Theoden - I recognize your name - you may have posted to me under my old name "w8ing".
I have thought about talking to my in-laws and may do that at some point. I am not there yet as far as being able to do this.
I have spoken to my daughters. They are and continue to be my priority. And their "moral compass" has been a concern to me. There have been other things that H has done that has caused me concern because of the example that he had set for the girls. They know that adults aren't perfect and we make mistakes. They make mistakes and I still love them - they know that this is the same for adults. My older one recognizes this, my younger one is still processing it.
Nothing more has been said about increased time. I am not pursuing it because they are better off with me. And I don't say this in a vindictive manner. He doesn't know what to do with them, he doesn't even know how to speak to them. I was stunned by D's request, but then thought about it. It simply isn't going to happen because it isn't in their best interests. I had to laugh though - you mentioned summer vacation, holidays, etc. H has never asked for any of this. He goes on vacation with his friends, OW....not his daughters. I can't imagine going on vacation without them.
My DB strategy was like most here - try and save the marriage, realize that the chance of that is slim, then go into survivial mode, and try and save me. I have survived and am very close to saving me. You are right - I haven't set a lot of boundaries. I think people who are newer to this are so afraid of doing the wrong thing to make them run further that we don't set up boundaries. I am at the point where I don't care what he thinks - if he crosses the line with me - I will call him on it. I don't raise my voice, I am not sarcastic. I state my point, why it is an issue, etc. He gets defensive and I call him on it. It is usually at this point that he backs down.
I know what you are saying about not pretending that everything is okay and the people taking sides issue. Although my intent has always been to take the high road, my real goal in not speaking to others has been so it would die a fast death on the gossip grapevine. I thought there would be less chance that my daughters would hear of the crap going on. How does talking to others help me or my situation? I don't ask this in a sarcastic manner - I am geniunely interested in your comments on this.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Up - I have figured out that OW is very insecure and doesn't have much confidence, even though she tries to project herself as very confident. The fact that he continues to try and justify his bad behavior and the fact that she actually got involved with him - not healthy or normal at all. I actually feel bad for her children. The role models that they have for relationships include their father who cheated, left, divorced, remarried and is rumored to be cheating again...and their mother who was cheated on, divorced, had a 5 year long relationship destroyed by her cheating with her BF's best friend (my H). Oh and the fact that she was my friend...... What wonderful examples these girls have to follow.
