I'm very glad your H has agreed to MC. This could be a great opportunity!
Amy M - EXCELLENT post.
Originally Posted By: Amy M
I should warn you, though, that he may be thinking that he's going to go to counseling so you'll finally understand that he's done. I'm not saying that he really is done...he's obviously not! But, I am saying that might be his motive. My H did the same thing when our trouble started last year.
As did mine. It wasn't that my H wanted to show me he was done per se - it was more he agreed to go to MC just to appease me. I don't think he ever had any intentions of changing what needed to be changed in him.
From reading your post, I get the feeling that you sorta pushed this on your H. He didn't want an R talk, so perhaps he wanted to put a stop to it by reluctantly giving you what you wanted - an agreement to try MC.
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And, I'd be real upfront that your H was less than enthusiastic about the counseling. If they know that, they can put your H on the hook in the beginning for attending several sessions, etc. Then he's committed that to someone else...not you. He might stay with it better if that's the case.
Be VERY careful here.
If you do this, be sure to discuss this with the MC BEFORE you go in there with your H. The last thing you want to do in your session - especially your first - is to immediately put him on the spot. That would be a HUGE mistake. Why? Because it could very well make him feel pressured/attacked/etc, and if that happens, you WILL LOSE HIM. I'm referring to his participation and/or willingness to even give MC a real try.
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I see this as a huge opportunity. But, in the meantime, you might want to back off the R talk a little. You likely don't even realize that you do it (I don't realize in my sitch and NikB always points out what I should have done differently!). But, I think you might be better off scheduling the counseling; Telling him when it is; And, making that the only R talk you have between now and then.
Remember that everytime you say, "So, you really don't see a future with me?" it forces him to respond with something like, "No. Not now." Because he doesn't right now...if he did, he'd move home, and he can't do that (pride)!!! That reenforces in his mind what he's been telling himself for a while. Don't make him keep saying things like that out loud! Quit asking. When you talk about D's issues with the sitch...make sure that you focus only on D's issues and what the 2 of you can do to help her deal with things.
Amy said it all - BACK OFF WITH THE R TALKS.
Good luck.
(((CW)))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
