I couldnt get myself to start a thread. I've noticed Lisa is keeping quiet too (I hope you are well My Lady). Quiet is good when you ar enot sure what to say or how to say it...
I was terribly shocked by Jen's loss (Jen I am so sorry...). It triggered a lot of thoughts and emotions that I have been avoiding for a while. I cant really share these here because I am afraid my English would really sound "hairy" (as someone told me) and I would get my friends confused.
I am OK in general. I am still smiling in case you are wondering. But closing that door is much more complicated than it sounds. I know many of you know that already. Especially when kids are involved.
My stbxH wants to talk to me. I am avoiding it. I am afraid what he will say. During our last get together on Sat, I was mean and hurt him. I dont know if I shared this clearly here but I was very mean. I forbid him to use his cell in my house for work, demanded he rents a house where our kids have a room, refused to let him use my PC saying "you cant have access to anything of mine anymore", made comments like "only because you are unfortunately the father of my kids" etc etc... All the above smiling and looking strong.
I guess I feel I dont have to be "nice" to him anymore and when he got me mad with his stupid behaviour in front of the kids I just reacted any way I wanted. When he left, he looked like a beaten up child. I spent the next 2 hours in guilt and feeling like a b!tch. BUT, I know I have to be very clear and set boundaries and make him realise we need to get unstuck from where we are... This non-D situation is not allowing me to move on 100%. And I feel I need to. I guess I must find the money to proceed. And be patient. And listen to what he has to say at some point. Ok, enough...
The weather is cloudy/rainy but warm. I love this weather. I like sleeping in and drinking coffees and then going to sleep again... K
Someone who doesnt care anymore doesnt leave "looking like a beaten up child". He keeps trying and you slam him in the face every time. He is now saying he wantes to talk to you and you are avoiding it!
You said.."BUT, I know I have to be very clear and set boundaries and make him realise we need to get unstuck from where we are..." ...but is being mad, mean, cold, a b*tch as you described yourself, really being clear? Is that really clear, honest, open communication? Is that assertion, or is it aggression? It sounds to me, as Forest would say, as you were doing it with a lot of emotion.
Are you trying to punish him, or are you trying to just protect yourself? Do you really really want to be rid of him 100%? Do you not love him anymore? I cant tell whats going on!
I'm sorry if I am speaking out of turn, but I want to be honest with you (you always were with me!) - but your behaviour/actions/words confuse the hell out of me!! and yet you are presumably being honest with all of us here...so how the hell do you think he is reading it ??? I bet he is totally confused.
Thinking of you, as always, stay strong, you are beautiful you know, Al xxxxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I am honest Ali. I guess I am worried too much about things that I dont know that will happen but could happen.I am worried too m uch of what MAY happen. I dont want to be the one saying "no-we are done". I am more comfortable with "the role I was given". That is the truth. I prefer to feel I made it and I am fine than feel the guilt for making my kids suffer... I am honest.
PS He sees a consistent me. You guys see a bigger part of me. the only thing that maybe confusing is that I "shut off" when he did not expect it. He ignored my warnings...
Do you feel like you gave it your best shot? Or would you be prepared to have another go at reconciling? I guess at some point you have to look back and have no regrets - just treasure the good times and your children, and know that what's done is done. 'Its called a break up because its broken'.
I guess this is a good time to practise living in the moment. My dad always tells me - dont have regrets about the past - its done, and dont worry about the future - its out of your control, just concentrate on the present - thats where life is happening.
Really interesting about your insight about playing the role you were given. I'm hearing that you realise that you are stronger than you thought you would be (given the role of being the LBS) and that maybe you feel a bit guilty, and realising there is a connection with H that's not as easy to cut off as you hoped it would be.
(((K))) Look forward to hearing more about how you are feeling and what insight you are having.
My thought is, I would talk to him. Find out what he wants, if anything...
For months he would not talk about anything, and you said it would be easier to let go if you had some answers....Then a couple months ago you said you no longer had questions. Are you sure? I think getting together with him, even if it is for the LAST time, and hearing what he has to say could be helpful. Even if it just helps you offically close the door.
I am not you, but if it were me, I would always wonder in the back of my mind what he wanted to say, if I didn't let him say it...
Kalni - I think you are at the point like I am - you have gotten yourself so burned talking to your H about the R that you just want to move on and not go over old ground anymore.
If he really was concerned about wanting to save the R, I would think he would put all his thoughts down in writing for you along with his justification and guarantees of why he thinks your M could be saved. He needs to be more of a pursuer now than just being a little boy that makes you feel sorry for him.
The guilt and anger may mean the others are right and it wouldn't hurt you to at least hear him out. The worst that can happen is you'll gain information. Remember he can't hurt you if you don't let him, so you may have nothing to fear.
It could all be too little too late, but if it is, hearing from him shouldn't change that.
I want you to be smiling on the inside, but I'm afraid there is still something left to uncover. I may also be wrong, but regardless, I'm a Kalni fan no matter what.
I'm sad for your scars. I have them too. It's a little frightening to me how quickly the love and caring can turn into contempt and fear - at least, I feel like I need to protect myself from the uneven emotional advances of my XW in order to maintain an even keel.
He may want to explain his side of things and you may not be ready to hear it. He may express regret and again, you may not be ready to hear it. I don't know. I think you should always give the benefit of the doubt, but maybe things are too raw to do this in real time? Maybe it's better that he write you a letter if there is something he really wants to say?
If my XW would want to talk, I think that's what I'd say to her. Take it for what it's worth.
