God give me the patience and the strength...7

[theotherhalf]

Don't know if I've told you all the "good news" in my life. D17 got chosen to be a Homecoming candidate!! I am so excited for her. One of her goals for herself when she was younger was to be someone that everyone liked in HS. I patted her on the back and congratulated her on attaining a personal goal. I don't care if she gets queen or not, doesn't matter. Just being concidered is HUGE to me. And I am so proud of her. School is going good for her to. Seems things are turning around and I am so happy for her.

N14 is doing good as well. Having a good VB season. Having fun too! Keeps her busy as well. We've had a couple of incedents between us but the last one she ended up giving me a hug and told me she loved me. First time ever! So feel like we are gaining ground. FINALLY!!!

H's crap...talked to him the next night and asked WTH that was about. He said honestly that he thinks he so used to sleeping on the couch and being alone that he did it unintentional. He said he woke the next morning and remembered what he did and thought "woa". I asked why didn't he call and apologize or something. He just shrugged and said "sorry". I let him know how it hurt me, but then let it go. Next night I pulled the ol' TOH [censored] again and dumped on him over the phone. I talked, I cried, went on and on. He just sat there and said nothing. The only words that came out of his mouth were...
"things were goin fine and now..."
"yea"
"I'm not so shut up about it" (seeing OW)
"I don't know, I doubt it, but don't know" (think we'll get back together)
"I going to keep doing what I'm doing, I am going to keep living here, going to work, doing my farming, If you want to change it, change it, I don't give a [censored]"

Last night I got him to sit with me a bit and talk over finances. (He did not want to at all) Things are really spiraling downwards there. I wanted him to see for himself. He just has the attitude that "sorry, but it is what it is, and we'll deal with it". I asked if he had any ideas or suggestions, told him I am trying my best to make this work. He ended up staying a couple of hours and I listened to him talk about work and stuff. Conv went okay.

HELP ME!!! I have got to leave him alone!!!!! How do I do this? How do I accept? How do I overcome my fear? I have no other choice anymore. How do I just let him go????? I was doing good. Then he's here, he flirts, he acts like his old self, then I fall head over heals again. I need to stop this and I can't...

[MidwesternGirl]

I think you already know what you need to do but you just cannot bring yourself to do it.

You have got to absolutely stop being confrontational and bringing up ow, etc. That is a must.

Does it matter where he sleeps in your house? That would be the last thing on my mind.

Remember, they do not want a mother figure telling them what to say, think, feel, etc.

[theotherhalf]

Does it matter where he sleeps in your house

Huh? He doesn't live here...he rents a house in town.

I never tell him what to do, how to feel, etc...

I do ask him how or why...

and your right, I do think I know that you all are right, that I have no other choice. I just don't know how...

[a new 2moro]

I just don't know how...

aww c'mon TOH....we told you how til were blue in the face. buck up and leave him alone..its starts with one day...then another....and you have to resist temptation ...and yes he will pull away and yes you will survive and yes it will hurt...but ya know not nearly as brutal as what hes doing to you know...

[theotherhalf]

D17 didn't get queen or attendant. That's okay. I am still so proud that she was concidered. She was the most beautiful one anyway! (maybe impartial :))

H called before parade. Talked to D17 then asked to talk to me. Asked me to pick him up if I wanted to if not no big deal he'd go himself. I said sure, no problem. Talked a little bit with him then ended the call. So we spent the evening together. He seemed to be in a mood but I didn't ask what was wrong, nor did I let it affect mine. Dropped him off after and that was that.

Now to get through the weekend...

[theotherhalf]

not nearly as brutal as what hes doing to you know...

true, true

[Dawn of Hope]

TOH,
IMHO, it is VITAL for you to LEAVE HIM ALONE except when he contacts you or it is urgent for you to contact him. I think you know that, and I know it's tough, especially when you have the farm together, but stop contacting, stop initiating, stop questioning, stop spouting emotions at him, stop inviting him to be involved in your daily life and concerns if it isn't an emergency.

It is like anything else--a habit. Habits can be broken. You just have to work at it until you break the old habit and form a new one, and then you can let the autopilot take over. And you have to get right back at it when you slip up. Nobody does it perfectly on the first try, but if you work at it, you get better. It sounds to me like you need the extra-strength measures, which means a DETAILED and REHEARSED plan for dealing with him. In other words, you need to get very specific, and then practice.

Set aside a good chunk of time for this exercise: Write down some of the major situations/issues/fears that have caused you to do things you know are not in your best long-term interests, DB-wise. Think about WHY these things have derailed you--not just the obvious whys--go deeper. If it is fear, what are you afraid of? And why would that be a problem? And then...again, why would *that* be a problem? Keep asking these questions, working through the layers, until you get to the core. Once you have that figured out (and that is half the battle right there), see what you can come up with to help soothe whatever those fears or other negative emotions are. And then...figure out how you can stop yourself from going off the deep end when something flips your emotional switches. Find a thought or a behavior or a talisman or SOMETHING that helps you deal with those moments where you are tempted to throw DBing right out the window and over the cliff. Once you have that, PRACTICE going directly to your thought or behavior or whatever when you are calm, so that you develop the habit and it becomes automatic when you need it.

You can do this! It might take more work for you than for some people on this board, but if you have changed voluntarily at all through all this mess, then you can do so in a bigger way, and take yourself where you want to go. Remember: Discipline is remembering what you want MOST.

I hope that helps!
Peace,
Dawn

[theotherhalf]

thanks DOH I printed out your post and I will try it.

I know what my real "fear" is. It's the fear of losing my H forever. But I think I am reaching the point of realizing that it may just happen and there really is not a damb thing I can do about it.

I "want" to stay M. I "want" to share my life with H. I "want" to stay on this farm. But life doesnt always turn out the way we "want" it to. My life today really really s*cks. I can't continue living this way for ANY reason. It's time to make it stop. Accept what is. And find a way to make it better. For ME. and for MY GIRLS. H is not my problem anymore.

Sooo, here goes...

[a new 2moro]

of all the LBS's who had WAS come home I cant think of any who had success with your method. I believe they all gave their S some time to think and go thru the crisis. That is why your h is so stuck..you will NOT let him go thru the steps he needs.

[theotherhalf]

an2m,

I guess I just have been so afraid that if I leave him alone to go this "journey" alone, that he'll just settle for what is and we will lose it all. H has never been one to take the bull by the horns. He is the one that got us to where we are today (well before MLC) but I am the one that led us. Do you get what I am saying? H is too "it is what it is". He has said many times "just cut your losses and move one". That is what I am afraid he'll do if I let him do this alone. He has no clue what he is going through. Won't even try to figure out what it is.

BUT, he did find the "balls" to up and leave me. I NEVER EVER thought he'd ever do that. For ANY reason. So maybe just maybe he's changed. Maybe I don't know him as much as I think I do. And no matter. I CAN'T do this anymore. I CAN'T live like this.
I CAN'T make him see, no matter how hard I try.

So I have to give this damb mess and my H up to God and pray for the best. I have to trust my faith and believe that it will all work out in the end. And if that future is to be without my H, then I guess it's not for me to decide.