I once described being in my MLC as like being encased in a glass box where I could look out and see my family - where it appeared that I was a part of things - yet I couldn't feel it anymore; the warmth of my family... Especially regarding my husband, my relationship with my kids remained good but I had those pie in the sky justifying thoughts of "if I'm not happy the kids won't be happy so I might as well go off and do what makes me happy" - and that's such a selfish crock of sh*t I can not emphasize it enough!
Nevertheless it is a very true and very strong deception that MLCers fall under. They just do not preceive things as they are. It IS all about what they perceive themselves to be lacking , or to have lacked - it is also about unresolved childhood issues - pick a flavor - mine centered around my dsfunctional relationship with my mother. HOWEVER that does not excuse any of my actions because I knew right from wrong - I just know now how very, very damaging it is for a family to be broken and how very, very important it is to just do the right thing - stay - and seek counseling - anything...to save it...I don't know if anything would have worked - but I know today what did not.
You can't reason with a MLCer. They come around to face all that is the truth in due time. Or they do not. But only they can decide.
And while your wife might have once been a primarily mild-mannered woman - don't underestimate what fighting her way out of an MLC can do - mild-mannered folks don't have less of a shot of coming back than us hell raisers and I did not mean to imply that previously, if I did. I think I'd rather say that the fight just might not be as visible to YOU. Make no mistake though, if she grabs a clue, your wife can survive this and be an even better and stronger woman who loves life and appreciates it - and those that share it with her - more than she ever did before.
