Once again i thank you for your support. I keep beating dead horses, I know. I am now trying to support everyone around me (family). I know my wife is in there, somewhere, wish i could see her. But I realize the only way for her to get back is to find HER way. the OM is drivning me insane becasue I think he is rationalizing her being away, this from a man who is cutting firewood for his wife and son everyday and who has had affairs on her 3x's in four years. His wife still loves him, she told me so. He is 31, my wife is 46. He ain't that great looking, and I'm told she needs galsses if she thinks he's all that, but I know its emotional, and I know its physical (the affair). I just wish I knew how to trigger her. I know that when she got on with OM, that's what gave her the strength to bolt. She did love me, does love me, and I know she was in love with me prior to this, and not years before, I'm talking a couple of weeks before. I know, I know, can't rationalize with them, not trying. But I am a man whose whole life was breaking his ass for his family, sacrificing his own happiness and joys for his family, mostly his wife. I am having a tough time because I can't seem to want to function without her. So far this is what I got:
Bomb 08/03/08 she tells her friends and her mother before I even know.
I quit drinking on that day. Still dry.
I take control of the finances for the house. bad shape, dig us out and put together a budget.
I take control of my house. I now run and coordinate everything, right down to the laundry.
I am now everything to everyone in the house.
Wearing my hair different, she always liked my hair long, so it is in the midle and longer. Not for her, But I like it.
More aware of my appearance. I am dressing better and more attractively.
I now wear cologne regularly.
I have rearranged furniture.
Have taken care of water damage in my house that has driven her nuts. I called the insurance company, got approval now getting quotes for the reapir.
Taking care of damaged couch. Drove her crazy and me because she never sent in paperwork. I have a 5 year plan for my furniture. they will be out Friday. They will repair or replace.
I have dismantled the pool. No one used it and it is ruining my septic system.
I have picked out my colors to paint my living room and dining room.
I continue to go to my camp and visit friends. I am invited to every party and attend as many as possilbe. I am back to being th epopular guy, and not because my wife bolted.
I have just signed up for country Line dancing lessons on Mondays. I know a couple and my best friend sings in a country band so we are always out at a donce. figure it can't hurt.
I am very lonely at night. I think about us constantly. I pray everynight, every morning and every day. I feel if I walk into church I would just break down and cry.
I have asked everyone to back off any cponversations unless I start them.
My daughters, my son, my friends and family (including hers) are very proud of me and my strength so far. Some is an act, some is real.
In my mind and my faith and my knowing her, I believe I am breaking down certain things. She no longer knows what to expect when she stops by the house. Because I am constantly doing something, like before. not for her, but for me and some because of her. She no longer knows what to expect when we speak. I am not pained when I talk to her, I smile and my conversations are short, not hnaging, not doting and not desperate. Mostly this is an act, but I am getting more real with it.
I am going dark mostly. She usually breaks the ice on that after a few days of no contact. Seeing her crushes me for days. so I avoid it. Her father is having a house warming party for his new house. they asked if I would attand with my W, I said no. It would be too painful for me. I love my father in law very much, as much as my own Dad. he is destroyed by all this. My W won't even talk to him about it, keeps avoiding him. they were very close. If I went, my kids would be around me, she would be on the ouside lookingin and I can't deal with that. Let her have some time without me there, although my kids indicated they wouldn't stay long because I am not there. Can't fill all my minutes enough to not think about it. If I try, it hurts worse because I know I'm lying to myself. I'm sure I'll meet plenty of people on Monday night. the place is close to my hous so I am confident I will no someone there or at least somebody who knows somebody i know. I don't know how your husbnad did it for so long or you without finding someone to take either place. I am not needy right now, and i am definitely not looking any further than my own backyard. But it pains to see her, to know she is with him, to hear her words that its over ringing every now and then. I hold onto my hope and faith as I told you. This is nothing I expected in my life. there is a song by Garth Brooks called " The Dance"
the chorus goes like this
"Our Lives are better left to chance I could've missed the pain, But I'd have had to miss the Dance..."
This song hurts everytime I play it. I always play it. I think most of my strength comes from my pain, does that sound right, even normal? I want to thank you Amy, for your words and hope to continue texting with you....God love you, and hope He watches over me...
