I believe in Miracles

[istherehope]

Hey Daisy,

That's a great idea to schedule a call with Jody actually. I will try to do that.

In terms of why H said that the "marriage may be ending", we were arguing about me not listening, and I made a mistake and said "I am just so confused that I don't know what to do." I REALLY wish I hadn't said that. I also hate how he is trying to be all self-help these days. You should hear the phrases he uses in his IMs, like "you need time for you", or "accept everything will be fine and move on," of course interspersed with the angry outbursts.

So while it was definitely a backslide, ironically we don't seem to make progress without them. As you said each couple is different. I think DBing works slowly with H, like he has noticed changes over a longer period of time, thinks I am strong etc., but when it comes time to decision making, something moving forward (at least in the current living sitch), each time something positive has occurred, it's been after an unpleasant discussion. From this discussion, I have the 2 nights in the house, and he suggested them, not me, based on our budget. I simply said, "I am going to Valencia next week. This is not optional." I am seeing these nights in the house as positive. He may get freaked out, but I am going to avoid R talk like crazy, hang out with the pets, and make light conversation about his school, his work, and how great the house looks, hopefully there will be some sex too ;). In the conversation, to be fair, he did say that he never said we shouldn't try, and that he wanted a few more joint phone sessions. I don't like these anymore as he takes them as the time to vent, but I am willing to try one more time. He even suggested specific dates next week, but I'd rather wait until after this trip so that there may be some more positive memories! I was OK in the house once before during this process, and now I know that he misses me, even if he is often mean, so it can only be better...

I'm proud that I ended the conversation with an apology. I am not sure if I will hear from him again tonight or not. I think he is going out for dinner with coworkers, so it's unlikely. I'm stepping back now and trying to get back some of my dignity!

ITH