1.) Attitude towards new things. 2.) Issues with my family. 3.) Nagging. 4.) Trust with my responsibilities aka dealing with money, or social contacts. 5.) Giving space 6.) Allowing me personal time, to go out and do what i want
I know you're probably in bed right now, but please try to relax. I don't think that list is bad at ALL. In fact I think it's pretty mild and reasonable (sorry if you disagree, JMO). I know you may see things differently, but let me give you my perspective on this.
1.) Attitude towards new things.—you say you have been trying to do this—good—can you get clarification about what your H thinks you haven’t been doing here? Sometimes changes take time to get noticed, especially if you aren’t living together 2.) Issues with my family—I know how you feel about his family—could you see a situation where you are able to “accept” his family without necessarily having to be around them, a kind of situation where you agree to disagree? Is it possible that your H is making a big deal about this only because of recent heated arguments? Perhaps if you were to back off on it for a bit he might let it go as well? 3.) Nagging—almost all WAHs say this. I would be shocked if it weren’t on 99% of their mental lists. Great that you’re working on it. It will just take time for your H to see this. 4.) Trust with my responsibilities aka dealing with money, or social contacts—same as above, it takes time for change to show. Perhaps he can give an indication of times that he feels you are being trusting and you can build on that? 5.) Giving space—I’m really sorry to say this, but I think you are going to need to trust your H to have reasonable boundaries. Either you give him the trust or he may not be with you and there will then be no boundaries. I don’t mean that to sound harsh, but I think you may need to drop this a bit. Assume he will not cheat on you, and give him the space to make up his own mind to treat you with the respect you deserve. 6.) Allowing me personal time, to go out and do what i want—Just like above, wouldn’t you rather have him in your home and in your life going out with his friends and coming home too late and drinking too much from time to time than not being with you at all? Maybe not, but I think it’s a trade off you may need to make. Your H is very young, and I think that if you don’t give him his space, he might rebel against the concept of marriage.
Daisy--can you just thank him for the list, see your IC, and get his opinion? Please don't say anything to your H about it without talking to your IC first.
I hope you're feeling better today. You CAN do this!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I am feeling a little calmer today. I asked him if we could talk about the list last night so that today we could just have a good day. He called a bit later and we had a good talk about it. I started out explaining how I am trying to do all the things on the list (except the family thing and even that I am willing to let him have a relationship with them, when in the past I nagged him to cut ties completly) He agreed that he could see that I was trying but then got frustrated and said I was being defensive. I wanted to say something snappy back, opened my mouth to reply and everything, but changed my mind and just said "you're right. I am being defensive" and then changed my tone and attitude towards the conversation. It was only like 20 minutes but it did make me feel better because he sees that I am trying really hard to make changes and he is just wanting me to talk it over with the counselor and see what they think and what else I can do. I know the list is not that bad or unreasonable of him to ask and I did thank him for making the list and for calling me to talk it over with him. I threw in lots of "I know I need to trust you, I trust you to do this, etc" type comments and he responded well. I'm just happy we did not argue and that we will probably just have a good day today and not have to talk about it anymore for awhile.
I still feel nauseas and axious today but that is partly because I am just nervous to see him since it has been 2 and a half weeks! Oy vey!
Part of me, like way back in my mind, is still a little upset because I am starting to feel like a show dog who has to do all these tricks to get his approval. It's like he says jump and I have to ask how high? Eventually this gets very very old. After reading the list I wanted to walk and just say "screw you!" but I have been thinking and understand that he is not asking for all that much, our situation could be much worse, and if I did not still love him it would be much easier to walk away and it's not. . .so I guess I am still here. Still trying.
I'll post later tonight or tomorrow morning to let y'all know how my IC appointment goes as well as my "date day" with him.
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
It was a really, really good day. I am back in this game 100%!
My IC counseling session went really well. I like the counselor and it was basically just an unload of my life story in a nut shell and a bunch of paperwork. It was good though. I kept wondering why the session felt so long but I realized it was because I didn't have to share the time with hubby like in MC! Hehe. I'm going back next Thursday. One thing that we did talk about and I think I am straightened out on now is this whole family issue. She told me that when I say negative things about his family it is pointing out to him that he did not have good parents and that is like stabbing him in the heart so even though I am not going to have a relationship with them and do not have to personally like them I need to show compassion for my hubby and understand that it is built in to him, as a human, to want love and acceptance from his parents even though they are awfule people. I have a hard time understanding this concept but that is because my parents are so good to me. I just get protective of my hubby and see how much damage his parents have done/do to him and start to hate them for that. But I need to let it go and show compassion to my hubby and let him discover on his own who they are and let him decide (without my imput) the place he wants to give them in his life. I know that might sound very basic but it really clicked in my brain.
I gave her the sheet with all the lists on it at the end of the session and that is what we are going to tackle next week.
One interesting question was on a scale of one to ten how much do you want this relationship to work out. I gave it an 8 and when she asked where I thought my hubby was I said probably a 6 as he is really confused but deep down I know he loves me and does not want to lose me.
Interesting. . .
After my session I had to run to the grocery store to get the stuff to make for dinner. While I was there hubby texted me "aww, not here?" Which I thought was adorable. I said I was looking for bread crumbs and he was like "well hurry up!" Lol. So impatient.
So I got there and took everything inside. Things were kinda awkward at first since we hadn't seen each other in so long so we played with the cats and talked for awhile. When I asked him what he wanted to do since it was raining and we couldn't wash our cars as planned he was like "I don't know. Make out. Have sex." Lol. Men. . .such simple creatures. So that's what we did
Then we went to lunch and had a really good friendly conversation. He was just telling me about his living situation and job situation. It feels good knowing that he is opening up to me again and talking about stuff in his life. A good sign.
We went to the movie store and rented a movie to watch later and just kinda wandered around and looked at stuff, he was mostly checking out the games. Again men. . . But when I would wander off he would come after me, he did that a few times actually. Normally he doesn't care if I wander around on my own but yesterday he kinda followed me. Weird. Mr. Independent my toe!
We went back to the house and he watched part of a movie on tv and I tried to stay awake but had been up since 5am and fell asleep in his lap which was nice. He was very cuddly on the couch. When I got up I cleaned the kitchen and he kept trying to pull me away to come check out stuff on the computer which was funny he was like competing for my attention so I gave him ten minutes and then went and made dinner. He downloaded a few things that I wanted. I made dinner. We watched the movie and ate dinner. Nothing exciting but it was so nice because we were joking around and smiling at each other, lots of cuddling and playing around. It was really really nice. I missed him even more than I thought I did.
I made him watch survivor and he was like "I could do that, I'd be better at that, etc" and normally I would have been like "I'm sure it's harder than it looks, it's probably really hard to do, etc" but last night I did a baby 180 and just said "Yeah you could! You should go on there because you'd win!" He looked at me kinda funny. Lol. Like surprised that I would say that.
After the show we were just hanging out and talking about stuff, a lot about the army situation which is good but still terribly up in the air right now. Which makes me a little insane but I'm trying to not let it get to me too much.
We ML again and then he stayed with me for another half an hour or so and we cuddled and talked about the day and how good it was because we didn't argue. I was exhausted at this point for being up for over 18 hours and was getting a little cranky and we did not have an argument but got kinda irratated for a few minutes but he stayed longer and finally left even though I didn't want him to go. . .
But we will see each other soon. Probably middle of next week and then for sure next Saturday because we are going to the corn maze! So as I predicted. . .once we saw each other again and had a good day together we will get in the pattern of seeing each other more regularly and things will be going back uphill.
My hubby just told me today that he is shipping out on the 14th to go back to Virginia to complete his training. His orders are for 29 days but that's like telling Gilligan that he is going on a three hour cruise.
I'm very upset right now and don't know what to do.
Sorry as I haven't had the time to properly read through your last thread, and just got back from a night out, but from my initial thoughts, you left your H with a GREAT impression, and he is leaving for 29 days in about 10 days.
I know this seems sudden and harsh, but you have nearly 2 weeks to build on the positives, and 29 days isn't THAT long. Are you worried it might last longer than this?
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
2. When he finishes he will be officially in his unit which is getting deployed to Iraq next year, in April. I think that might kill me.
3. He will be living on an army base with a bunch of DAM who will undoubtedly be bad influences
I am feeling a little more calm now. I cried all the way home and then called my hubby and he said it's going to be ok and that he is a little scared too but he is going to be fine. He also made me smile by saying that he wants to stay the night with me the night before and that he wants me to be the one to pick him up from the airport when he comes home again. So that is positive and good but there are so many potential pitfalls. I think I will die if we get things back together and then he leaves to go to war. I can't even think about it right now without having a nervous breakdown.
I'm trying to breath and trying to think of ways to spend as much time as possible with him between now and his departure. He wants to spend more time together too so we will be making plans later to hang out more than what we had already set up. So that is also good. I'm just going to miss him so much. Even if it is only 29 days that is still a long time when we are just starting to put pieces together again. But then again it could be just the thing to bring us together again. It will give him time to think and miss me and when he gets home he will get his enlistment bonus and we could actually afford to move in together again because of that. So there are lights at the end of the tunnel but I still feel scared and sad right now.
Thanks for being there you guys. I really appreciate you!
