I am picking it up at Borders this week. the changes are definitely me, of that I no longer question. Things i am doing are pretty much things that need to be done around my house, they were things she has bitched about and were brought up in conversations with ehr mother and friends about why she was leaving and unhappy and the rest. i still haven't got a good answer other than she was unhappy, we grew apart, yet she never answers me as to why we never talked aboutit or when I would ask what the problem was with her, she would tell me nothing. Anyway, I am doing these things becasue thats how I used to be, I hate things not done. Past couple of years, i just wasn't into it. I am now. Amazing what happens when you take the beer goggles off. My daughters have told me how much like me this way. i had apologized to all my kids for being an absent father the past couple of years or so. that I was always looking for the next party and really didn't give anything else its just deserves. it was part of my change, I needed to admit to myself I had become what I hated and I needed to apologize to my kids for not being who i should be. We all cried, I am rgiht now typing this. I have had many times reflecting on what I had become hurt me. I can see why she fell out of love, but where was the conversation, discussion, anything....She is still in the party mode and hasn't from what i can see, done any reflection as to why I got the way I got (her drinking and agressivbe flirting). Her mother tells me she has admitted it to her, but it never came up in the 3 conversations we had about why she left. I am constantly in pain, and from what I read, this is normal, i am not extending it, it just takes time. The thing i hate most of all is my changing and moving forward and her movement is virtually non existent. this not just my view. As Sandi has said she is in a fantasy fog, which most people are agreeing with. I don't like hearing about her from her friends. A psychiatrist had told me that if she is having financial difficulties, not to help her. that will "ground " her. Take her out of the fantasy and push her into the reality. I guess I can see it. I have heard the term Tough Love, but I have always taken care of her. I am being told to stop or at least delay my help. I feel that will push her away. But then again i thoght NC would distance her and it brings her a little closer. This is very hard for me. I am doing everything we used to do on my own. It hurts, I accept my role in the marriage breaking down and understand I have to pay this price for now, but I would love to know that she is watching as you had said and feeling for my trails and tribulations. The pain gets worse, I guess thats what you and Sandi meant by it'll get worse before it gets better. This site gives me the best hope. I am getting the book. I had read another about understanding her midlife crisis and a lot of the "do's" are quite similar. I have to have hope, as you can now obviously tell. Without I feel my self crashing into an abyss. Beinghome nd ealing with everything, cooking dinner, paying bills, and what not does not leave me very much time for myself. i try to get to the gym a couple times a week. I go to my camp on weekends, but honestly, the memories we had there and the fact that I know he has been there recently has tainted the place. My friends there are incredible, they have a new found repect and admiration for me. I was a drunken, drama ass.....But, they forgave me everything....They asaw her and her antics, and are not so sure they can forgive her as quickly. They are not playing favorites, but they have noticed she is detaching from her friends for the new younger crowd. she looks out of place with them. Sitting across form her Friday night, that close to her and to really not say anything or acknowledge her was the hardest thing I have had to do lately. I was really having a good time so there was no act. But I just want to grab her and say "Let's get off the sh@#! You are my wife, I hate what I had become but you had a hand in making me that way, let's wipe the slate and get on track! I won't giv eup on us no matter what you say or do!" Won't do it, but it is what i want to do. i do agree that I can't let her back to quickly, and that hurts. Again, i want to thank you and Sandi. I read small pieces of your sitch. I don't really know that much about it. God bless you and your strength. I hope to keep gaining some momentum from you all.
