I will definitely hold off for another week unless something changes dramatically from his side, e.g. if I get an ILY, or a "come home today" message or something like that :).
Today H is dark, not even on IM yet, but I have a sneaking suspicion something is coming, not an expectation, just a gut feeling that something is building; I don't know what this something might be though. If I'd listened to gut feelings to begin with I wouldn't be in this R mess that I'm in now, so I really try to pay attention now...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
OK chatting has started (H initiated of course), so far so good, only light topics and I have not said anything scary or R-related. It's REALLY tempting to step it up a notch, but I am not going to! Weird, my cheeks are flushed and I feel nervous in a way I haven't in awhile, not panicky, but just nervous like it's a boy I like. I hope he feels the same way!
So he starts out by making fun of my IM picture, then I change it a few times and we joke around about it. He says he's traveling for work tomorrow through Friday and his new friend (it's a boy, so OK) is watching the pets. Annoying though, as I wish I were there instead...This new friend is getting on my nerves a bit.
I ask him what he's doing on his work trip, and he says being taken to dinner like the king that he is, so he's joking around, good, then I respond that he's no king but I am a queen, and he says "of his servant staff". OK, more joking, this is good, and really back to the way that our conversations always used to be. Of course I was hoping for queen of his heart or something...:)
I won't be saying anything else now, am just sitting back and waiting to see what happens next...
I know baby steps and I am certainly very grateful...just that I'll be back in 2 weeks so I I hope for another small breakthrough before then...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I am starting to get a little nervous as I really don't want to get back in 2 weeks and not be able to live with H. I am going to DB like crazy between now and then and see what happens...
Do you think it's good to stay backed off still? There is a part of me that feels like I just want to call him up and have a normal conversation, but alien H might still be in there somewhere...
I wonder if it's normal to "spring back" all at once, or whether this is meant to be a gradual process? It certainly was an overnight change that has lasted 6 days so far...
Thing is I don't know how to approach going back to Dublin yet. I don't know how long I should let this wait, but I am a little bit afraid of the topic...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I think you need to stick with your plan of house sitting. At least you will be in the same city and can spend time together. I know it is hard but I think this will have the best results. You have to respect your hubbys desires, as annoying as they might be. And he wants to spend time with you which is a great thing! He is just not ready to be 100% back together. Look how far you've come though and you'll see that it probably won't be much longer until you can start thinking about moving back in together. But you have to let him set the pace and he has already told you, very clearly, what he wants.
Not trying to be harsh but I just think that you need to move really slowly and make sure that the foundation you are building is sturdy before jumping into the next stage. It will be better in the long run.
Hang in there darlin'! We are all cheering for you!
Problem is that there are going to be some days of overlap if I go with this, i.e. a few days before and a few days after my 2-week business trip to the US. I don't know how he is going to feel about this, but I'm honestly terrified to bring it up again. He really freaked out on me last time when he just learned I was coming back. This does mean that we will save loads of money, so in my opinion it's the best solution IF we are not moving back in yet. The other thing is that I don't know if I believe him that this is what he wants. He does flipflops all of the time, so this is why I want to wait until the last moment possible before discussing it, but I also don't want to be seen as manipulative...Ugh.
I don't mind the staying at a friend's at all, as it would be my own place. I just think he's being really weird about the whole situation by not even being willing to see me and discuss this in person before making a decision like this.
Anyway I might be going through Dublin next week for another business trip, and I am thinking of sending an email just saying I'll be staying X nights, but as he has classes, won't be able to see him. This would give him the chance to say that I could stay at the house on either of these days and IF this happened and things were good, we might have a better chance to at least have a normal discussion about things. I just need some inspiration on this still!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I see what you are saying. You sound totally logical on these kinds of issues. I just want you to be really really careful so that you do not come across as pressuring, controling, or manipulating to your husband because then the crazy cycle would start all over again. So tread lightly!
I think that you could stay in the house under the preference of "budget issues" but if it did go badly then you would be under more stress because you would have to fight this battle all over again once your friend comes home and you have to find a new place to live.
Do you have a convo with Jody coming up any time soon? I would definatly counsel with her to get her opinion. The only thing that I have to offer is DO NOT bring up moving into yr house right now. That's what triggered him last time and we do not want any backslides. You are doing so well so far!!
Thanks...this is the ULTIMATE sticky situation, so I just don't know what to do or how to handle it! Jody had liked the idea of me buying time by staying at a friend's house, but we ran out of time before I told her that there would be overlaps.
I guess what I am going to do is wait until next week, and see if anything happens with Dublin, or if he brings up anything on his own first. I SO don't want to bring anything up or seem manipulative, but if he doesn't bring up the topic first himself, then I am going to have to raise it at some point I guess. I mean I like the idea of just showing up at the house like Jody had originally suggested, but now I think this is out of the question. I wonder if he's gone back to an alternate reality, one where we are friends now and he misses me and likes me again, but I am still not coming back? I just think it's odd and unlike him that he hasn't mentioned me saying I'd stay in my friend's place. When he broached the subject earlier that day that he sent the email, he asked if I'd heard on the place, and I said yes but not on the dates. I wonder if he assumes that I know the dates now? He can't possibly think that there will be no overlaps, and that I can time my business trips completely around his wants? I am PRAYING that he reaches out to me first and that he makes some kind of offer or suggestion on his own.
My one thing I thought I could do, but I don't like to lie and play games, is to say that I had originally planned it so that there were no overlap days, but that my business trip had to be changed around by 1 week due to the availability of the people I would be meeting with. He has had business trips canceled only 1 day in advance before so SHOULD understand that. I could then say that I'd love his suggestions on how to deal with the situation, and that I was really sorry to put him in an uncomfortable place.
Like I said though, I don't want to lie or play games...somehow this just needs to be his decision, and I am not sure how to get there. Perhaps his trip to Mexico if it comes up again.
Ugh. I hope the inspiration will come in the next week!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
My heart is really breaking for Jen, and it feels kind of weird right now to post about other things.
It does serve to put things in perspective, the fact that each interaction could be the last one, so I need to remember to avoid anger and resentment, always.
I didn't hear from H again last night, nor this morning. I think he's just arriving to Portugal for a business trip. I hope that he will reach out today. I couldn't sleep last night because I have been agonizing over my next steps. I truly believe that I will get a sign about what to do next, but I am still waiting...I have pretty much 2 weeks exactly, and I am out of 180s that I can do from here, or so it feels anyway.
I have 2 ideas, barring an unexpected move from H, that COULD have an impact and I'd like to get feedback on them; they could be done in tandem or separately. Both are a bit risky, but I'm lacking any better ideas.
The first one is regarding a potential business trip to Spain next week. While H was living in his uninformed reality, he said that I couldn't go on this trip because of the cost of the hotel in Dublin. This is annoying because obviously I could stay for free at OUR house, but I will not bring this up. Basically I will need to fly through Dublin, and have 1 night on either side of the trip. These 2 nights happen to fall on his school nights, meaning that he won't be home until about 11 PM these nights. So I was thinking to send a short, polite email saying that I've learned the conference is not optional, and need to go. I will be in Dublin on X dates, but as I know he has class those nights, we won't see each other. He can then choose to respond and say he wants to see me, or potentially use this as a springboard for freaking out about money again...that's the potential downside, but I feel that we need to be transparent with the budget. Now if I do this, I will send the email tomorrow, meaning 1 week exactly since Good H has made an appearance. It will be my first provocative move...The other thing it could do is show him that I am OK with not seeing him, or even make him think that I'm not that interested in seeing him...
Next idea...I've told you all that H is Jewish, in that sort of more obsessive way that someone is religious when he converts later in life. It means a LOT to him, and is something that historically I hadn't been as supportive of as I should have been. He appreciated the New Years email. That worked and got a very positive response. Now next Thursday is Yom Kippur, which is the day of atonement. It is supposed to be an opportunity to apologize to people who you have wronged, to atone...So I was thinking of sending an email apologizing for the things that I have done to get us to the place where we are at now, and to ask for forgiveness. This would show that I am taking the religious aspect more seriously, and also show that I am thinking about my own contributions to the damaged relationship. I know this needs to be done very carefully though. I know letters are usually bad, but this would be tied directly to something that is very important to him. The possible upside there too would be that I would likely be in Dublin when he read the email, so he would have the chance to really reach out in response IF he wanted to, but he would also know that I have not asked to see him there. I thought in this letter I could focus on myself and what I've learned about why I acted in the way that I did, and tell him what I am doing now, but NOT ask for anything except for forgiveness.
So those are my ideas for the moment.
I'm sort of stuck as to others, unless anyone has any suggestions.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
We are all cheering for you!