Trying2live- the new post 1

[Trying2live]

Ok Ya'll. I am going nuts. It has been a whirlwind! So I tell the H on Saturday that yes he can come over and clean the air filter and check the brakes BUT that I would like him to know how I feel about it. I nice and calmly say that its a very thoughtful gesture but that he wants to come work on the car and then go crawl into be with the OW at the end of the day. I say I don't want my car worked on I want my marriage and H. I say that I should probably learn how to get my and do these things on my own as this is what I would have to do if we were divorced as divorced individuals usually don't pal around like friends. I tell him that he wanted out and that's fine but that I am left to pick up the pieces and all I have is my self respect. He blows up goes into a fit or rage cusses me out and hangs up.

So then he texts D17 last night saying he wasn't invited to Disneyland for S9 bday and he's willing to look past everything for the day. I'm sorry but I am not.
And a few reasons why and here they are. One he needs to know what a D is really going to be like. We would be splitting our time with kids during bdays. He has always looked down at me and his view of me is this: weak, needy and stupid. He never outright said it, but times I would say to him,"ya know I'm not stupid I happen to be very intelligent". Why would I feel the need to say that. It's like he said it without saying it. Whether or not this marriage can be restored or not he must change the way he views me and that can only happen, I feel, if i set these boundaries for myself. I don't know I could be wrong.
You guys know I married my 8th grade boyfriend. Well guess what he cheated on me in the 10th grade. Dumb me should have taken that as a clue, but interestingly enough he said to me he didn't want to break up with either of us he wanted both of us. I can't have him think that's me. In dr. Dobsons' book Love Must be Tough(totally on Affairs) he states that if you appease these betrayers by doing what they want that in his numerous years of experience you doom it to fail for sure and that he has seen when a stand is made that had better odds and a chance at reconciliation.
Anyways welcome to the new Trying2Live new post 1 at least til we hit a 100 girls....So how be it. Feel nuts over the last few days.
How are ya hope. so glad exposure happens. Reality baby! It's good. I know your getting close one more day. How ya holding up.
Hows everyone else Jgrind, twinhope, marisol??

[marisol35]

Hey T2L!!

Found the new post!

Wow! You definitely told him! Good for you!! How did it feel afterwards? I believe you had a good point to make in that you would have to take care of these things as if you were D and for him to try to be 'nice' but then go home to someone else is wrong because you are still technically married!!!

After I took the truck from my H, it did feel good because he was eating the cake! Letting the OW drive it, him not have to worry about making a car payment, pay car insurance, he had no worries! Then I took it and he was scrambling to get a car, now he has a car payment, insurance, and I'm sure the OW is looking at him like why can't he get his $rap together!!

The strength within us all is building every day that passes. Our focus must continue to be on ourselves and our children. The more we stand our ground the more they will see us in a new light. We have to hold on to that light no matter what. If our H's come back or not, that light is our lifeline. It is our new life and we cannot look back into the darkness behind us. It is this light in front of us that will keep us moving, keep us going, keep us focused on what is right, powerful, and true.

As much as our H's have hurt us, our love for them is unconditional. I have been praying every day even though I am on the road to D. I have been saying the hedge of thorns prayer every day before work and at night and I am telling you all small things have been changing. It is almost as if it is a sign. It is still too early to tell for me. Although I know if I were to take him back many of my family and friends would be very disappointed in me. That makes it difficult. I worry for my daughter as well. She has also been through so much pain, I could not bare to have her be hurt again if he were to do this yet again to me. This is where my uncertainty lies.

I am just taking it day by day asking God to show me the right way to go.

I pray for all of you too....

[hope3343]

{{{{{group hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Well hello new thread. I am not the brave DBer these past couple days. I am crying, sniffling, crying. H leaves wednesday, and I am falling apart. it is so stupid that he is leaving. Leaving us. He has been sad but still leaving. It makes no sense, why won't he stay and work on this. Also I asked him to watch D on friday since I was invited out with some new friends to go watch an Irish band (GAL), and H tells me I can't because I am going away Friday night to saturday by myself to get away. So I say well why would you need to get away since you are moving anyway? I started crying saying you must be going away to celebrate leaving me. What a mess I am.
As far as exposure, I do think that it has tainted the A a bit. H knows both of his Ds will never accept the OW under any circumstance. H asked me again what his SIL said. I told him, I told her the truth. He is worried. I am praying it will put some pressure on OW and maybe they will start fighting. I can only hope. So my friends, I will be on my own starting Wed. Can't imagine. As I type this H is working in the garage re-arranging things and putting furniture back out after the bad weather. I think he is appeasing his guilt doing man things.

Now T2L, I guess it is a man thing wanting to do stuff. I am glad you told H thank you. I agree with much you say about showing how it would be if you got D'd and letting H see. I think that is a good 180. These OW are really driving us all crazy. Soon things have to start cracking with them. You know how it is in the beginning a new R, so nice and wonderful then that first fight comes. That is what I am waiting for. I tried to put a few chips into the relationship with things that I said (such as losing your job with this R), just enough to make H worry, so I hope the OW starts feeling some of this pain also. Also I notice that your H is starting to be around more and being more active. I would take this as a positive.

Marisol, you have been stronger and stronger every day. You are doing well. It is difficult just trying to change things ourselves. Sometimes it gets overwhelming hanging on. I have to tell myself the faster H gets out on his own, the faster he will return. Look it is already over a month with your H's A. There will be some problems popping up soon. It is the nature of a 21 year old to have drama in their live. Be patient. I also love the hedge of thorns. What a great prayer. Even though I am being so emotional these last 2 days, I am preparing for when H leaves what i am going to do. Remember goals -- I am going to make a game room for d instead of our messy office. I am going to put some new pictures up and go through old pictures. I want the house to look great so H will have regrets.
baby steps girls.

[TxMomw/2girls]

T2L -

Ok I read your post over the weekend but didn't have time to respond.... I thought a lot about what you said. I'm so glad you stood your ground.. it is so hard to decided which is the right way. But I do agree that if they don't feel the effects of D and how it will be they will continue to have there cake and eat it too....


Until we are done in our hearts, we then can make decisions on how friendly we would like it to be but until then we need to stand strong.

I have juggle with two rules of thought... one be nice, let them come over, maybe they'll see what they are missing... but then at least in my shoes, he is in the heat of his A this wouldn't make him miss anything..he needs to miss his kids, not be able to just stop by to pick up his golf clubs and kiss his girls - ... it is hard I have such young babies that I also need his help or somedays I'm going crazy...

I'm going 5 weeks since the bomb and he moved out last Monday... staying with the OW as this is easy and fun I'm sure... he hasn't done one thing to get his own place, call a guy friend to crash... nothing. So my friend over the weekend said the same thing you said T2L ... don't let him come see his kids and get his "family" fix and then off back to the OW house... he needs to feel the full repsonsiblity of having the kids for a whole weekend or whole night not just a few short hours. Just how it would be if we were D.

So I told him that I would like him to watch the girls this Saturday until Sunday as I have tennis match this Saturday morning... then I asked on separate email if he'd be in his appartment by then... I'm sure if I hadn't mentioned this he would have thought he could come to the house and stay here with them. Not happening... So when we talked today he said he called a few places and would be looking at them this week and he thought he'd be in a place by Saturday.. he better ....

Marisol - nice to see your H is seeing a 21yr old... what the $ell??? My H is with a 25 yr old... I'm sorry you are down the D road already.

I do ask myself everyday... could I really take a man back that has abbandoned me and my kids... I am in my mind moving on and trying day by day to get stronger - we'll see how long I can hope and hold on..

I continue to pray for all of us... I'm proud of you T2L for holding strong... and thanks for all the disclosure info on my thread...

[twinhope]

Hi All,

I have been reading the posts and other threads and I know we have said this before but all of our situations are very similar. The things that our H's say seems to be so scripted as if they are reading a book "How to have and Affair" by dumb a$$ men! It is just so wild that they all say alot of the same things. With that I know exactly how you feel TxMom about wanting to take back someone that has left us and our kids, but what does give me hope is reading all of these posts and seeing that I am not alone. Maybe that is not right but even though our S have choices and they are making very bad ones at that, they are struggling themselves. They really must be have some inner struggles to be doing and saying the things that they are. It is very sad and sometimes I feel very sorry for my H. Then I slap myself in the face and say he needs to wake up and get a grip.

T2L- Thanks for starting the new thread. I think you did great setting boundries. They do need to see what it will be like if we are D. They are going to get angry and act like children but we need to hold firm. They like us the way they want it and if we put our foot down they see they no longer have control over us and they don't like it at all!

Marisol- I am glad that you are seeing small changes. Everything you said about keeping strong is true regardless of the outcome. I know that our friends and family will be not be happy if we take our H's back, but remember this is your life and you need to do what makes you happy! I believe in saving my M and all of us do or we would not be here. We all support you and if you want your M it is ok to fight for it and love your H unconditionally. No family member or friend knows what we are going through unless they have gone through it themselves.

Hope- I am so sorry that the move is happening. I know how difficult it is. Stay strong and do your DB, easier said than done. You are already taking GAL by going out with new friends. I have asked my H a few times to watch my D's on a night that he does not have them and he has told me both times he already has plans. It must be nice to not have any responsibility and do whatever you want. Once again this must be another great idea from the "book" they are reading!

TxMom- I have no idea what is wrong with our these men. My H's OW is 21! He brings her around my D's. I can't stand this but I really hope my girls give her a hard time to really see what she is getting into. Yes, they are cute and all but they don't just visit they are always going to be around. What type of woman would want to date a married man with children. We need to pray for these OW as well. They need help themselves!

Everyone hold strong, be patient, and I will pray for all of us here!

[hope3343]

Hi All, thanks for all of the support, Tomorrow is moving day. I was sad/crying last night, my D28 called me a few times and D15 came and sat with me. H was working in the garage, yard, etc. trying to work off some guilt. I really feel if this OW was not in the picture we would have a chance. I told H this morning if he was unhappy and wanted to split ok so be it but because of this A and all the time spent lying and plotting if he put 20% into his M we would not be where we are now. I am upset too because he must have bought her a birthday gift on Friday for over $250. And now he is going away on Friday (of course he says by himself), and I know he is having this A and I know all about it but it hurts so bad. I am more worried that OW is 51 so this is not some young 21 year old that will grow tired of the situation. OW is really digging in and I think willing to wait. I have to pull myself together and work on DB and being strong again because it will be a tough fight. I am praying everyday and standing for my M.

Twinhope and Txmom, my suggestion - before Hs pick up the kids - you need to give the kids prune juice or some other gastric delight so they will have to deal with the after effect hopefully while they are with the OW. That will discourage them.

T2L you are good standing your ground. Once I am on my own, I do have a goal list just getting past the next few days. And as far as your H thinking you are stupid -- what the h... You are very intelligent, he must have some real self esteem issues. I am sure your H is not used to you challenging him. It must be driving him crazy. That is a good 180 for you. Will be in contact once he moves.

Marisol you have come such a long way since you started posting. You have gotten strong in all of this which is important but you also have faith in your M. Your D is almost the same age as mine. It is especially tough for them because I think that they will always base future relationships on how they see their fathers. How sad is that.

[Trying2live]

OK Hope3343, one more day. You have made it this far and have done so wonderfully. I can say we are all very proud of the work you have done. Please don't hesitate to contact. My H has been gone out of the home since May. It'll will be difficult but you find more peace strangely enough. My kids even noticed the peace his 1st night gone. It's like we could breathe and no one had to walk on egg shells.

Are you still GAL"ing? I think it would be a great idea today and tomorrow for you to be bus doing something so uncharacteristic of someone in your shoes and he should find out about it. He is going to expect you to be crying sad and depressed. Don't give him that today and tomorrow. Come here and unload. You may have to act this one out, but he needs to see that your gonna make it and keep living your life.

I have something I am doing for the next 2 weeks that I'm gonna share with you guys when I get on later tonight(pacific time) sorry it'll probably be later for you Eastern timers. I feel like for me this is going to be a strategic last push for me. It's very detailed and I got it from one of the books I also red that I mentioned to you guys. Its Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. It's a little more of an actual plan and less of a living just getting by thing, so I think I'm going to go forward with it. Anyone interested?

[hope3343]

hi T2L, thanks for the encouragement. I have been GALing. I met these 2 women at the beach a few days ago, (I swear that God put them in my path when I needed a friend), both are very funny, religious, and most of all enjoy life -- they are taking me to see an Irish band on Friday and they said the place is not a pick up joint so I could relax. I'm going especially since H is "going away" overnight. I also joined the gym here last week and have been going during lunch since. I took my first Yoga class yesterday and almost died and went back today in the weight room. The good news is that I am down 22 pounds and just 1.5 pounds off from the goal I set for myself this month. H with all the drinking, going out, no exercise and fast food looks pasty and swollen. If OW is keeping up with H drinking she must look like hell too (I can only hope) So physically I am doing fine but emotionally it is tough. H is taking off tomorrow to move his clothes out. He has packed nothing. Knowing him he will just throw everything in the car and go. I wish I could do something uncharacteristic tonight but I am at a loss. Any ideas group??
I am meeting with counselor tonight at 5 and H is taking D to practice. D has been nice to H but really emotionally void with him. You reap what you sow.
Thanks gang for letting me unload here. It is like free therapy!
Now T2L, I am dying to know what your game plan is?? Last push?? I am interested..2 week plan -- very very curious. Good luck with it.
Please keep our family in your prayers as I will keep yours.

[TxMomw/2girls]

T2L - do share your plan... I need to get that book.. I don't have enough time in the day to read very much but I'm trying...

Hope - glad you are working out and getting strong physically.. I'm with you I look good physically but a mess inside..

Thank gosh for these post and you guys... I've only been on a week and it has helped me tremedously... free therapy. It helps that some of you are going through what I am ... that we are not alone.

I posted an update on my thread... until now I've been crying and miserable today... My D3 was crying and asking a lot of questions this morning... not to repeat it all... if you get some time you can read and give feedback.. this is so hard.. I need to do better on my 180's not email him like I didn't this morning..

[marisol35]

"Your D is almost the same age as mine. It is especially tough for them because I think that they will always base future relationships on how they see their fathers. How sad is that."

Hope - This is my greatest fear. Fear that my daughter will not see men in the same way like she use to. She admired her dad and thought he was the greatest thing on earth until this all happened. Every day I talk to her and make sure that when conversations about boys or when she gets older come up that she knows not everyone is the same. That there are good men out there and to take care of herself and take pride in her values.

T2L - I'm in! What are you going to do? I have to get that book. I will check amazon to see how much it is....

Well, today he left to Illinois for his grandmother's funeral tomorrow. He did send a message to let my daughter know he made it ok. He stopped by yesterday for about 5 minutes (I was still at work) to pickup some luggage that he had left and to see his D16. She told me when he left that she cried alot. When he sent me the message this morning I let him know that she did cry when he left and for him to know how much she loved and cared for him. His response was: 'thanks' and that was it!!! It just infuriates me. But, nothing I can do.

I have decided to submit a response to the petition for reconciliation. This will delay the process 3-4 months and it will require a meeting with a mediator to discuss our situation. If at that time he still insists on a divorce then the process will move forward again. At least it will give him more time to think about things. I'm not in a rush so it is not affecting me. I know many would not find my choice to be a good one but I don't think I will be sharing it with them at this point.

So let's list our goal lists here and compare notes!!?? I don't have a goal list yet and I would like to gain some ideas...what do you think?