I believe in Miracles

[istherehope]

Hi,

Just checking in with everyone this morning.

My heart is really breaking for Jen, and it feels kind of weird right now to post about other things.

It does serve to put things in perspective, the fact that each interaction could be the last one, so I need to remember to avoid anger and resentment, always.

I didn't hear from H again last night, nor this morning. I think he's just arriving to Portugal for a business trip. I hope that he will reach out today. I couldn't sleep last night because I have been agonizing over my next steps. I truly believe that I will get a sign about what to do next, but I am still waiting...I have pretty much 2 weeks exactly, and I am out of 180s that I can do from here, or so it feels anyway.

I have 2 ideas, barring an unexpected move from H, that COULD have an impact and I'd like to get feedback on them; they could be done in tandem or separately. Both are a bit risky, but I'm lacking any better ideas.

The first one is regarding a potential business trip to Spain next week. While H was living in his uninformed reality, he said that I couldn't go on this trip because of the cost of the hotel in Dublin. This is annoying because obviously I could stay for free at OUR house, but I will not bring this up. Basically I will need to fly through Dublin, and have 1 night on either side of the trip. These 2 nights happen to fall on his school nights, meaning that he won't be home until about 11 PM these nights. So I was thinking to send a short, polite email saying that I've learned the conference is not optional, and need to go. I will be in Dublin on X dates, but as I know he has class those nights, we won't see each other. He can then choose to respond and say he wants to see me, or potentially use this as a springboard for freaking out about money again...that's the potential downside, but I feel that we need to be transparent with the budget. Now if I do this, I will send the email tomorrow, meaning 1 week exactly since Good H has made an appearance. It will be my first provocative move...The other thing it could do is show him that I am OK with not seeing him, or even make him think that I'm not that interested in seeing him...

Next idea...I've told you all that H is Jewish, in that sort of more obsessive way that someone is religious when he converts later in life. It means a LOT to him, and is something that historically I hadn't been as supportive of as I should have been. He appreciated the New Years email. That worked and got a very positive response. Now next Thursday is Yom Kippur, which is the day of atonement. It is supposed to be an opportunity to apologize to people who you have wronged, to atone...So I was thinking of sending an email apologizing for the things that I have done to get us to the place where we are at now, and to ask for forgiveness. This would show that I am taking the religious aspect more seriously, and also show that I am thinking about my own contributions to the damaged relationship. I know this needs to be done very carefully though. I know letters are usually bad, but this would be tied directly to something that is very important to him. The possible upside there too would be that I would likely be in Dublin when he read the email, so he would have the chance to really reach out in response IF he wanted to, but he would also know that I have not asked to see him there. I thought in this letter I could focus on myself and what I've learned about why I acted in the way that I did, and tell him what I am doing now, but NOT ask for anything except for forgiveness.

So those are my ideas for the moment.

I'm sort of stuck as to others, unless anyone has any suggestions.

ITH