I was reading this morning that people, often, after the revelation of an affair, do everything they can to save/fix the marriage. What they are really in search of is not a fix for the marriage, but, rather, something much deeper: themselves. They search for the self, perhaps that they lost a long time ago. Perhaps this self never really emerged yet. But the core essence of the self they are looking for is the self that will not allow their spouses to treat them so cruelly.
I can certainly understand this statement. I think I'm past the point of being willing to do anything to "get him back." I think I was past that point a week out from the bomb. I've been doing some heavy work (as you may have noticed from my loooooong and verbose posts) to figure out when and how I lost myself, because I was in a pretty good space before all this began. I think I'm getting close.
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principally it doesn't allow us to reveal our selves to others. This kills intimacy, and it invites abuse and contempt from others.
Amen to that. It's not even a choice to be aloof, really, it's how we learned to survive. And it does invite contempt.
Thanks for the affirmation. Someday I hope to believe it.
Stalling--it just seems that 60 days is such a brief time for such a destructive thing. It just seems so incongruous to be able to end a 14-year marriage and rip apart a family just 6 months after H gets a wild hair and decides he's entitled to more out of life. That's basically it. It may not accomplish anything, and it's not really a strategy. If anything, it's a way of honoring the vows I took and not trivializing them by tossing them out the window in a 60-day process.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Thanks. I am better today. I was better yesterday, actually. I am trying to work this all out in my head--it's the only way I can deal with it. I sure can't change H or what he's chosen to do, and in ways I need to know what I've lost. It seems less now than it did in the beginning.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Stalling--it just seems that 60 days is such a brief time for such a destructive thing. It just seems so incongruous to be able to end a 14-year marriage and rip apart a family just 6 months after H gets a wild hair and decides he's entitled to more out of life. That's basically it. It may not accomplish anything, and it's not really a strategy. If anything, it's a way of honoring the vows I took and not trivializing them by tossing them out the window in a 60-day process.
I see your point. It makes moral sense. Find out from your lawyer how long you can stall and does it compromise your position vis a vis finances and custody.
Stalling--it just seems that 60 days is such a brief time for such a destructive thing. It just seems so incongruous to be able to end a 14-year marriage and rip apart a family just 6 months after H gets a wild hair and decides he's entitled to more out of life. That's basically it. It may not accomplish anything, and it's not really a strategy. If anything, it's a way of honoring the vows I took and not trivializing them by tossing them out the window in a 60-day process.
I see your point. It makes moral sense. Find out from your lawyer how long you can stall and does it compromise your position vis a vis finances and custody.
But on the other hand, I'd like to have it all behind me so it's not hanging over my head. See my dilemma?
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Hoozh, I say, if you can stand it, you drag it out a bit. OW may dump his ass, and as you said, it's a lot of history to just dump easily in 60 days.
Also, tactically, I think he'll get a lot of pressure from OW to try to speed things along. You seem torn; what better tie-breaker, than to NOT give them what they obviously want??
Maybe he'll be inclined to sweeten the deal as it drags out.
Good thought. I'm kinda trying to decide from the basis of what will best serve me, but this is a factor.
BTW--from D's description, I thought H got an apartment downtown on the canal, near his hospital and where he used to live when dating OW. However, he said it's in Speedway (west side), which is all he'll tell me. He had said it would either be downtown or on the east side where we live so he'd be near D, but I honestly would have been surprised if he didn't choose to live west because it's on the way to OW's farm. And farther from his previous life.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
