was to focus on the good in you.
I think your H is trying to get you to understand that he is 'done', and he would like for you to accept that. He also wants to get along for the sake of coparenting your daughter, and not only that - I am sure it's also because he does still love you. He can't just throw away everything the two of you shared together. He really does care about you and doesn't want to see you hurt anymore than you already have.
Please understand that I am NOT suggesting that you give up the good fight - I would not be in this place if I ever believed in such a thing. What I am suggesting is that you let him be and you do your best to move on 'as if' you're not going to be together any longer. I know that is so much more easier said than done, but I really think you need to try.
No more R talks - save it for your sessions. No more disagreeing with his feelings (out loud). No more pressure. I think not asking to spend time with him (i.e. going to a movie, etc) is a good start.
Time to get busy focusing on YOU and your D. The rest will follow.
(((CW)))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
