I can not believe someone would get upset over this. H should be worried about your son's health and happy that you are handling the situation ...not giving you a hard time because you took your second of ten sick days to take care of your son!!! Wow, is this normal behaviour for him (i mean pre bomb days)? No wonder he is stressed out....WTF?
Hang in there BBJ....as far as I am concerned you did everything right.
My thought is that my H is floundering in general, not just in relation to me. He has admitted as much. It is not about me. He can't seem to be able to "just be happy". His words, on more than one occasion.
I think (I know, don't assume, but bear with me) he tries to control everything around him in the hopes that having a sense of control will help him feel "happy", b/c feeling out of control obviously does NOT make him happy.
So he was bent out of shape today b/c I didn't see things his way and he wanted to be able to run the show. I screwed up by caving and giving S6 to my FIL. But I could tell by H's demeanor when I called to tell him I was taking S to FIL, that he knew he was wrong. I said, "I took S to FIL but I still don't believe this was an issue worth getting mad about". He said, "Ok, I am just really crazed and stressed at work right now and we can talk later". That is as close to sorry as it gets, usually....
Maybe he also thought that since you called FIL and H (albeit left him a message) that you were asking for his imput on the situation and was frustrated that you didn't take his advice.
Hee-- even DBers are guilty of that one! My thought, when reading the sitch was exactly what you wrote above, fwiw.
He went to IC for about a month (3-4 visits). IC is the one who convinced him to cut ties w/OW completely. But then he started getting sent to Idaho or Canada for 3 days a week the past 4 weeks, so he stopped going. He has said that he needs to start going again but he hasn't. Sunday night he was adamant that no matter what, he will NOT go on anti-depressants...
I don't care if he does or doesn't take the meds. I just want him to wake up and figure out that hardly anyone has an awesome, picture-perfect life no matter what it looks like on TV or in magazines. Whenever we see someone with a big house, nice new cars, etc. I think to myself, "Wow I wonder if they are sinking in debt", whereas he thinks "Life isn't fair why can't I have that too?"
So anyway, all I can do is live my life. I can't make him live it with me. I won't chase him away, but I won't drag him along, either. I am just wondering how it will go tonight after our "issues" this morning....
Your H needs the IC for his own physical health - the stress and anger of not being able to control everything has a good chance of giving him a heart attack by the time he is 40.
H doesn't "exercise", but he does work on the farm almost every day. So there is heavy lifting, exertion, etc. He just order this P90X I think it is called, it is a workout system he saw on TV. He was going to the YMCA in Omaha on his lunch hour, but I don't think he does anymore...
Exercising is how I went OFF my Anti-Depressants. The more I excercise, the less I have mood swings. Don't tell Tom Cruise but I think he was partially right about that...
I do think H needs to go back to IC. I will tell him that, but remember how much he likes to be told what to do....
Actually, H needed my help about 90 minutes ago. He got off work to go in and register his truck, as the plates expire today. He got there and found out Iowa requires my signature too since we have the truck in both of our names...So he called me at school and asked me to come up and help him. I went up and signed the forms and we both got our drivers' licenses and registered to vote. Then he went out to do chores and I went out to pick up S from FILs and D from daycare. Now we are at home (kids and I) as I prep for making dinner and the kids are playing around.
I know his moods aren't about me, but his mood probably does affect the way he views me. Not anything I can change. But when he is in a good or at least even mood he is just fine (sometimes lots of fun) around me. When he is in a funk he is impossible to be around. I know, we are all like that to a certain extent but he has been swinging back and forth lately from one end to the other.
Off to cook dinner, wish me luck! Trying a new pork chop marinade. Exciting times around here...
Don't make it about telling him what to do. Tell him what you need to feel he is serious about the marriage and his family. It's all in the way you say it.
So I had a discussion w/H last night. Starting w/his anger at me over taking a sick day yesterday. I calmly pointed out that he does not ask me when he takes days off to work on the farm, they are HIS days off. So I am free to use my sick days however I choose.
That must have been something he could relate to (him taking days without getting my permission) b/c he immediately apologized and told me to use the days however I want.
Then we had about a 30 minute convo. regarding our M. I stayed pretty calm which is great for me, a change from other convos. I asked him what his plans were for our M and he said, "I am not done trying, Bobbi, I am not giving up".
I said it appeared that way Saturday, he said he must not remember all he said on Saturday. I told him he said (before our ER trip which may be why he can't remember, he was pretty freaked out!) that he wasn't comfortable in his own home and that we actually discussed him looking for his own place and telling the kids once he found a place....he acted like he didn't remember but I think he just didn't want to remember.
Either way, he said that wasn't the case, he just wanted to be able to relax at home. I told him I understood, that I wanted to relax too. I said that the past two nights the house has been spotless, the kids have been "good",etc. and that if he wasn't able to relax it was an internal problem he would have to sort out on his own...
I went with Woog's "My game, my rules" motto and also said the following:
*Like you, I want to be "happy"
*I know what makes me happy *Taking care of the kids *Teaching (my current job in particular I love) *Spending time with my family *Running *Loving my husband
*I have so much love inside for you, but I MUST be free to share it/show it or I will not be happy with you.
*If you are able to let me love you, you will receive more than you could imagine (he agreed with that), but if you can't I will have to share it with someone else down the road and I feel sorry for you that you will miss out. (yes, I really said that I would feel sorry for him!)
*I need to know that you (H) are going to be there long-term. I cannot and will not live life wondering if this M is going to last, wondering if you will decide to leave again from one day to the next (he agreed)
So then H asked me to come over to the couch. He held me and said he knew all of that was true, he just could't seem to figure out what made HIM happy. Then he said that he always had so much fun with me in the past, and we recalled some favorite memories of fun times together. I told him that once he had the A in '03 I became fearful I would lose him and so I had changed in the way I loved him, and that the "new" me wasn't nearly as appealing. He agreed...I said if he could find a way to get his own life in order he may be more open to loving me and enjoying life with me like he had before...
It is hard to put into words here, but it was basically like that. Then he started kissing me and we went to bed and wink wink. For me actually WINK WINK.
So who knows? I put it out there that I refused to live the way we have been living anymore. I am going to be happy, perky me (I used those words woog!) and he can respond to it, or not. I can't live my life as the "other BBJ" any more.
