Hello folks, I'm back. I haven't been here since 3/08 but I've made great progress with me. But, I will bring you up to speed on my sitch.
I am in need of some advice.
I found out about OW on Thanksgiving Day 2007 and H walked out on me and S19 & S16. H had been involved with OW since 3/05. I filed for legal separation in 4/08 to protect my share of stocks, accts., not be dragged into the debt he was racking up and to legally get C.S. and temporary alimony.
H had been helping OW build a house since summer 2007 (OW lives in another town 1 1/2 hrs away where H has an office he supervises). They have since moved into her home in 6/08. S19 lives with them to work because of legal debt (2 DWI's in 4 months time - H and OW are VERY heavy drinkers on a daily basis [OW also does speed but I don't know if H knows about that] and S19 being there concerns me) and lost his scholarship funding for college. He is supposed to move back with me and S16 at the end of the year.
S16 is very quiet and internal with his feelings. He hasn't gone to H & OW's since 7/6/08. He always makes excuses not to go. He doesn't see H much at all eventhough H can come to our town anytime he wants to spend time with S16 but he won't. H doesn't have to see him at our home, S16 has a car and could drive somewhere to meet him.
OW has 3 kids (13, 11 & 7) and H is either dropping them off or picking them up from daycare/school and he makes sure he's home for 4 pm for them. When our S's were that age, H was always working and missed out on their day to day activities. So, I believe, he is trying to recapture the time he missed with his S's with her kids.
H honestly believes our S's are handling things well and are fine with us getting a D. H made a comment the other day when I was telling him how well S16 was doing in football (was mentioned in a state wide football magazine) and his grades are very good (I had explained to S16 at the end of last school year what he needed to do grade wise this school year and next in order to be NCAA eligable so he's made that his goal.) that H believes S16 is doing good because of us getting a D that S16 isn't the old happy to lucky kid anymore. WHAT!!! Of course he's not happy go lucky - his parents are getting a D! I explained to H that S16 ONLY has control over the school portion of his life and he's put all of his energy into it and I wasn't going to continue this line of our conversation.
I met the OW 2 weeks ago at a business function for my recently deceased BIL's business. No one knew accept my SIL that I was going. I looked FANTASTIC!!! OW looked like the trashy person that she is. Shorts 2 sizes too small - they were up her butt and had a HUGE camel toe going on (she was the only female in shorts). She looked nasty. I was the better woman (of course) and when my SIL introduced us I shook her hand. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to throw her to the ground and stomp on her like the roach she is but I resisted. LOL H and OW were dancing like they were in a bar room (OW looked like she was giving lap dances to H and she was watching me the whole time to see if I'd noticed). My SIL was so mad at their inappropriate behavior at her dead husbands business function. H did look my direction a few times during the evening.
H keeps trying to justify his decision to leave me and be with OW. H won't speak to me or acknowledge my presence when we are in the same place. The night before the party I took his sister, niece and my SIL's SIL to S16 football game and H wouldn't come set by us nor did he say anything to me or acknowledge me. He also didn't speak one word to me the whole evening of the party. But, when we speak on the phone it's as if nothing is wrong. Why is this?
I found out last week that OW had a relationship with another man from 9/07 - 12/07. I spoke with the other man and he confirmed it and said he'd gotten rid of her because she was getting too clingy. He has a lot of money and that is what OW is after. My H makes a very good living and H is paying for everything. Her house, her new car, everything. He's currently in debt for over $35K. He's acquired this since 3/08. I also found out that OW had a $30K credit card debt that her ex didn't know about (she likes to keep up with the Jones') but he took a loan on his 401K and payed it off for her. Her ex also gave her $30K when they divorced (in addition to his monthy ss) to help get her going in a place to live but she moved in with her parents. Her dad has taken out a loan to pay off her older car, he's gone through about $100K in the past 2 yrs. since her D just giving her money, land to build her house, etc. OW is a habitual lier, she steals, does drugs and is an alcoholic. She was actually in AA before she met my H but H got her into drinking and the bar scene again. Don't get me wrong, I drink but not on a daily basis or in extreme excess.
I'm not sure what to do about all the info that I have on OW. I know in my heart that H would never believe me if I told him the truth about her. He is so wrapped up in her right now. But, I still love him and hate that she is using him and has done this to him.
I think he still loves me but he is a very prideful person and will NEVER admit to being wrong. H would stay with her because of her kids and he also is close to her dad. H's own dad died in 3/06 and his dad never had anything in common with H where as OW's dad does. I guess I'm doomed to lose him forever.
How can you get your H back if you only have occassional telephone conversations?
How can you get your H back if he won't acknowledge your presence and walks out of his way not to come near you?
What else can I do to get him back? I've GAL, gone dark, been a friend when he calls. What else can I do?
SL, I don't know if I have much advice for you. I just wanted to let you know that sometimes the boards are more quiet on the weekends. Weekdays seem to have a lot more traffic.
I do know that I feel the same way as you - my H is filled with pride and I don't believe that he will ever admit to being wrong. But I don't know that I agree that you are doomed and that you will lose him forever. If you read a lot of the posts here, you will see that some come back that were never expected to come back.
I don't know what else you can do. I figured out a while ago that DBing was good for me but not so good with my marriage. Not all will survive.
Believe it or not, you are fairly new to this. I would think that you still have some ups and downs to go.
I guess my advice would be to GAL for you - not just because some book or some board told you to. I would also be his friend because it is in the best interest of your kids to go this route. And as far as going dark - I have to think that that would give you some measure of peace as well.
Again - I'm not in a great position now to give advice. I just wanted to let you know that someone was out here and "listening". And that weekends are always a little slower.
Thanks for replying. I was beginning to feel alone.
It's just that I wonder how I can save my marriage when H lives with OW (an 1 1/2 hr drive from our home) and her kids and our S's are older so H really doesn't go through me for weekends (which S16 doesn't do - his choice), holidays, etc. H really has no need to ever speak to me except for the very rare occassion. It's just that I spent 21 yrs. talking to this man almost daily and now he doesn't even acknowledge my presence when we're in the same room.
So, if there's no communication, how can the marriage be saved?
Why can't I stop crying. I was doing so well. I was adjusting to things. But, lately, I just seem to cry for no reason. H and OW are tucked cozy into bed together and I'm up alone crying. I can't sleep and the tears just keep flowing.
How can H walk out on a 20 yr marriage and not look back, not try to make things work, or even give us a second chance? All he cares about right now is himself. He cares more about OW's kids than his own. He thinks because our S's are older they are OK with this and can handle it. He's so wrong. He doesn't see S16's anger.
I sent H an email to thank him for helping board up the house for Hurricane Gustav. I'd meant to do it earlier but busy with after hurricane clean up at home and SIL's. I also reminding him that S16's game was moved to Thursday instead of Friday. He just said you're welcome and S16 already told him. I guess he at least replied which is good thing.
I'm trying to be patient and put things in God's hands. But, in 7 months my D will be final. Then what? Will OW finally get him to marry her? I hope not. I really thought he was an intelligent man but this new guy isn't too bright. I WANT MY OLD HUSBAND BACK!!!
Hey, it's okay. The pain is real, and it's okay to hurt. You are going to be alright. You are never alone. Most importantly you have the Lord, and you have all your DB friends . K I know that it doesn't help now. But you know, tell yourself that you are going to be okay today. That you can get through. Then tell yourself the same thing tomorrow. This part of life sucks, no one will tell you different. But I am telling you that it gets better. In 7 months, no matter what, you will have your head held high and walking with that dignity as the woman that God wants you to be.
I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me.
Monday was an exceptionally bad day. I came home and drank way too much wine with my neighbor. I sent H a text that said ILY! He didn't reply. I sleeped surprisingly well.
Wednesday, I knew OW was out of town so I sent H a text that said I miss him and I want him. He actually replied 'What for?'. We sent text back and forth but his were mostly I had my chance, I took him for granted, he was happy and for me to find someone else because he wasn't coming back. I kept mine non-confrontational which was hard at times but I kept saying that I can forgive him and that we can work things out and be happy. Not as positive as I'd hoped but I guess him replying was at least something or am I just grasping at straws here?
S16 had his homecoming dance last night. I tried to call H after S16 and his girlfriend (neighbors daughter) left to tell him about the night. My neighbors and I had played a joke on them that she and her husband were going to be chaperons. I'd made school letterhead, the letter was believable, it was very funny - at least we thought so. I thought H would get a laugh but H never called me back. He finally called me back late this am and I told him that I'd called because I thought he might be interested in S16's evening. H said he was interested but he'd rather speak to S16. I also asked him who I needed to contact about our leaking gas lanterns on our house. He said he didn't know...just light them and the problem would be solved. He's such and ASS!!! Called H's brother and he helped me.
I a few weeks ago I found out that OW had been involved with another man from Sept - Dec. 2007. I called the man to verify and he acknowledged everything but said he had left her because she was getting too klingy. She wanted someone to support her and her 3 kids. His words. I also found out that she'd racked up $30K in credit card debt that her xh is still paying for. Her xh had also given her $30K to get situated after their divorce but she told everyone that he left her in debt and didn't give her any money. Her xh has verified that he did take a $60K loan on his 401K to pay off her credit card he didn't know about and the $30K to get her on her feet after their D. Do I tell H?
About 8 yrs about I'd taken out a $10K signature loan to pay off a credit card H didn't know about and to reduce the payments and repayment time on our credit card. H found out about it 6 yrs ago and it was all paid off. It never caused us to be late for any bills, put us in any financial bind, etc. But when I asked H why he cheated, he brought up the loan and said a deception is a deception. So he was justified in cheating on me because of my signature loan. Crazy I know but he's trying to justify everything he's done to me and our S's. Do I tell H about her big debt and lies?
A little help here would be appreciated. I believe he needs to know but I don't think he'll believe me.
I sent H a copy of Treese's D's paper. I thought it was very insightful and very well written. Treese, I think your daughter is amazing and she gets it.
We have an S that is 16 too. I wanted H to see the view of D from someone their age. H just said it looks like it was written by a 16 yrs old and they don't understand adult issues. Well, H doesn't seem to understand them either.
I'm still torn by whether or not I should tell H about OW's OM and her credit card debt.
Any feed back from anyone would be GREATLY appreciated.
Thanks Breton, I've been slipping the past few week.
I just found out that S16 is going to H's for weekend. Of course, H didn't let me know anything about this. S16 hasn't been to H's since 7/6/08. Now he's going over there?!?
I was planning a fun camping trip for us with some friends. I guess I need to find something else to do since S16 can't go and their wives aren't coming. I don't think it would look right if I went by myself with them. Eventhough we've been friends for 14 yrs. and the wives all know I'd never do anything like that, I just think it wouldn't look right.
. K I know that it doesn't help now. But you know, tell yourself that you are going to be okay today. That you can get through. Then tell yourself the same thing tomorrow. This part of life sucks, no one will tell you different. But I am telling you that it gets better. In 7 months, no matter what, you will have your head held high and walking with that dignity as the woman that God wants you to be.