Beauty and the Beast...

[Delil@h]

I dunno besides loving him and not wanting to give up.
I did tell him I am done unless he can prove me otherwise.

[DanceQueen]

I don't think telling him you are done means much to him. You have shown him too many times that you aren't leaving.

I think you still need that girl's weekend away somehow! Where are your sisters, friends, aunts, mother....how can you get to one of them and stay for the weekend to clear your head and decide.

I really think that him proving anything to you doesn't mean anything. What you need to do is decide for yourself: if nothing ever changes from the way it is right now (and you should assume it will not) then are you willing to live like this forever? This is your choice. Forget him proving anything to you. Just think about YOU and make your choice...take your time, it is an important choice.

Can you get away for a weekend?

DQ

[faithisbelieving]

John, Craig, Zack.

Three names were enough for me.

FIB

[ACJ]

Ali. I'm sorry this has happened. Whatever you decide please do it for YOU and your kids not H. He no longer deserves that kind of consideration.

[Strong&Alive]

Ali,

I just had time to catch up on your thread.

I've already told you what I think.

To be healthy, any relationship has to have mutual respect at the core. The respect has to go both ways.

Keep us updated.

Thinking of you.

S&A

[DanceQueen]

Where are you Ali and what is going on...??

DQ

[Delil@h]

I am ok guys, my internet isnt working.
I will update tomorrow!
I am at a cyber cafe.
Love you all

[Cinco]

Ali, I continue keeping you in my prayers. I'm so glad to hear that you are ok. You take care of yourself. I'll look for your update tomorrow.

Cinco

[Delil@h]

I went to another AA meeting last nite......
OK, so it went well. I didnt blow up into a thousand pieces. I made it thru. Tears and tears and more tears.

It helped but it is hard to go thru the pain. The knot in your throat. The Pain of knowing this isnt living it is surviving.
My Dad was an alcoholic too, he still is.
I thought if I was perfect enough he would stop. My love for him would cure him.Tried so hard ,


..........and even harder as an adult. I can be the perfect Wife and then you will love me so very much. If I do everything just right then you will stop drinking too. I try so hard and yet I am not even alive. I am pretending to be alive and pretending it doesnt hurt like hell that you cant love me like you are supposed to.
That I cant fix a damn thing. That God isnt testing me, I am testing myself.
That I have to let go and let go of the pain. Surrender to you and love without expecting anything in return. I try to and the fear turns me around. I resent you for not loving me like you are supposed to and I also do not love you the way I am supposed to b/c of the pain of this 'disease'.
I am going to try to strip down and find out who I really am and be myself around you and let you go.
Love you and yet choose to know that I am mot responsible for your pain and hurt and I can not control what you say do or feel.

I was taught as a little girl if I was perfect enough and quiet enough everything would be ok.
Well I have been quiet and perfect for too long.
I want to be alive and live.


This is going to take awhile and I see now that I am in a lot of pain.
I am tired of it and yet I have to get thru it and stop pushing it down.
I am thoroughly tired of living this way.
But sadly it is all I know to fight for any ounce of love I get.




Also the book How to improve your marriage w/o talking about it?
It is amazing.
I am already using some of what it has taught me.
I am actively trying to love w/o resentment, in the moment.
Breaking old habits seem very easy in black and white but they are not.
Doubt and fear and anger creep in and I want to taint everything I do with husband with them.
then maybe he will change. Wrong.
But loving thru the pain and with integrity and compassion?
IMPROVE ,
APPRECIATE,
CONNECT ,
PROTECT.

I HAVEN'T LOVED ( him ) LIKE THAT SINCE THE DB~ DAYS....

and he hasn't loved me like that in awhile either.

So I am going to keep on and thank you all for your support it is amazing. I really appreciate your support here you all are the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will get better it is just going to take ooooooooooooooooooodddddddddddddddddddles of work.

Alicia

[Strong&Alive]

Ali,

I don't think own commitment, determination and love are not in issue at this point.

You're attending AA and reading more books about marriage. Fine.

But what is HE doing? Is HE stepping up to the plate?

Its good to hear from you again.

S&A