Well, my one year anniversary is fast approaching. I'll have been separated for a year, it seems like yesterday that I left...but it isn't. I find myself having some deep and mixed feelings as this date approaches. I realize that I have so much to be thankful for and have had, what can be termed, a successful transition but still, the hurt lingers. After one year the fight to keep my head above water is pretty much done and I stop and think "this is it, this is now my life". In a way this separation feels like a lingering death, there is no tearful farewells, last goodbye's but a R that just lingers on endlessly as we have children to raise together. The other night after trying to take my D to pick something up at her mom's I had a flood of feelings and thoughts as I tried to get to sleep. It's hard to pull into what was MY driveway, find what was MY house locked up like a fortress and know that MY wife is inside being intimate with someone else. Then I drive home to noone who will wrap their arms around me, hold me and let me cry. I'm alone while the W that I loved for 17 years is using OUR home to be with someone else. Hey, it's her place, her right and I know it but emotionally it's difficult even a year later. When does this sh!t end? I know not in one year. I remembered all those years where I sucked up the hurt when my W would go out evenings to be with someone else while I kept desperately trying to save what was left, rebuild it and win her back. I failed. Now, for the past year I have been fighting the good fight, being the good son caring for my father while he battles cancer, being the good Dad, being the good employee, being the responsible, co-operative ex-spouse. I know it's all good but somehow at times still feels so bad. Let year two be one of healing. Later Dbers.
