Moving her from Newbees

[Clayton]

I have scheduled my 3rd session with Jodie for tomorrow morning.

I'm not sure what I should be doing at this point. I'm trying to detach....but the more I see W, I seem to be reattaching to her.

We are in the "friends" stage. She is acting perfectly towards me...but I'm sure she is still heading towards divorce.

She said that because of the current housing market, we will not look at selling. We should both just keep paying the mortgage and I will continue living/maintaining our home & she'll stay in her apartment.
She said that we will need to re-evaluate our finances after the next tax submission. We will file jointly for 2008...but 2009 will be a different story.

I just feel so..so sad today. I miss her so very much.

[Clayton]

Well...had my chat the DB coach this morning & she suggested the following.

1. Be more enthusiastic with my greetings whenever I meet my W (like when you catch up with a long lost friend). Try to be more playfull and try to flurt a little. Hopefully this will set the tone for the interaction.

2. Start to do more activities instead of just meeting for dinners..etc. This will take the pressure off having to have small talk/conversation and provide some excitement and something to look forward to.

I am still apprehensive whenever we get together and I'm sure it shows through. I am definetly in the friendzone and am scared of trying to take it to the next level. Playfulness and flurting will not be easy for me.

As far as doing more active hookups instead of dining/drinking....well I'm already doing all those things solo. I just need to somehow invite her to join me without making it seem like a formal date. She is receptive to anything revolving eating/drinking.....but other activities....I'll have to see.

If anyone has any advice about how to step it up a knotch when you are friends...I would appreicate any comments.

[optimistwife]

Hi Clayton,

decided based on your thread to come to this area from Newbies as well. Your sitch sounds a lot like mine! See my thread.

I too am in the friendship stage (mostly) and there has been a bit of crossover to romance (initiated by H). He seems to have backed off a bit since then- back to friendship a while longer. I guess that is a good thing

I too am wondering when! we will ever slip into a meaningful R talk. I know that it has to be comfortable on his part. I am waiting for him to basically be the one to initiate it. Not sure if this is the right thing to do.

Been trying to be his biggest supporter- which is hard to do!

Maybe we can help each other find ways to take things a step forward with our S?

[optimistwife]

Hi Clayton,

decided based on your thread to come to this area from Newbies as well. Your sitch sounds a lot like mine! See my thread.

I too am in the friendship stage (mostly) and there has been a bit of crossover to romance (initiated by H). He seems to have backed off a bit since then- back to friendship a while longer. I guess that is a good thing

I too am wondering when! we will ever slip into a meaningful R talk. I know that it has to be comfortable on his part. I am waiting for him to basically be the one to initiate it. Not sure if this is the right thing to do.

Been trying to be his biggest supporter- which is hard to do!

Maybe we can help each other find ways to take things a step forward with our S?

[Clayton]

Hey there OptimistWife,

I have had absolutley no romance since the bomb dropped...not even a kiss. Lots of great long tight hugs...but that's it.
There has not been any negitive talk...so I guess that's a good thing. We don't talk about the seperation...or any moves towards divorce, splitting assets etc...so I guess it's just the status quo. We only get together about once a week.

I feel kinda weird trying to do anything romantic and it might come off as pursuit and make her pull away (which I don't want).
I am going to try to create situations where I can be playfull and maybe we can act more like kids and have active fun.
If I can invite her to active stuff like hiking, art shows (not really active), maybe a boat ride to one of the cafe's across the harbour...it may start to change the dymanics of our interactions.

What kind of stuff are you and H doing for fun???

[optimistwife]

Well, initially after he left, for a few weeks even though he was gone- when he came over we acted like nothing had happened (at least he did). Okay- we only saw each other a few times- but it actually was a bit better than previous- cause I think a huge weight was off his back by finally leaving (transferred onto mine).

Then- he went cold. We still talked, and for about a month when he did visit it was weird. It was really hard to DB during this time. I thought for sure he must be getting ready to file. Okay- he wasn't- but I think the reality of what he had done had hit him.

Just when I thought things were all bad- the end of August he started to move into friendship stage- for real I belive. He started to call a lot to just talk. Also started coming over more- but the bad part is he would come to camp at the house- which DB coach (also Jody) says is bad. It gave us a lot more time together- and it was during these longer stretches (a day or two) that he started doing some little things- more real hug- kisses moving a bit closer to the lips- one morning fooled around a little in bed- next visit a bit more.... But as Jody says this is probably moving too fast and we are slipping into some of the same roles that we had prior to him leaving that were bad. I was always being available- not allowing more of a chase, mystique. Hard to do when you want them to love you sooo bad!

My H idea of a good time is going to a movie, pizza or watching a video at home. I would prefer to keep our dates 'out of house' as when at home he tends to slip into old roles- falls asleep on couch, spends all time on computer- really no face to face time for us. When out- it is more like dating. We have to interact.

My husband was very flirty during our marriage- lots of PDAs, holding hands, would kiss in public. Very different than me/how I was raised- but I love it. I know when this returns that this will be him acting comfortable with R.

I think trying to be playful and acting like kids is good. I am trying to do this more- my H is a big kid at heart- one of the things that made me fall in love- then one of the things that bugged the crap out of me- now one of the things I miss! I am trying to do more gentle teasing, flirty type stuff- also recommended by DB.

I have had hard time to get H to do stuff with me. He is spending excessive hours in his last year of prof. school. He has sore back, tired, eating bad, gaining weight, I think depressed (has been for a while) and I would guess this whole thing is treating him worse than me. I look great- am going to gym regularly, have hobbies I am excelling at, took up bike riding, (planning on swimming- triathelon?), have a great support system, and just got back from Mexico on vacation.

The few times I have asked him to do other stuff (bike, go to park) he has turned me down. Oh well. Will keep on trying.

I don't think the grass is greener over there. But mine is taking on a lovely shade! I hope this is all not lost on him. I also have that eternal fear of him deciding I am doing too well and don't want him...

Okay- long post- but my advice is NOT to make the romantic move. It hurts to get shot down. Come to think about it- ours have come after little bumps in the road, where I have been hurt from statements- opened up a little, and he has reached out to reassure. But I am a believer that it has to be on their timeline!

[optimistwife]

I am still apprehensive whenever we get together and I'm sure it shows through. I am definetly in the friendzone and am scared of trying to take it to the next level. Playfulness and flurting will not be easy for me.

Oooh,
Just remembered something that has helped me. I think I read it in DR book. But it was to visualize what it would be like if everything was going well- what a successful day together would be. What would you be doing? How would you act? See yourself acting 'as if'. Keep a positive mind. Physically make youself smile and think good thoughts about how great the night will go.

Believe me- it actually works. This is what top athletes do- they visualize themselves winning, and how it is going to happen. This kept me focused during those akward times he came over, was distant and detatched, and I could tell he wasn't sure how to act. I did great (on the outside at least).

My theory was that if I couldn't be comfortable and easy to be around- why would be want to be around me?

[Clayton]

There is an africian sculpture art show this weekend that I'm planning on going to. I told W she is welcome to join me and catch a coffee afterwards.
She said she's already got commitments for this weekend...but will try to cancel so she can come along (tentative acceptance).

I am going to really try to put into practice some of Jodie's suggestions and try to add a bit of spice to our current friendship.

More enthusiasm when we greet each other.
More playful and fun.
A well placed complement at the end on the meet.

[cotoffgard]

Clayton
I read in several articles how doing something that raises adrenaline levels (e.g. rollercoasters , skydiving, whitewater rafting, scary movie, etc.) makes people more apt to be romantic with each other. One thing I did recently with my company was go-kart racing, and if I had the opportunity to go out on a pressure-free "date" with my WAW, I'd definitely take her there. Also, Halloween's around the corner. Any good "Haunted Houses" around your neck o' the woods?

Just a few suggestions...

[Clayton]

Hey cotoffgard,

Next weekend I'm planning on going on a ride in a WW1 bi-plane. That will be better then any rollercoaster.There is a spare seat on the plane and I'm probably gonna ask W if she wants to tag along.

Since we are still pooling our salaries in joint accounts...she is paying for half the ticket price already...so she might as well take advantage of it or I'll invite one of my girl friends.
That will be a definite adrenaline fix.

Thanks for the idea.
Clayton.