Saffie and TxMom, My H is moving today and it breaks my heart. But I have set some goals with the house and myself and GAL to win him back. That is my bottom line. I am working on my control issues and anger. Saffie did your H move out of the house while in A? It was hard to DB these last few days because of all the emotions. This morning in leaving for work H came over and hugged me and I said I'm sorry but I can't remember any of the bad right now. I love you. All against DB but it was heart felt. Need to stop obsessing about OW also. I keep bringing her up. I know it is bad because then all it does is validate her. Without H in house I will be able to keep to my game plan better. Any tips on what you did Saffie is appreciated.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Saffie to Hope's question... did H move out while still in A?? I feel at a loss and since we don't see each other or even talk that much it makes it hard..... My H affair is full on ... he has given his heart to someone else and I think it is hard for him to remember how it was with us..
Give us any advice and suggestions... you are a sucess story..
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
Hi TxMom, I worry about that too now that H is moving out. It will either bring the OW closer because H no longer is in house or maybe it will drive them apart. Remember how do you give your heart to someone after only a few months. Right now they are in the "honeymoon stage", the excitement and newness, that will wane after awhile. I agree with T2L that the MLC and OW is an addicted pattern. After a time he will start hopefully coming out of the fog. I noticed a slight change with my H sometimes like he was more of "himself". It was living with a stranger that I did not know. What I thought about was did I want the marriage or did I want a divorce? I want the marriage --- even though right now I am the only one who wants it.
Goal list for today- titled "making it through the worst day and surviving"
move some of my clothes where H's clothes were to fill the space. sit with D15 tonight and NOT talk about H (unless she wants to) call D28 and connect with her tonight Breathe Breathe Breathe
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
What I thought about was did I want the marriage or did I want a divorce? I want the marriage --- even though right now I am the only one who wants it.
That's cool. For me though I mentally am fine no matter what happens. At one point I wanted the marriage 100% and I don't anymore with H as he is now with OW, and the personality changes, poor parenting, etc. I know that I'll be happy no matter what happens, so that's kind of comforting for me. The separation/divorce process for us will take at least a full year so I figure that's enough time for H to decide if he wants D or not; and if he chooses D I think my life will be just as good as when married if not better. Karen
Hi karen, I agree that the DB techniques are good for both working the M and if it does not work. Since I am just fairly new to this I need to give it a try. I had 21 years invested in this marriage and will not give up after 3 months. I am very scared of the future but need to take one day at a time. These message boards are a Godsend for me. thanks for your post.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I'm replying later tonight... so read.. I have to go down to neighbors for pizza and drinks with kids.... I saw and talked to H today.. I played it so cool and normal... sometimes it feels like old times and then he leaves and I realize he isn't coming home later....
more later
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
Hi Texmom, good you did some DBing. I know you asked about H taking the kids. I think you should go to a friend's house and then H stays at your house. With your kids being so small they would probably do better at home and then there is no way for H to bring OW..
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
My H didn't ever move out so I am afraid I am really no good to you on that one. He had been carrying on the A for 18 months when he told me about it so the first flushes of the excitement had gone.
Actually, the OW started to really pressurise him once she knew I knew....I think she had been gradually building up the pressure prior to his coming clean............and that really didn't help her cause.
The attitude of the kids to my H and his transgressions also helped me. My second D, who was 14 at the time, phoned the OW up without H or I knowing, and really tore her off a strip. I know that another poster on here, Sara, also had a similar experience with one of her children. I think it helps let the OW know that their idea of happy families in the future might not be what they hope for!!! In my instance the OW really made herself look unappealing eventually. I think that is what often happens....which is why making yourself look the better option works sometimes. OW gets clingy, pushy, demanding etc. and stops being such hassle free fun. You meantime have been sweetness and light and look to be more easy to live with. I never got to the point where I had to live like that though and I don't think I would have been good at it. I wasn't going to share my H once I knew what was going on. ( I guess I can say that though because it never got to that point for me....if things had continued who knows how many hoops I would have jumped through to save my M?).
I have to admit, whilst dealing with the immediate problem of stopping the A , I didn't do the act as if stuff......it wasn't in me. I also didn't know about DB at the time.
I played it more along the tough love line. I wouldn't contemplate H having anything to do with me if he was seeing OW. I was lucky that I had professional suppport IRL who backed me up and were willing to talk to my H.
I came to DB about a year after OW was off the scene. Although H was completely reconciled with me and working hard on the M, I couldn't move on and forget about the OW. In effect she was still ruining my M because I couldn't stop thinking about her. It was the DB principles that helped me get through that...those and the people I met on here who kept me sane. I also continued with therapy.
BTW - I should thank you for saying I am a sucess.....I guess time will tell if that's true or not. I would question what qualifies someone to be a success. there are many people I have met here on these boards who have not necessarily 'saved ' their M...but who I would class as being successful...they are the one's who have grown and developed and gone on to lead fulfilling lives...regardless of what has happened to the M that brought them to this place.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Sometimes I wish my H affair had already had time to sizzle out before I found out... so hard when they move but Hope and I are going to be positive... all I want is the chance to see if we can make it work and get through the A ... if he gives me the chance I'll put 100% in it and if I just can't get past it or he can't then I would know in my heart that it would be time to move on...
OK update - saw H yesterday for a bit.. as mentioned I played it cool..we went over our schedules for the next month - business as I travel with my job and other stuff.. it seemed like normal (of course it is not)
Last night we had a little neighbor block party and all the kids played and the adults hung outside and had a few drinks etc... of course everyone asking where is my H? Why did his 40th b-day party get canceled? ... I haven't told them anything... so I decided to text him this " with all the neighbors tonight, everyone asking about you, wish you were here.. see you tomorrow"
I hear nothing back from him last night - not that it required a text back but b/c he is staying with OW and not rushing into finding his own place I knew he wouldn't text back.. I was also hoping the OW would maybe see the text.. not sure what he tells her when he is at our house.
I get a reply text this morning from him " Thanks for the sweet message last night. Plan on playing tennis tonight . I'll be there after my survey... have a great day"
thoughts??? of course there isn't much to read into but obviously I want to find any morsal of hope... More than I thought I'd get .. of course wish I had received this last night...
This DBing is so hard ... I struggle with my nice, "as if" attitude and worry that it lessons his guilt and makes him think I'm ok with all of this...(or that he is getting his cake and eating it too) but I get the concept that if I was cold, short, or always asking questions etc.. this is not attractive either... I've decided I'm going to do my best for the month of October to try to play it cool, talk his love language, fill his love bank up when I can, of course all with boundries... let him see the girls, do my 180's... plan for the worse and hope for the best... He knows how I feel about the OW and no room for 3 after the letter I gave him... but I will write something nice in his b-day card next week and just let him know that my door is still open when he is ready to come back and work on this M...
thoughts??
Hope how are you doing today? did you stay home? How was last night?
LE - any updates... I did email on Puppy thread we'll see if he responds
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
I have seen people on here say that it has helped them in situations like yours to think of their S as a nice stranger: that's how they treat them - friendly but without being overly connected and familiar and by keeping their guard up slightly to minimise the hurt. Using caution and being careful about the details they divulged.
I read what you say about keeping the door open....but I wouldn't be too frank to your H's face about that otherwise he will just think you are happy to sit there waiting until he pleases to come home. I really wouldn't tell him one way or another about waiting.....why should you? You can show by your actions what your intentions are...however I would say that being TOO available will probably make your H complacent about sorting out the sitch.
My H would have loved for me to have given him time to decide who he wanted to be with....he did ask for that. I am afraid I just said no; as far as I was concerned, if I let him start thinking he had whatever time he needed to make a decision then what incentive was there to decide? It must be great to be fought over and the object of two people's affections. There was no way I was going to butter his ego up the way he was behaving. OW was feeding him enough B*llsh!t like that.....and he KNEW it was just an ego trip and wouldn't last and that really she wasn't being honest. I didn't have to be nasty about it but I did have to be firm and consistent. I made sure he knew how much he meant to me and the children, I validated his feelings as to why things had gone wrong, I owned up to my share in the M breakdown that led to the A...but as for enabling the A to continue once I knew about it....well that was a no no for me- it was a boundary I would not cross.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Karen