Moving her from Newbees

[optimistwife]

Well, initially after he left, for a few weeks even though he was gone- when he came over we acted like nothing had happened (at least he did). Okay- we only saw each other a few times- but it actually was a bit better than previous- cause I think a huge weight was off his back by finally leaving (transferred onto mine).

Then- he went cold. We still talked, and for about a month when he did visit it was weird. It was really hard to DB during this time. I thought for sure he must be getting ready to file. Okay- he wasn't- but I think the reality of what he had done had hit him.

Just when I thought things were all bad- the end of August he started to move into friendship stage- for real I belive. He started to call a lot to just talk. Also started coming over more- but the bad part is he would come to camp at the house- which DB coach (also Jody) says is bad. It gave us a lot more time together- and it was during these longer stretches (a day or two) that he started doing some little things- more real hug- kisses moving a bit closer to the lips- one morning fooled around a little in bed- next visit a bit more.... But as Jody says this is probably moving too fast and we are slipping into some of the same roles that we had prior to him leaving that were bad. I was always being available- not allowing more of a chase, mystique. Hard to do when you want them to love you sooo bad!

My H idea of a good time is going to a movie, pizza or watching a video at home. I would prefer to keep our dates 'out of house' as when at home he tends to slip into old roles- falls asleep on couch, spends all time on computer- really no face to face time for us. When out- it is more like dating. We have to interact.

My husband was very flirty during our marriage- lots of PDAs, holding hands, would kiss in public. Very different than me/how I was raised- but I love it. I know when this returns that this will be him acting comfortable with R.

I think trying to be playful and acting like kids is good. I am trying to do this more- my H is a big kid at heart- one of the things that made me fall in love- then one of the things that bugged the crap out of me- now one of the things I miss! I am trying to do more gentle teasing, flirty type stuff- also recommended by DB.

I have had hard time to get H to do stuff with me. He is spending excessive hours in his last year of prof. school. He has sore back, tired, eating bad, gaining weight, I think depressed (has been for a while) and I would guess this whole thing is treating him worse than me. I look great- am going to gym regularly, have hobbies I am excelling at, took up bike riding, (planning on swimming- triathelon?), have a great support system, and just got back from Mexico on vacation.

The few times I have asked him to do other stuff (bike, go to park) he has turned me down. Oh well. Will keep on trying.

I don't think the grass is greener over there. But mine is taking on a lovely shade! I hope this is all not lost on him. I also have that eternal fear of him deciding I am doing too well and don't want him...

Okay- long post- but my advice is NOT to make the romantic move. It hurts to get shot down. Come to think about it- ours have come after little bumps in the road, where I have been hurt from statements- opened up a little, and he has reached out to reassure. But I am a believer that it has to be on their timeline!