Breaking the Silence

[istherehope]

Hi Daisy,

I know you're probably in bed right now, but please try to relax. I don't think that list is bad at ALL. In fact I think it's pretty mild and reasonable (sorry if you disagree, JMO). I know you may see things differently, but let me give you my perspective on this.

1.) Attitude towards new things.—you say you have been trying to do this—good—can you get clarification about what your H thinks you haven’t been doing here? Sometimes changes take time to get noticed, especially if you aren’t living together
2.) Issues with my family—I know how you feel about his family—could you see a situation where you are able to “accept” his family without necessarily having to be around them, a kind of situation where you agree to disagree? Is it possible that your H is making a big deal about this only because of recent heated arguments? Perhaps if you were to back off on it for a bit he might let it go as well?
3.) Nagging—almost all WAHs say this. I would be shocked if it weren’t on 99% of their mental lists. Great that you’re working on it. It will just take time for your H to see this.
4.) Trust with my responsibilities aka dealing with money, or social contacts—same as above, it takes time for change to show. Perhaps he can give an indication of times that he feels you are being trusting and you can build on that?
5.) Giving space—I’m really sorry to say this, but I think you are going to need to trust your H to have reasonable boundaries. Either you give him the trust or he may not be with you and there will then be no boundaries. I don’t mean that to sound harsh, but I think you may need to drop this a bit. Assume he will not cheat on you, and give him the space to make up his own mind to treat you with the respect you deserve.
6.) Allowing me personal time, to go out and do what i want—Just like above, wouldn’t you rather have him in your home and in your life going out with his friends and coming home too late and drinking too much from time to time than not being with you at all? Maybe not, but I think it’s a trade off you may need to make. Your H is very young, and I think that if you don’t give him his space, he might rebel against the concept of marriage.

Daisy--can you just thank him for the list, see your IC, and get his opinion? Please don't say anything to your H about it without talking to your IC first.

I hope you're feeling better today. You CAN do this!

ITH