STEPPING out...

[cagzmom]

Had to make a descion yesterday that was the "right" one. Funny -- it was a choice and it wasn't the one I wanted to make.

On one hand I had - fun, dancing, newness and possibly more while compromising what I knew in my heart was questionalbe.
On the other hand I had - what is right - standing by my own values and morals.

I chose the latter....

Why does this matter? Because it is an example to me of how EASILY we can be pursuaded... and yes I am thinking of xh. what WOULD BE FUN for a season in the end could end up messing alot of stuff up. He chose option #1 -- doing what he knew in his heart was wrong -- and now look where we are...

[kissak]

Cagz, this is where i have my problem lately. My H has no desire to come back. Its been going on almost 2 years now. I want to wait, but honestly I dont think my h will ever change who he is, on the lying/cheating issue. So, I dont think I could live happily with him now. So even though I feel like I could wait, do I really want to? Do I wait for something that will never be? Im so confused on what to do about things like this...my heart says wait...but my head says go on with your life....the heart is a deceitful thing as it says in the bible...so which do I listen to? These are the toughest decisions for me. Im glad you are staying strong.

Im just rambling I guess...I hope you have a good day!

[cagzmom]

Hi kissak.

I understand where you are. I guess where I am is that we HAVE to move forward - it isn't really a choice. I mean we wake up every morning and we have to "getr done"

It isn't really a descion for you my friend - it is just learning to move on (just like me) knowing that he may not ever come back around and believing in Gods best for us.

That is standing to me. d12 asked me last night if i would take him back if he came around -- i smiled at her and said I would date him of course-- but he can't "come home..." we are divorced. She got it.. I said we would have to date again and start over --- which isn't all bad. AND I said to her -- he needs to want to come back around -- adn right now he doesnt...

(OH AND THE above post from me...I WASNT PERSONALLY going to be doign anything "questionable..." but I would have been condoning it -- and because of that I had to draw my own line with a dear friend. (Girl).

[TRUSTING]

Your nothing but class Cagz.......

You always were and you always will be.

Dating during this mess just complicates things. My heart has not put closure on my sitch. Until that happens, any dating experience is a waste of time. I have to know it is completely over with ex. All I know is that he is in a fog. He is not himself. Other MLC men have come around. He WAS worth fighting for. He could become human again. I will wait until my heart has had closure. I really don't know what that means, but I will feel it in my heart. I hope that makes sense.

Sometimes the best road is the one less traveled.

[cagzmom]

trusting - i TOTALLY understand waht you mean. i have heard it explained by many people..it is like (i guess cause my heart is still on) but I guess it is like a switch. i can't even imagine it...and I like You - dont knwo what to do with all of "this".

i have been thinkin' about the holidays too my friend...just finished up a crappy birthday--- so i know where your mind is going.

thanks for the kudos my friend..

your on my heart -- i need to go spend some time with God cause my mind has been looming crazy circles and research of which does me absolutely no good....causes that heart to go wacko.

wonder where we will be a year from now.... i remember where we both were last year-- and look at us --- we are moving forward whehter we like it or not. =)

[cagzmom]

spinning today ---

[cagzmom]

and spinning --but a little slower again today..............

[cagzmom]

Got some good confirmation of the changes that are happening in me yesterday at counseling. My C adn I talked about some sarcastic words that I had towards xh and his friend the other ngiht...I was truly able to say taht I was being "ME" and not being hurtful.....(it had to do with the Corvette they drove up in and picking up chicks.). It was directed more at his buddy - and I can honestly say it wasnt said in ANY ANGER.

Have had some big awakenings to my part in my marriage split. NOTICE NOT MY XH leaving or his mlc - but my part. and i see it so big now.

i was a pretty angry person for quite awhile...now yes if you want to say why what happened there was stuff (cause it takes 2) that drove me bonkers....and yes x should have told me that my anager drove him bonkers..he didnt...and if I would have known i would have gotten help for it (AND I REALLY CAN SAY THAT because it IS who I am)...anyway....

I have realized that the anger is gone. and i LIKE IT! I have learned to "feel" it and recognize it and learned how to not ACT on it. AND THAT IS wonderful way to live my lfie. My kids see the difference and I knwo the difference INSIDE of me and I like it.

It does make me sad that what x hated in me i also hated. Often i would act WORSE when teh anger came because of shame and guilt and yes PRIDE... X doesn't get to see the person that i have become. =( He will because she is here now to say--- but not like he could have if we would have been togheter.

Also - yesterday i was at the grocery store being my outgoing self and liking it. My d12 and i were walking out and i said.."I like that part of me.." we both smiled and laughed because she likes it too.

this is long i know but just well just me talking.

things haven't changed in that x is still gone (and hasn't been gone long enough --)
i still love teh sorry sucker (HA!)
and i still believe in reconciliation.....

but it isn't stopping me from growing and changing

[CMNM]

Cagz!

Yeah, I still lurk from time to time.

Your post really resonated with me, so I had to pop in here.

It is so funny-- My experiences have been similar, even up to the realization factor. It was yesterday for me that it hit me like a ton of bricks that I am not angry any more. Not only at my Ex, but in general, really. I used to get so upset and over the top with things... frustration turned to yelling in 10 seconds flat for me.
Of all things, I was watching a repeat of "Wife Swap" and I heard the kids from one of the families describe their mother much as my own kids would have described me. Cagz, I sat there and cried for so long. In fact, I cried off and on all day. But, there..its over. Because that is not me anymore.

My second son came home from college this weekend as a surprise. I heard him and my youngest talking about me and all that I do for them. I could hear the love and pride in their voices. It wasn't about me doing the laundry or baking their favorite foods...it was the idea that they can count on me that they were talking about. And, my middle son told his brother that one of his friends told him that day how lucky he is.

So, there you have it. A positive in all of this. I am a better mom and better person since my h decided to bail. I finally have good reason to be really pissed, and nope, I am not angry. Sure, I am sad for so many reasons, and I wish like anything that I could take away the anger from the past, but...like you said, "it takes two," and I will not throw aside my X's role in all of this. No, I am not blaming him...but I do see clearly that I needed something from him that he just could not provide.

So, there you have it.

I was so pleased to read this post from you. I think we are traveling on the same path. And, just like you, my relationship with my kids has benefitted enormously.

Now, if my X would just leave me alone...well, maybe I could move on! But, that's a whole other story!

Have a wonderful fall day, Cagz! I am sooooo impressed with how far you have come in such a short amount of time.

Hugs,
Pam

[cagzmom]

Thanks Pam and I am glad to see you here.

i have wondered about you - remember that your xh was much like mine (passive) and thinking about how he "hangs" around now. THEN I look at the time line....it takes forever doesn't it.

Been thinking about that alot lately. My XH has not been gone long enough (trusting said that in a post to me not to long ago). It has only really been a year since he REALLY bailed and decided not to have relationship with me/kids at all. Since then he has slowly gone further and further away. shoot -- his new job now only allows for Sunday visits and he is only doing every/other weekend. AND I am SURE he misses her -- but the interesting thing about someone in MLC they dont miss them enough.

My xh is into the hiding --- he is kind and funny when he shows up -- but I see the misery in his face, his eyes are dead. By being away and not having any time with d12 he is allowed to continue being single.....you know the freedom that they sought so strongly when tehy left..TO BE FREE- NO RESPONSIBILITY...and that is the life that he is living now.. FREE.

My life? Trying really hard to try and figure out how to get my OWN life--- I LIKE what is happening in me. I LIKE how I am growing and like how my old free self is coming back. i like my sense of humor being alive again, my laughter and my outgoing spirit..it is ALIVE again FINALLY and I missed her.


And again the angry me-man oh man am I glad she is dead. BECAUSE she is. My kids - they too have seen the difference. I hope that they will learn by my example to work through their "Stuff" as they grow up - even though it is tough. (sure alot harder than running you know? BUT after almost 2 years of counseling --and I am still going it is well worth it!!) I am so thankful for my ultimate Conselor (God) and his facilitator in my life my c.