I never got the words...I had to read actions...because he would tell me he was never moving back to town and yet he did...then he said he was moving to be closer to our son...but ended up seeing me more...it was a slow process because he really was a scared mess...he had hurt his family deeply and I don't think he knew how to ask for forgiveness, or if even if he was worthy of being forgiven...he had some major depression issues that came up during all of this...
nds you are doing so well. It seems that your sitch has turned in the past few weeks as you've pointed out. I'm sure it's hard as things improve to be holding onto that one piece of 'evidence' that hasn't come yet. But think about this - if you were to get that piece of evidence and she actually said it to you, would that be enough? Sometimes we think something or some words will change our thoughts or behavior but when it actually comes it doesn't have the desired effect.
I'll give you an example. I've been frustrated the last few weeks about not having any physical contact with my W besides a hug and kiss on the cheek in the morning. This weekend we actually made out on her initiative. Now before that happened I thought getting that kind of physical signal would set me on feeling that we are finally arriving. It did answer the question of whether she still had feelings of chemistry and attraction for me - no doubt I felt it this weekend. But it didn't have the impact on my psyche that I thought it would. Now my standard has changed to how about that kind of interaction a couple times a week, and throw in some snuggling and hand holding while you're at it. With this thinking I tend to overlook the time I just had and how nice it was.
Sometimes we hold onto a piece that we are not getting and it makes us lose focus on the positive things that are actually happening in the present moment. It acts as a sort of distraction. Kind of like the person who buys a new car and they feel fulfilled for a short time, then they are onto the next fix. I'm not saying this is happening to you, but I think if she met the bar you have set in your mind, the bar would merely change to something else you need to see. That movement of the bar can go on endlessly until we actually put a stop to it altogether. I speak from my own experience in this and it's just my point of view.
Anyway, I'm glad you are doing well.
Hey Steady Some good points and I can see what you are saying...makes me think about this past weekend with my wife, and how maybe I am finally starting to pay attention to the "little things".
First was the bar incident and just the simple fact that it went no further and did not turn into a reminder, a don't get your hopes up, etc.
Another was the "chicken wing text"...unusual for her to go out of her way to ask what I want and then go out of her way to make sure I got it.
That night she made wings, some homemade mac and cheese, we watched football, hung out in the living room and sat by each other most of the night on the couch just chatting and being close. One note about that night...although I had a couple beers when I got home, she cooked and was busy before she came into sit down, and did not have a drink until the end of the night as we were cuddling up on the couch.
We both are still doing a little too much drinking, but I have noticed a change in her behavior when there is not alcohol involved....looser and more relaxed without it...more conversation...like she is not using the alcohol to get past the sitch and allow her feelings to show...they are there at times without it.
That night we kissed, stayed close and I pushed a bit to ML and got rebuffed....I told her that it seems we always end up there, and sometimes I push, sometimes she does, but wanted to let her know how much I enjoy the closeness even when we don't. I asked her to come to bed, instead of falling asleep on the couch and she did.
In bed we made plans to get up early, and head out for the day. Another thing that is going to sound silly with all that we do, but we have not planned a day out together near home in ages...concerts, weekend getaways...partying.you name it. We have not just spent a simple day doing something fun in a long time.
The plan was a local garlic festival in the morning, then close by was a beer and wine festival. If we got up and stuck to our plan we would have time for both and get home to watch the football game.
It is hard to put my finger on it, but there was something so different coming from her yesterday. Joking with each other, wise comments, poking and pinching and ba** busting....a silly, fun day that reminded so much of the early days of our relationship. We walked close and pointed things out to each other, tried different foods, people watched and had fun. At the garlic festival we joked about our breath and checked each others to see how bad it was after sampling all the foods that were there.
At the beer and wine festival the same thing...she was there for the wine and both of us for the beer. I let her show off her wine knowledge as we walked around and talked to the people from the different wineries and sampled as many as we could.
The beer section was more for both of us and she showed her "beer and pretzel" side...we sampled a bunch, had some lunch, laughed, joked and had a ball.
Home for the football game, some snacks and I made us a late dinner, as we had already taken something out to thaw when we left.
She was close and affectionate and last night it was her that initiated all the intimacy.
Regardless of all the good times, the closeness and intimacy I know that this sitch could still go either way, and the direction could be more up to me and my attitude than hers.
Although my heart still needs to hear the words from her that she wants to work on our marriage, my mind, ears and eyes are starting to see and hear a different tone from her, that makes it easier to keep working towards the goal of hearing it from her.
I never got the words...I had to read actions...because he would tell me he was never moving back to town and yet he did...then he said he was moving to be closer to our son...but ended up seeing me more...it was a slow process because he really was a scared mess...he had hurt his family deeply and I don't think he knew how to ask for forgiveness, or if even if he was worthy of being forgiven...he had some major depression issues that came up during all of this...
I would say to follow actions more then words...
Lin
Hey Lin I was writing and working as you were posting....as you can see this weekend was one of actions from her...positive ones I think.
Not that there have not been many over the months, but I also have a tendency to pay more attention to the negative actions that I see at times. Little things like her turning her cheek in the morning when I kiss her goodbye, the limp hugs I get at times...her not initiating a hug or a kiss. Those are some of the changes I have noticed over the last few weeks....along with the relaxed attitude.
Nice nds. Good for you. It's funny you mentioned the banter with the ba**busting and joking each other. My W and I had a bunch of that yesterday and it has been missing in our relationship for a long time.
Nice to see you had a nice weekend filled with fun and closeness.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Steady...I see our posts following a similar theme...normal everyday stuff, with maybe a little rant or vent thrown in for good measure. The vents and rants seemingly caused by our own lack of patience or perspective for the situation.
All of sudden I am realizing that the roller coaster has smoothed out quite a bit. Sunday was a good day with the festivals. Monday was work for me and she stayed home and cooked and cleaned...something I am seeing a little often on her days off, rather than looking for an excuse to get out for the day and not be home when I get there. Then again, Monday Night Football was on, and her new found interest keeps her close to home when there is a game on.
I think with the sitch the way it is now, I should be trying to put more effort into her love languages.....don't really have a handle on them yet, but I have thought a lot about it the last few days and I think without realizing maybe I have been doing a better job than I thought.
She went so many years without any words of affirmation or praise from me that I think when they come the "fake" light bulb goes off in her head sometimes. With all of the cooking she does, I always try to get compliments and appreciation in when I can. The times when we cook together, I let her lead rather than butt heads about ingredients and procedures like we used to do....this past weekend she asked me if I wanted, and then made, her special chicken wings and famous mac and cheese for us....Monday was meatloaf....more "comfort food".
The touching has progressed to a point where she has actually asked for certain things lately...foot or leg rub, lotion on her hands and arms, or back. The first few months I got many "you don't have to do that's", or "go ahead, if you want to. I can't refuse a foot rub". Now I just grab the lotion, go sit by her on the couch and start in...and get directions for certain spots, or a "ahh, that feels so good".
Yesterday I had planned to change the oil in her car, as a chore for the day...not an act of service.
She called in the morning to ask me to drop off something for her at work, and I told her I was going to switch cars to change the oil, and I asked her if she wanted lunch, so I made her up something from home and went to switch cars....got a nice sincere smile when I walked in and a big thank you when I left.
I changed the oil and decided to clean the car for her. That turned into a full blown afternoon detail job, top to bottom, inside and out....I dropped the car off with it looking and smelling great, gas and all the fluids filled....also picked her up an iced coffee on the way.
Left without saying a word about the car, and an hour later I got text.."Thank you. car looks great".
Last night when she got home I asked if she wanted to go out to dinner and she balked a little, but then said yes. I asked where and my suggestion was a favorite place of ours.....up to you she said....on the way I asked if she was sure about the choice...she said "I told you, it's up to you..I am letting you lead the way".
I laughed a little to myself when I heard that....not so sure who is leading the way right now.
Nice dinner....good conversation...nice ride and more conversation...home early and off to bed....together. No ML, nothing crazy...just a kiss good night and my arm around her as we fell asleep.
The vents and rants seemingly caused by our own lack of patience or perspective for the situation.
So stop taking the temperature. You are gaining perspective but it goes against years of beliefs. Have a open mind to what might work. About LLs, how does your W love on you? Most people love others according to what makes them feel loved. Make sense?
Quote:
"ahh, that feels so good".
Quote:
.."Thank you. car looks great".
Quote:
...she said "I told you, it's up to you..I am letting you lead the way".
Have you not been looking for words to see if she loves you?! Here's your sign! Make it a goal not ask how you are doing (maybe your LL is WOA?) or ask her about the R. It's growing and blossoming whether you ask or not. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
What makes you feel loved? Now look at what your W does for you? Cooking - AOS, Hanging out - QT I like to be touched so I touch my W, it's not her LL so it doesn't fill her up.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
About LLs, how does your W love on you? Most people love others according to what makes them feel loved. Make sense?
Honestly, no...you mean do I know my own LL?
He means most people use their own love language to express love to the other person although the other person may have a totally different love language. If you like touching, then you'll touch your spouse to show your love. If quality time is it, then you'll spend quality time with your spouse. The problem is your spouse may not have touching and quality time as their love language, so you think you're showing love but your spouse is not feeling love because they have a different love language than yours.
So if you watch how your W shows you love, you will figure out what her love language is by how she shows it to you. The way she shows it may not fill up your love bucket if it isn't your LL.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
So, going by what you guys are saying, I can take some of these more recent actions from her as possibly her trying to "show me some love"?...LOL.
Cooking me something specifically that I asked about or she knows I like? The first few months after the bomb I would cook or we would go out. She rarely grocery shopped or made dinner. The other day she did the laundry and folded and hung my things before I got home....been a long time since she did that...acts of service?
Touching....one time a while ago while we were being close, she put her hand on my cheek and I held it there and told her I liked that. Now when we are being close or intimate, she always puts her hand on my face, or rubs my cheek. All through our marriage, I never remember that as something she did....touching my face.
Quality time....close to home and me the last few weeks, with very little time out with the girls, or at friends and relatives. Things she did most often in the beginning....that I assumed were to get away and have some space.
While I was writing this I got a text..."Oh my god...you must be busy. you haven't texted me all day".
I said...Thinking the same thing about you. figured you didn't want to be bothered...busy though. skipped lunch and very hungry..lol.
She texted back..."me too. what do you want for dinner?"
Maybe there is something to this love language thing??
