I guess it's over

[Trixi]

Bottom line- he doesn't want to be married.

So, tonight he came over to study spanish. He brought in his guitar, so that was nice-because I haven't gotten to hear him play for a long time.

Had a nice dinner. I asked him if we would be seeing eachother this weekend and he said that he was busy all weekend, but that maybe Sunday. I asked what he was doing and he said jamming on Saturday and Friday he had party. I said "you know, I get invited to parties" and he said "good for you" (not sarcastic.)

I had a couple glasses of wine so my tongue was getting loose; we went outside and I said something about him keeping me at arms length and he said "yeah, I do."

I then told him about my "non-date" and he actually said "well, good for you. You need to do what you need to do." and then he said "You shouldn't count on me for anything." (Oh crap!!!)
He continues "I don't want to be married. I mean I love you and I care about you, but I don't want to be married."

He doesn't want to be tied down. He sees Costa Rica as some anomaly. "we were on a trip". I pointed out that from Jan 2nd- Easter he was 'into me' and that "oddly enough" we have had a TON of what he would consider "anomalies".

He said that now that two marriages have failed (I am number two) he doesn't believe in the institution. But we can always get married later if we want. WTF?!?

He will always love me. Wants me in his life. He is afraid to lose me and that is why he hangs on to me. He wants my friendship. Although, he admits that we have no issues in other arenas.

He doesn't want to be "tied down" or "committed". It was just too much, too late. He has just been on this path to being single for too long.

Would you believe after all of that he wanted to go to bed with me????!!! Uh, NO!

I flipped him several birds, read him some riot act about him re-writing history. And at the end, I said "At the risk of making you stubborn- you will be back. You have already gone out there and discovered the grass wasn't greener. You will be back." and he said "You're so confident about that" I say "well, yeah. because you always DO come back. But do not make the assumption *I* will be here."

He was very sure of himself that we will always love eachother. That he "Isn't going to let me go". WHAT?!?!?!?

At the end, he said he had to go and I said "yup." gave him some leftovers and sent him on his way. He gave me a hug, a kissy noise at the screen door and I just gave him a single wave and walked away.

OMG!!!! I can't F'ing believe he did it to me AGAIN. Mother F'er! And he still maintains that he loves me! And we can get married again later if we want! WHAT ARE WE DOING?????

He really tried to get me to go to bed with him and I am proud of myself for not falling for it. After he left I wailed and writhed on the floor. I am SOOOOOO heartbroken.