First regarding the Secret...It's actually something I totally forgot about until I was reading your posts about the Secret: When we first moved in to our home I would always picture a pool right outside our kitchen window. It seemed next to impossible that we'd ever have a pool since we were in hawk up to our butts with the house. Funny thing is....we DID have a pool put in about 1 1/2 years ago and it looks exactly how I pictured it in my mind. Again...just remembered that.
Second, my H also threw some pretty low blows at me regarding kids. In my early 30's he wanted to have another child and I was in to my career and wasn't sure I wanted anymore children. Recently, however, I had been the one pushing for more children. When he left he threw it in my face that me not wanting to have kids with him before hurt him very deeply and that I had ruined it for him and HE DIDN'T WANT ANY MORE KIDS WITH ME! It's all so very sad, my window of opportunity is closing rapidly
Yeah I wouldn't worry about that email. To be honest, I think that our WAH's NEED to know some of this info, even if we only bring it up once. When I told H I would move out for 3 months, I told him all the reasons that I fell in love with him, and even said "you'll remember this later when we both feel differently."
It wasn't very DB appropriate, but I think it is in his fog-ridden head somewhere, and that he will refer back to it later, if he hasn't already. I'd say with your H too, how do you know that he doesn't obsess about that email and think about it constantly?
I for one think it's good that your H knows you still want to have kids etc., and that he will feel like the door is open to talk when he's ready.
I'm impressed with how strong you seem.
Keep up the good work!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I did the same thing Sep, but verbally and by email. I got no repsonse to either. However we are getting responses by DBing (even if they do have to retreat to their caves occasionally)
Daisy - No he never even acknowledged the email and that was about 4 months ago. Before we can live together we need to learn to communicate better. We got to a point that we argued about EVERTHING!! I have been working on my over-active imagination which I am sure will reduce stress immensley. We would also need to come to an agreement about our budget.
Changed - Thank you for yr story. I love the idea that we can visualize what we want. I feel that just the thought of it is helping me to maintain a PMA!!! Yea, the kids blow hurt ALOT. Then when he left I got into a panic that I was getting too old if I didn't have kids now!! Now I have gotten over that panic and know that we will have them soon enough!!
ITH - Yea, I do feel that he needed to know the things that I told him in the email. I did tell him that it was best that we S at that time because we had become to hostile with each other but that I loved him and hoped that in time we can sort through things and come back together. I also made sure to tell him that alot of his action made me feel used and hurt me. You know I still have the email and was reading it the other day and I was wondering the same thing, if he kept it and reads it every once in awhile. He did tell me last month that he does think about the marriage. I try my best to be strong, there are some days that I feel vulnerable but overall I figure if I don't take care of myself no one else will!!
JCJ - Thanks Julia! Yes, he is in his cave right now. I wrote the email and never asked about it. I figure if he ever wants to talk about it he knows how to reach me. Yes, DB has worked wonders though!! It's just sometimes those babysteps take forever!!
You are nowhere NEAR too old to have kids. I'm 33, and most of my friends who are older than me have only started having kids. I have a friend who is 40 and pregnant with twins! You've got AGES.
The fact that your H admitted to thinking about the marriage is a positive sign, IMO.
What are your next steps going to be? Are you going to stay dark/dim? Has this worked well for you in the past or have you tried other methods?
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
You sound like me with all the arguing with your hubby. It's sooo exhausting and not healthy for any area of your life. Do you have a plan or mini goals to address this problem. Are you wanting to go to MC to learn to communicate better? A seminar or DVD class on marriage? I know that right now is not the time to work on it but when your man does come back around do you have something in mind to work on the arguing? I'm curious for my own sitch too!
ITH - Oh I know now. I just got some weird panic in my head then that if I didn't have them right away I couldn't. Now I know that this is not true!!
I'm not sure yet what I am going to do. I think I am going to wait it out. I actually have been so busy lately so that can be my excuse if he asks why I haven't reached out.
Another 180...I haven't been on MS or FB in over a week and don't plan on going back on for a while. H always complained that I was ALWAYS on there and would make fun of me. I think I would go on to look for things to complain to him about, so no more looking for things.
Other than that I have my big Exam tomorrow. I am a little nervous but I am positive that I know most of the information and I should be fine.
Daisy I am not going to MC and H wouldn't go...I asked before and he laughed at me. He is a very private person and doesn't like talking to people. I think in my sit to improve it has got to be mind over matter. I am an EXTREMELY emotional person and act out my emotions. (read Drama Queen) I have been working on controlling these emotions and I think that this will be a great help.
I am even prepared for H trying to push these buttons to see if I will crack...but I am using the mental picture of us being happy and enjoying our marriage as a mental block not to go over the handle!!
I wouldn't be surprised at ALL if your H tried to push your buttons! It seems like some weird subconscious WAH trick that they like to pull, and then the second we show any emotion, they can say we haven't changed :).
Sounds you are emotionally well-prepared for it though!
So I keep going on about this "as-if" model I found on one of the forums, but I think it could be useful here too. The idea is that once you feel like your changes have taken real hold, and are a permanent part of who you are, you think about each of the possible scenarios that your H could put you in, and how you will use your new "as-if" model to deal with them. I had a hard time doing this as I just couldn't face the idea that he could say the D word to me. He actually did say that word for the first time last week, and I didn't do THAT bad with it, but I could have done better. I think, especially if you're in between periods of contact, it's really helpful to do this...I think it helped me to react better than I would have otherwise, even if I still wasn't as good as I could have been!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I love the idea that we can visualize what we want. I feel that just the thought of it is helping me to maintain a PMA!!! Yea, the kids blow hurt ALOT. Then when he left I got into a panic that I was getting too old if I didn't have kids now!! Now I have gotten over that panic and know that we will have them soon enough!!