So I had a discussion w/H last night. Starting w/his anger at me over taking a sick day yesterday. I calmly pointed out that he does not ask me when he takes days off to work on the farm, they are HIS days off. So I am free to use my sick days however I choose.
That must have been something he could relate to (him taking days without getting my permission) b/c he immediately apologized and told me to use the days however I want.
Then we had about a 30 minute convo. regarding our M. I stayed pretty calm which is great for me, a change from other convos. I asked him what his plans were for our M and he said, "I am not done trying, Bobbi, I am not giving up".
I said it appeared that way Saturday, he said he must not remember all he said on Saturday. I told him he said (before our ER trip which may be why he can't remember, he was pretty freaked out!) that he wasn't comfortable in his own home and that we actually discussed him looking for his own place and telling the kids once he found a place....he acted like he didn't remember but I think he just didn't want to remember.
Either way, he said that wasn't the case, he just wanted to be able to relax at home. I told him I understood, that I wanted to relax too. I said that the past two nights the house has been spotless, the kids have been "good",etc. and that if he wasn't able to relax it was an internal problem he would have to sort out on his own...
I went with Woog's "My game, my rules" motto and also said the following:
*Like you, I want to be "happy"
*I know what makes me happy *Taking care of the kids *Teaching (my current job in particular I love) *Spending time with my family *Running *Loving my husband
*I have so much love inside for you, but I MUST be free to share it/show it or I will not be happy with you.
*If you are able to let me love you, you will receive more than you could imagine (he agreed with that), but if you can't I will have to share it with someone else down the road and I feel sorry for you that you will miss out. (yes, I really said that I would feel sorry for him!)
*I need to know that you (H) are going to be there long-term. I cannot and will not live life wondering if this M is going to last, wondering if you will decide to leave again from one day to the next (he agreed)
So then H asked me to come over to the couch. He held me and said he knew all of that was true, he just could't seem to figure out what made HIM happy. Then he said that he always had so much fun with me in the past, and we recalled some favorite memories of fun times together. I told him that once he had the A in '03 I became fearful I would lose him and so I had changed in the way I loved him, and that the "new" me wasn't nearly as appealing. He agreed...I said if he could find a way to get his own life in order he may be more open to loving me and enjoying life with me like he had before...
It is hard to put into words here, but it was basically like that. Then he started kissing me and we went to bed and wink wink. For me actually WINK WINK.
So who knows? I put it out there that I refused to live the way we have been living anymore. I am going to be happy, perky me (I used those words woog!) and he can respond to it, or not. I can't live my life as the "other BBJ" any more.
