I am feeling a little calmer today. I asked him if we could talk about the list last night so that today we could just have a good day. He called a bit later and we had a good talk about it. I started out explaining how I am trying to do all the things on the list (except the family thing and even that I am willing to let him have a relationship with them, when in the past I nagged him to cut ties completly) He agreed that he could see that I was trying but then got frustrated and said I was being defensive. I wanted to say something snappy back, opened my mouth to reply and everything, but changed my mind and just said "you're right. I am being defensive" and then changed my tone and attitude towards the conversation. It was only like 20 minutes but it did make me feel better because he sees that I am trying really hard to make changes and he is just wanting me to talk it over with the counselor and see what they think and what else I can do. I know the list is not that bad or unreasonable of him to ask and I did thank him for making the list and for calling me to talk it over with him. I threw in lots of "I know I need to trust you, I trust you to do this, etc" type comments and he responded well. I'm just happy we did not argue and that we will probably just have a good day today and not have to talk about it anymore for awhile.
I still feel nauseas and axious today but that is partly because I am just nervous to see him since it has been 2 and a half weeks! Oy vey!
Part of me, like way back in my mind, is still a little upset because I am starting to feel like a show dog who has to do all these tricks to get his approval. It's like he says jump and I have to ask how high? Eventually this gets very very old. After reading the list I wanted to walk and just say "screw you!" but I have been thinking and understand that he is not asking for all that much, our situation could be much worse, and if I did not still love him it would be much easier to walk away and it's not. . .so I guess I am still here. Still trying.
I'll post later tonight or tomorrow morning to let y'all know how my IC appointment goes as well as my "date day" with him.
