JUST USED LRT-WHAT DO I DO NOW???

[Sanderika]

Hello, Barb, Trip and Karen....

I wondered wher Barb had gone off too...I thought maybe she was travelling. What happened?

Please let her know that I am greatful she is reaching out to me through you both.

My story is written out in the following threads by me since 7/6/08. I didn't discover this website until the end of June.

Newcomers....Check in here
HELP - H in MLC 3 Years and Counting!!!
3 Yrs with H in MLC - Feeling Powerless Now
JUST USED LRT - WHAT DO I DO NOW???

I have been through H*LL in the last 37.5 months. I am tired, scared and unhappy. My sister says I wear my unhappiness on my face. She says I look tired, face looks droopy in sadness. She means well, I feel what she is describing. She wants this to end for me one way or another and now. My girlfriends are all very supportive but want this to end as well.

The fact is my H and I have been through so much in our lives together and we have always been able to rise above adversity and turmoil and come out still standing with plenty of energy to keep moving forward together. I am crying.....

It is fact my H has OW that is causing the confusion. OW is not going to let him go. H is torn emotionally between us both. While I do not understand what he sees in her, I can understand that he must love her because she is able to hang on to him and keep him from coming home to us. When H left me, I agree with you all that H had emotionally checked out from us. OW was there and available as a replacement. H has not been alone.

What is so troubling is that H gives OW way more attention than he gives us. I want to let her push him into something he doesn't really want. BUT, he is allowing her. I, ON THE OTHER HAND, can always get H to change his mind. One look at me will make H do that....BUT, for how long. If this is true, H will stop coming by once he figures this out.

I am rambling.....so sorry.

H said I want you to remember what I said before...I can always dismiss the divorce whenever I want. He said I am going to keep that in my mind.

At one point H looked at me and said...you know I haven't changed. I said I know and I have never asked you to. I said I won't ask you to. H said I need to change....I said you will change when you are ready and want to. I changed because I had to 3 years ago...Once I decided to change I wanted to so I did. Because I like my changes and who I am I am able to stay and keep them. I told H that I changed for the better and got "me" back. In getting me back I was able to see the things in my life that were the most important to me and I told him he was on the top of the list. I said that it brought me back to my roots and beginning...and love for you and my marriage and life is what is in my heart. I love you with all my heart.

H was worried if he goes through with the filing and then changes his mind would I be here for him. I told him that I currently had no plans to meet another and that I did not know what the future would bring if he files. He asked me what would happen if he wanted to come home and I was with someone else and didn't want him back, I said it would depend on if I was in love with someone else. If I was he would be the one fighting to get me back. H shook his head in agreement.

It is clear that the OW is pushing. It is clear that H is confused. It is clear that I am a safe haven for H, he knows and feels it. It is clear that H still has feeling for me.

It is unclear what kind of hold OW has on H. It is unclear which way this will turn. It is unclear how H really feels about the OW. It is unclear where H is in this MLC thing.

I was awake at 1:15 this am. I could not sleep well. I kept waking up in anxiety with heart racing and adrenalin rushing into my head.

I want to tell H this......

D**** I married you because I love you and want you as my life partner. I did not marry you to end up in a divorce. We dated for 5 years and we were sure that marriage is what we wanted. We married for better or worse, I have always stood by you and I am still standing here today. I am here for you and we can overcome this by having learned that we cannot ever take each other for granted again. With this in mind we can only grow close again by touching and sharing and communicating with more maturity and understanding for each other.

Like a few minutes ago....I am rambling....I am sorry.

My head is spinning with thoughts...I am very emotional. A girlfriend just checked in on me and I broke down in tears. She said to stop letting H tug me around. Stop H from controlling you. I DON'T SEE IT THIS WAY. I SEE MYSELF AS STANDING BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT I WANT. She said H knows I will do whatever he asks and that he knows if it doesn't work out with OW that he can come back to me...she said let him go down the road with the OW...it's not greener grass it's the same problems just in a different yard. I AM GOING TO LET H CALL AND ASK ME TO SIGN THE PAPERS. WHAT WILL I DO WHEN HE DOES?????

I will go for now, my head aches....

Thank you all.....Sanderika