Even while we were going through our issues, every night in the middle of sleep he would reach out for me. He would caress me, cuddle me, want me to hold him. Then sometimes he would immediately push me away. He would initiate sex, then push me away. It hurt so much and caused me much pan and confusion.
I'd say to trust what your gut tells you. If you really, really want to move on then you can. From what you've told me, the situation doesn't sound all that different than many of the others on the board that HAVE turned out well.
I'd HIGHLY recommend talking to a DB coach. Therapists are often not incredibly pro-marriage, and will suggest moving on because they are thinking only of short-term happiness.
In terms of what you just added about affection and then being pushed away, this is normal too. I use the word normal loosely, because I mean normal in this kind of situation.
I'd also suggest, if you want to get more responses to your post, that you look at other threads that are similar to your own and start posting on them. Someone gave me this advice when I was a newcomer, and it's really helped. I think that it's so much easier to give advice to someone else, because you are detached from the situation. Doing this can also help you see your own sitch a bit more clearly. It's nice too because then you develop kind of a "buddy network" on the boards, and it honestly does help you to stay strong.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Thanks. I will also start posting on other threads.
I am glad you continue to see positives in my situation. But what if there is another woman right now? How can I overcome that if we are so far away? I guess the only saving grace I have is he is moving closer to be near us. He is leaving all his friends and contacts behind.
In terms of there being an OW, I'd ask yourself 3 things, first, if something did happen, would that be a deal breaker?
Second, in the state your H is in, do you think he could actually develop a close and meaningful relationship with anyone else? If the answer to that is no, I'd go back to question 1 and ask myself if a PA were a dealbreaker or not.
Third, and probably most important, are you basing your suspicions on anything really concrete, or are you just making assumptions? Looks like from your post that you don't REALLY think there would be anything going on. If you don't REALLY have any reason to believe something inappropriate is going on, it is not good for you to dwell on it. What does your gut tell you? Again if your gut tells you something IS going on, and this is an absolute dealbreaker for you, THEN you could look into it more.
From your tone though it sounds as though an OW would be something to overcome, and not a dealbreaker, so I would do my best to ignore anything that even slightly suggests one, and act "as-if" there is nobody but you.
I have to say in my own sitch, there is one of my H's classmates who I don't trust, and I never have. However he has always told me there would be nobody else, and I choose to believe him. Also this would not be a dealbreaker for me given the state that he is in, i.e. I consider him at the moment to be like a teenager who hasn't quite learned appropriate behavior, so as such I see no reason to ever dwell on possibilities. Well, I am trying to dwell on happy possibilities at the moment, as that's all that can keep me going in this often seemingly thankless process!!!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
At this point I am not sure if it would be a deal breaker. I kind of ask myself if I really care. I think those photos don't say much and upon closer review, they aren't even touching. Not to say that doesn't mean anything, but as you say he is in an odd state of mind. He isn't himself. Neither is the girl as she is involved in her own marital issues.
I also don't think he could handle adding another person into the mix. He even told me this. He doesn't want anyone getting in the way of him dealing with his daughter and me. He said this right before I left and I believe him. His sister also confirms this and says he respects me and our marriage too much to be that stupid. But people do stupid things when they are drunk. I am just trying not to be naive. But even my therapist feels cheating is not a factor here. I am not trying to dwell on it anymore.
My gut tells me I am over reacting. I showed the pics to my dad and he said they are not much. He is my dad, he would tell me if he had concern. I have no other proof, so like i said, I am going to let it go for now. There are actually other things breaking the deal more than this. I want to stick it out, but not for the sake of my sanity. I am going to show him I am moving on and see what happens.
You have some great advice. I hope things work out for you.
Thanks for saying I have good advice; my sitch has been an absolute rollercoaster and 2 weeks ago I wouldn't have believed the things I told you. It was only after listening to my H tell me mariage was like a prison 1 day, and then the next day saying he missed me that it clicked. He has been "good H" for nearly a week now, for the first time in months. I have to stress though, that I really don't think we'd be even this far were it not for DBing and these boards.I didn't act as if I were moving on, but I did quit initiating contact, and quit telling him about my own feelings.
When you say that you will act as-if you're moving on, how do you mean? I think it's great to work on your life the way you would want it to be with or without your H, as long as it doesn't include dating etc. Of course that's just my take, others might have different opinions.
If you want to check out my sitch, my current thread is on this board and is "I believe in Miracles".
Hope you're doing OK today, ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
No I don't plan to date. Just moving on with my life. Acting as my daughter and I will be living without him. Continuing my job, her pre school, getting an apartment, etc. I am not ready to date. He is far from stable to date. I believe, deep down, he knows this. I know it would crush him if I started dating. Funny huh? And here I am questioning if he was faithful. Don't know, don't think so, but anyway I am not ready to go down that road. Don't think I don't think about it, but it would be for my own ego and for spite.
We have set plans to visit my husband at his new place for Thanksgiving. It works out best for my job and for my daughter to have as much time with him as possible. Not sure if we are going to spend Thanksgiving Day together. That would most likely be my choice and I am not sure if I want to.
On another note, he mentioned to be a few weeks ago he smoked pot with some buddies. He then admits these buddies (who he hangs with quite often) are potheads. He says he didn't know until know. I don't mind the occasional recreational drug use, but too much, well you know.
So last night he called to say good night to our daughter. He went out and sometimes when he goes out he stays at his buddy's place. Probably too messed up to drive home. He says he can't deal with being in our house and it makes him go crazy. I try to believe him because he always volunteers this information. I figure if he was doing something really inappropriate he could do it at our empty house and be home or he wouldn't tell me he was sleeping away. Perhaps I am being naive again. I even question, if he was unfaithful would I even care? I know this isn't my husband and he is not acting like himself.
Anyway, I speak with him and am 99% sure he is high. He is yawning alot, slow speech and losing focus. My daughter is trying to talk with him and he is talking over her to talk to me. It pissed me off and I told him to be quiet, she is speaking.
Now I ask you for those who have been through this, who abducted my husband and replaced him with this guy? Where did my real husband go? I believe again this is a combo of depression and mid life crisis. Will my real husband come back? Cause I don't want this one.
I'm still rather new around here getting my ground and figuring things out. You said something in your last statement "who abducted my husband and replaced him with this guy? where did my real husband go?" I have been wondering the same thing. My H says things completely out of character. He actually told me one day that marriage is nothing and he could get married as many times as he changes his underwear. I mean really. He compared marriage to underwear. My H has ALWAYS held marriage in high regard and loved talking about me and our kids. I have no idea who this man is anymore and he seems to take pride in the fact I don't know him anymore. I feel for you regarding the drug use. Although its not the best way to deal with things, this may be a way for him to get through all of this. He may be depressed in which many people drown their depression in substance abuse. I think its great that he at least shares information with you. This is a good thing. The more he's sharing the more you know and can sort of figure out where he is at. Anyway, I wish you and your daughter the best.
I'm still rather new around here getting my ground and figuring things out. You said something in your last statement "who abducted my husband and replaced him with this guy? where did my real husband go?" I have been wondering the same thing. My H says things completely out of character. He actually told me one day that marriage is nothing and he could get married as many times as he changes his underwear. I mean really. He compared marriage to underwear. My H has ALWAYS held marriage in high regard and loved talking about me and our kids. I have no idea who this man is anymore and he seems to take pride in the fact I don't know him anymore. I feel for you regarding the drug use. Although its not the best way to deal with things, this may be a way for him to get through all of this. He may be depressed in which many people drown their depression in substance abuse. I think its great that he at least shares information with you. This is a good thing. The more he's sharing the more you know and can sort of figure out where he is at. Anyway, I wish you and your daughter the best.
