good to hear from you. Today, my ex and I went spent some time together going over her finance and working on a budget for her. Afterward, she asked if we could go for a drive and we simply drove around town for about 2 hours, with me mainly doing the listening - she was basically worried about her finances and her situation. She was telling me that she feels like she has no where to go since she can't afford a place on her own and that her getting a place with her best friend is the only way she can bring some stability to our daughter as far as living conditions go. It was a really nice drive and I was thankful for the opportunity to just listen.
On a scale from 1-10, hmm... well, if 10 is being married, happy and together at last, I would say we are at a 6 or 7 maybe. Number 8 for me is when she tells me she wants to start working on the relationship again and 9 is when we've made lots of progress in our relationship,but have not taken that step of marriage.
Right now, we are becoming good friends again. She is slowly beginning to build trust in me, but I'm sure her thinking anything about our relationship is far from her mind right. And that's okay for now. I want her to be able to tell me anything and everything without feeling like she has to step on eggs because of my feelings for her. Although it is hard sometimes, I have not given in to my emotions when I am with her - although I do cry sometimes when I'm alone.
I like what you said about quiet confidence and not being over needy. That is a tough at times. Maybe not so much being needy as it is appearing to be pushy. Her birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and last month she mentioned several times that she wanted to go to a very fancy, particular restaurant - she didn't specifically mentioned for her birthday, but that she would like to go. So she asked me yesterday if I was going to take her to that restaurant for her birthday and I told her yes. It is so tempting to go all out on that day, but you are right - no overly needy or pushy.
How can I pull it up half a point? At this point, I don't think I could do much to bring it up half a point. I think only time and consistency with DBing is going to do that for me. That said, I need to continue to focus on myself (exercising, taking care of my emotions, well-being, etc) and being consistent with the way I treat her with that quiet confidence you talked about.
This is going to be very long journey, but I'm thankful for such a supportive group.
I'm not going to give you a 2x4 - maybe a 1x3? That's great that she's confiding in you. Make sure you aren't simply supporting her justifications. Don't walk on eggshells. She isn't, but it sounds like you are. Is getting a place with a live-in friend really providing stability? If they aren't together and she starts dating again, that'd mean D has 3 men in her life. Doesn't sound all that stable to me.
I don't want to insert negativity into something positive, but I don't think you should be a doormat or walk on eggshells. Think through what's going on and what the best course of action is and be true to yourself.
Of course, I don't really know what's going on in your sitch and this may not be applicable. But I hope it's useful. lodo
you can hit me with a 2x4 anytime. About the eggshell part, I was mainly referring to me not being about to bring up the relationship topic or tell her how I feel. I still miss her badly at night (although I am starting to have more "normal" nights - but its still tough). Other than the relationship topic, I do feel like I can talk to my ex about most topics.
That said, I agree with your point about my daughter having three men in her life - that definitely isn't stability for me. But I feel like I have no choice in the matter but to deal with the situation I'm dealt with. In the very beginning, when my ex started to talk about buying a house with her friend, I protested with her to not do it and tried to justify my reasons to her. I only pushed her away. Now she has gotten to a point where she asks me about my opinion about the housing situation - but she still feels like buying the house with her friend is the only solution. Looking at her finances today, I can tell you for sure that she couldn't get a place on her own. In fact, her friend will be paying something like 80% of the mortgage/bills. But she is starting to tell me that she is looking at this more of an investment rather than a long term solution - but who knows. Today she was telling me that she wish she could get something on her own but she just can't afford it and feels like she can't provide for our own daughter to put a roof over her head.
I am trying to validate her feelings without supporting her justifications. I guess there is a thin line between the two. I don't think she is trying make me into a doormat, but it is hard not to feel like one sometimes - but nothing she is necessarily doing. For example, today she told me that she feels like she has no where to run to and I so desperately wanted to tell her that she could run to me. So statements like that do remind me of what I did, but it is not because she is driving the issue or trying to remind me of what I did.
Lodo, anything you say is useful. I'm still exercising.
You don't have any choice, but you still need to be a father to your D. You are an equal part of her life. If friend is putting up 80%, what is he getting out of the deal? If she's only paying 20%, that is not an investment. Her friend will have the investment.
It sounded like you were willing to put in money. If she feels she can't afford to put a roof over your daughter's head, would you be willing to help provide that? Owning a house isn't the only option.
I'm just saying - you're a parent and have a stake in your D's best interest too. It sounds like the two of you might need to do a little less walking on eggshells and a little more discussing the specifics of how this will realistically work for the benefit of D.
It'll be painful, because that discussion will have to take place under the auspices of "We're D'ed" rather than "I want you back," but deal with the business first and the trust will follow. It's already begun, right?
lodo
PS - glad you're still exercising. Helps to take out aggression, calm the mind, keep yourself in shape, etc. I just started doing bikram yoga - sweat like crazy but boy do you leave feeling great!
"On a scale from 1-10, hmm... well, if 10 is being married, happy and together at last, I would say we are at a 6 or 7 maybe. Number 8 for me is when she tells me she wants to start working on the relationship again and 9 is when we've made lots of progress in our relationship,but have not taken that step of marriage."
LNMW, I hate to say it, but you seem a bit over optimistic to me. That is not to be discouraging, only that perhaps you are making an assessment that is not even close to what she would say. What do you think she would say? I mean, I would put anything above a 5 as including a friendship, sex, affection, attraction, and probably living together. Perhaps a 3.5, given that the feelings for beyond friendship are not reciprocal now?
I would give my marriage/relationship a zero, I think, given H's lack of interest. This is actally an improvement, when I had things in negative numbers for a while. They improved when I began to cut off contact w/H. I decided that having self-respectand boundaries was important and I told him not to come around the house any more except to drop off D.
I
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Thanks for replying. As far as the 1-10 scale goes, I'm not much of a numbers person (even though I am an economist, go figure) - but in short, we get a long but no affection. She calls me by my pet name a lot and is starting to use the "we" phase more often. She is starting to confide in me more but still has trust issues and maybe some resentment. So whatever that is, that's where I am today.
Well, yesterday she got the contract going with the seller for a loft. All that is left to do is an inspection, get a closing date and she/her friend are in a new place. Today she was telling me that what she likes about the place is that the place is like two homes in one - so she can have you part of the loft and her friend can have the second part.
I am putting money in as far the closing costs are concern. As much as I don't like it - my daughter will always have that connection to her best friend simply because he was there when I wasn't. So there are two men in her life. If my wife ever started to date, then there would be three men in her life and I don't think there is much I can do to stop that. Unfortunately, that is the price of my neglect.
The only thing I can do right now is focus on myself and demonstrate to her that I truly do care about her and my daughter. Today I had to miss work because my daughter was sick and my ex was thankful. I am really glad that I had that opportunity (not that I want my daughter to be sick or anything).
Odd thing, today my ex called me up while she was at work and started to ask me about the type of food the fancy restaurant I am taking her to for her birthday has. She then said, "you know you have to all out for my birthday with flowers, balloons and gifts since its a special event" (she turns 30 - she beat me by one month). Don't know what to make of that - but I will see how she is feeling when her birthday draws near. Any thoughts on that? I am very tempted to follow her suggestion, but again I don't want to be pushy.
Although I see some progress, there are still plenty of days/times when I feel that I've made no progress at all. But I know this is going to take a lot of patience on my end. I haven't been talking to her much at night like I use to. We use to talk almost even night before bed - but then again I wasn't see her as much either since I wasn't picking up my daughter from daycare until recently. But I've been good with not calling her although I am so tempted and letting her do the initiating.
She then said, "you know you have to all out for my birthday with flowers, balloons and gifts since its a special event" (she turns 30 - she beat me by one month). Don't know what to make of that - but I will see how she is feeling when her birthday draws near. Any thoughts on that?
If you want to gain her friendship, treat her like a friend. Would you try to make a good friend feel special on their 30th? get them something you knew they wanted?
Would you try to make a good friend feel special on their 30th? get them something you knew they wanted?
Yes and yes. I know that her 30th means a lot to her and I am thankful that she is even letting take her out on that day - especially this particular restaurant that neither of us have been to (although my co-workers all tell me that it is definitely one of the best in town). I got very excited when she told me that and I really do want to go all out with the flowers, balloons, chocolates, etc. There is a particular necklace that she has always wanted for the last two years and she even eluded to it last month. So I am thinking about getting her that for her birthday. Her birthday is three weeks away, so I will have to see what mood she is in as far as the "all out" portion goes, but I'm hoping I still feel like I have the okay to do it (although without the lovely dovely stuff).
Just be aware you're treading on dangerous ground. I never figured this one out. My XW still wants to be friends and says she doesn't talk to anyone like she does to me. Meaning, I provide a need and as long as I'm there for her, she's free to do what she wants. When I'm not, she's left with her own actions to consider.
My sitch is different, though. My W had A and is probably still in an EA at least with OM. Maybe not but who knows. She walked out on me. So ... I feel justified in shutting off the friendship option and concentrating on myself. You're in the opposite position, so probably need to work towards friendship and support. Work hard - at least for D if nothing else.
