Another one bites the dust (2)

[No Longer BH]

Old Thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1604409&page=0&fpart=1

So I had to take a little break from posting for a bit and I come back and my thread gets locked. Guess it just gives me a chance to put in a new drink order: Cosmo for me!

So, here is a little update on what has been transpirering. THis past weekend was my S Bday. I had a wonderful small celebration with him on Saturday and Sunday he spent the day with his dad celebrating. STBXH picked him up at 10 am and was suppose to have him until 6pm. At 4pm they came back and walked into the house and proceeded to play video games with S for 2 hours. I was livid but chose not to bring up the boundaries talk at that moment because it was son's bday celebration. I found out after STBXH finally left that he forgot to feed S lunch that day. <sigh> Monday was son's actual birthday. STBXH wanted to walk him to school and I said of course. We had both planned to go up for S lunch as well so STBXH took off the entire day from work to help make S's bday special. As soon as he is done walking S to school he calls me to say that he is going to "let" me have lunch with S. I am speachless, but say ok if that is what you want. S does not hear from STBXH for the rest of the day. He could have asked to have lunch with S by himself and I would have said sure. Instead he decides to go and do things without S. I, again, was angry but know there is nothing I can do to change how STBXH acts with son.

On Tuesday son had an IC appointment. We met STBXH at the IC office. This time around he is Mr. Chatty and acting like he is father of the year. It came out that S is still very angry at H but doesnt feel comfortable talking to STBXH. I said he still feels very abandond. STBXH gets defensive and goes on about how he did not abandon him. He thne tells IC how great he (STBXH) is now doing. So well in fact his ADs have been reduced and he will be going off them soon. He is just wonderful and does not know why son does not see this. THen he says that he knows when S is older he is going to understand why we got a D. Um, hello, I am older and dont understand it myself. IC looks at STBXH and says "No, dont count on that because children do not ever get over D."

After we step out of IC office I tell STBXH that I was going to be at the house until 5:30 pm and that he was welcome after that and I would see him when I got home later that night. At 4:30 they walk in the door. Once again I am upset. I looked at him and said "I thought you understood that I was going to be here until 5:30." He said yeah but he did not mind me hanging out until I needed to go. I just grabbed my purse and left.

When I got home he says that he didnt mean to make me feel like I had to leave because he was there. I said in a very calm and kind voice "STBXH, I thought you understood the boundaries that I need in order to heal. When I am here, you are not to be. When you are here at your SCHEDULED time then I will not be." He got very angry and through clenched teeth said "Fine, its understood." He grab his things and started to stomp out of the house. I said very sincerely "please drive safe." Without turning or stoping he replied "I always do." then shut the front door hard.

I have noticed that by creating these boundaries it is helping me to become completely detached. His moods are not effecting me anymore, just his actions concerning S or disrespecting my boundaries. I dont get why he keeps coming around or why he even gets mad that I dont want him here anymore. But how can you "get" the mind of someone who is as messed up as he is? I have stopped trying and no longer am focusing on that. I am feeling more at peace and have come to the place where I truly do believe D is the best thing for me. I never thought I would feel that way but his actions have finally pushed me to that point.

I realized he only wanted to be connected to me so he does not have to feel bad about leaving a sick wife. Everything he does is all about him, even taking off for his S bday. Was he there for S at all that day? Not really, ended up doing stuff he wanted to do. Sad that he has become this selfish destructive person and it just makes it easier to run away from him.

So, that about sums up where I am at right now. Hopefully I will not fall too many times because I truly just want to be done with him. I think its getting pretty close to happening.

[Gypsy]

Hello.. Ms Heart Finding Her Stride..

That is quite a tale.. Heck.. I think I'll take some time off if it works that well!

Boundaries.. oh my goodness.. and what great ones too! Who's post did I read who told her spouse... that she would give him a key to the house when he gave her a key to his place. It put it into perspective.

BUT.. Lady... Kudos, KitKats and Mars bars.. you ARE the best!!!!


*hugshugshugs*

[LL44]

His moods are not effecting me anymore, just his actions concerning S or disrespecting my boundaries. I dont get why he keeps coming around or why he even gets mad that I dont want him here anymore.

You and I are in exactly the same spot, my girlie girl!!

he calls me to say that he is going to "let" me have lunch with S.

I had to laugh at this because over the last year my H has "let" me do soooo much: pick up, drop off girls, watch them on weekends, clean the entire house without him, etc. I hear ya! Sorry he was a disappointment on S's bday. Just focus on what YOU got out of the day. You were right where you wanted to be.

[karen43]

I have noticed that by creating these boundaries it is helping me to become completely detached. His moods are not effecting me anymore, just his actions concerning S or disrespecting my boundaries. I dont get why he keeps coming around or why he even gets mad that I dont want him here anymore. But how can you "get" the mind of someone who is as messed up as he is? I have stopped trying and no longer am focusing on that. I am feeling more at peace and have come to the place where I truly do believe D is the best thing for me. I never thought I would feel that way but his actions have finally pushed me to that point.

I could have written all of that! I think I'm in about the same place you are bh! Detaching helps, although I still have those moments where I get more upset than I probably should! I guess it'll get easier as time goes on.

My H tends to hang out at the house quite a bit, but I think in my case it might be partially b/c he is living with OW. But once or twice he's been mad at me and "punished" me by taking the kids instead of hanging around the house with them. I mean do they hang around the house for their own sake or ours? If their sake, why I wonder? I'm guessing after the D he will do that less or maybe I should make him? All this stuff can be so confusing.


I'm sorry that your H was like that on your S' birthday. I think kids do get through stuff like that pretty well, but I think at some point it will affect their relationship in the future, and maybe your H will regret most of this when he realizes that. Karen

[Reincarnated]

BH--
Sorry that I dropped the ball and "lost" you and your thread, especially the great news about the results!!!

Do not feel at all bad about telling stbx what you require him to do re: boundaries.

I am SO much better with no contact at all; it was what had to happen to break my co-dependence. Also, you might want to read through my thread, to see what you might have to expect...I got a backlash of anger, as my x no longer had his favorite punching bag.

So, now that you have the weight of the wait off your shoulders, what are some plans that you have, just for YOU?

[Ready2Change]

Hi Sweetie,

Glad to see you back. I was starting to get concerned.....

Thanks for stopping by my thread. Remember, the books we read are for US and our future relationships (which might not be with our current spouse).....

*HUGS*

[No Longer BH]

So, STBXH is starting to get it that when I said I want NC, I really mean NC. He still trys to have conversations with me, ask how I am feeling when he shows up, ask if I had a good time when I get back. I am always polite but just dont want to talk to him anymore. He no longer lingers around but packs up his stuff and leaves. I have no respect for who he has turned into and feel that I would be wasting my energy if I kept trying to be his friend to get him back. He has OW to be his friend now.

I was so scared to go dark because I thought that meant it was really over. Here is the thing, it was over anyway. Going dark is letting me finaly heal from the emotional wounds that I recieved throughout this ordeal. It is the final step I needed to just be able to move on and let go. Thoughts of him no longer fill most of my day, but they are still there more than I would like. I am not affraid of the big bad divorce any more, just look at it the financial piece that I need to have to move on.

I have really been GAL here lately. Monday night a friend came over for awhile, Tuesday went out with another friend, Wed went to dinner with my S and had a great night, last night went and saw Ghost Town with a different friend and finally tonight going to a 40th Bday party with yet a different friend. Makes me tired even typing it. It is amazing to me how often the infidelity issue is used in films and I dont think I noticed it before because I thought it would never happento me. Last week I saw Burn after reading and had a hard time getting through it and then last night Ghost Town had a minor plot line about infidelity. It was still pretty funny and I found myself laughing really hard in parts. Very cute movie. Just goes to show me how mainstream having an affair is anymore. Sad. Anyway....I'm off to be the social butterfly that I am!

[Ready2Change]

Great attitude!

Have a great weekend!

*HUGS*

[No Longer BH]

Oh, I had to learn a very hard lesson last night. One I never thought I would get hit with, but alas the universe wanted me to grow some more.

I went out with a friend to a surprise Bday party. All of the bunko woman were at this party. About three weeks ago I stayed with this friend and was feeling very vulnerable because of my upcoming test. I broke down and told her about my cancer. Now, from the begining I had decided I would not tell any of my friends. I did not want to 1) have to keep talking about it over and over with them 2) have to keep reassuring everyone I am ok 3) have the extra burden of sicknees placed on them when I was already crushed with my H leaving me. I knew I could handle my illness. I had doctors telling me what to do, I had pills I had to take...it was laid out in front of me how to procede. I needed my friends to help with the loss of my STBXH. There were no plans for that, there is no possible cure (with the exception of Dbing but that did not work for me anymore) and I didnt have statistical numbers to hold onto like I did for my cancer. THat part of my life felt out of control and hopeless, my illness did not.

After I told her I could see her change how she talked to me and looked at me. My heart sunk but I let it go. All I asked is that she keep the information sacred between us. I made it very clear that I did not want ANYONE to know. Last night at the party several different woman came up to me saying things like, "I'm glad you are doing better." "Wow, you are looking so healthy." I knew she had told. When I confronted her she lied and said no she did not say anything. Then someone finally confessed that yes she did tell them all. I was hurt, I was crushed, I felt so betrayed. I told her this and said, "You promised me you would never tell." We left the party (her H drove us there) and road back in silence. Right before we get to her house she turns to me and proceed to yell at me. Profanity and distain are just dripping from her. She tells me I am just exhausting. I am silent through this and then finally say, "I never meant to be a burden to you. I never wanted you to feel that way." At this point she then procedes to yell "Oh will you just shut up, you Fing b!tch." Once again I am shocked by my friends behavior.

Without going into all of the goring details,I am just amazed at the turn of events. I thought of this person as one of my closest friends, she felt like family to me. I have tried over the last year to rotate around my pain to all of my different friends so that no one was recieving the brunt of it. I would vent some of my hurt but tried not to focus on what STBXH was doing to me, although at times I did fail and have spent the night crying on a friend's shoulder. Still, I dont understand her reaction or her bitterness. She betrayed me and I am the one who gets called names. Maybe it is the fear of my cancer? Maybe she secretly is angry I did not tell her before? I dont know and guess I will never know.

So, what did I learn? I have learned that our friends become pillars of strength that we begin to rely on when we are going through this crisis. Sometimes we do not see that we can place too much of a burden on them. Sometimes we just need to be strong on our own and let them just be friends. I wish she would have said something instead of waiting until it boiled over. The words she used in front of my son and the way she physically attacked me a couple of different times in front of my son make it so that I have to let her go. She is a good person, just not a very strong one. I feel bad that I became too much for her and am sad that I lost someone that dear to me.

Why am I sharing? So that maybe others will learn from my mistake and not put too much of their pain onto their friends. Yes we should be able to count on them, but only for so much.

[Sara]

Wow! What a story. I'm sorry this stuff just keeps piling up on you. i think you are right that friends often can't take all the bad stuff that happens in another person's life, but that is no excuse for disgusting rudeness. She owes you a big apology on many levels.