Hi everyone. I've posted a few times on the newcomer's board, but have recently received divorce papers. I never gave a good recap of my situation so I will do-so here.
We met in college. I was a year older than her. She had transferred from a different school to follow her boyfriend from high school. They broke up shortly after she transferred. I didn't meet her right away. She liked another guy that I played basketball with. He had a GF, and cheated/slept with a lot of women. Shortly after that, we started talking. Nothing physical happened with us right away. Just spent time together watching movies, talking, etc. We gradually got more involved and spent more time together. She was very needy and ended up spending most of her time with me and my friends.
We had a good sexual relationship as far as I was concerned. She never kissed/made-out with me like my previous girlfriends had done. I was always a little disappointed with that, but as a person she was caring and loving - especially with her family (which is very important to me).
She changed her major from biology to marketing... I think because she wanted to be more like me... accounting/finance major. She wanted to be a teacher I think, but changed for no apparent reason, which she would later regret - along with her choice to change schools.
We had quite a few issues while in college... I flirted too much and kept contact with an ex-GF when I shouldn't have. Nothing ever happened, but she was extremely jealous and checked e-mail, etc (same things I did when she started walking-away from our marriage).
I took a job in another state when I graduated. We made time on the weekends to get together quite often. During this time, I dedicated my time to getting my CPA. She became a really good cross country runner. Many thought she had an eating disorder during this time... she lost a ton of weight and didn't eat very much while exercising 3 times a day some days. I never worried about her cheating on me at all. She actually worked/lived a summer where we live now and I never worried about her cheating then either.
We got married and she moved to the other state with me. Our goal was to move back to our original state. She never really dedicated herself to looking for a job. I looked for her and pushed her to work on her resume. This ended with me doing almost all the work and her shooting down any oportunities.
Before we got married, I knew money management was very important because it is the number 1 cause of divorce. Well I had a plan and asked her to work on it with me. She would always agree to whatever I said and never said much. Her actions were different, however. She would spend wrecklessly and it would stress me out. Not to mention her step-dad bought her a new car 2 months before we got married... said he'd make the couple payments and then it was ours...GEE THANKS!
We did end up moving back to our home area ... when she actually found a job on her own. I found one as well so we moved. Things were good. She didn't like her job though... she never stuck with anything very long and no one was surprised. Not to mention - she got pregnant right before she quit the job. Our sex life was terrible, in my opinion after we got married. During the time we got pregnant, we were trying and it didn't take long for it to happen. We were married Oct. 2005 and had S Feb. 2007.
W quit working as I mentioned. I didn't like my job working for a start-up that wasn't going to make it, so I got back into public accounting and it took a move approx 1 hour from our home towns which seemed good for us. She was 7 months pregnant when we moved. We had the baby during tax season, but she had been through one before and seemed to be doing well with it. She would not let anyone help with the baby and a big blow-up with my mom and her made things very stressful even to this day. W would not listen to any suggestions from me, and said she would take care of everything. She did a really good job I thought.
After being a SAHM for 8 months and "looking" for a job I saw an advertisement and she applied and got the job. It wasn't something she thought she would ever do, but she enjoyed it and the people she worked with. Our S at daycare was an adjustment, but it was going well. Ever since our S was born, we never did things as a couple. She never wanted to leave him, and I was stressed about money. She said she wanted a new house and I was working hard to save for it. She continued to spend spend spend. A $400 coach purse here, a $500 1-year old picture setting for S, $1000/ month for 3 months on clothes just for W. I shut down. I drove a crappy car, didn't buy anythign for myself, stopped enjoying life... worried about saving for house/retirement/etc.
After this tax season... W started golf lessons with friends. She started staying out later and later, and eventually started not coming home. She started hiding her phone, not parking in the garage, not keeping the car seat in her car. She started losing weight, was running or walking for 1 hour a night. She stopped doing things around the house... never wanted to cook supper.
I was taking care of S. Snooping to find OM, or what was going on. Things finally blew up and she asked for space - wanted to stay with parents (who had moved to our new town shortly after we did - just to be closer to us and grandson (as far as I'm concerned)). She said she wasn't happy, was depressed, stressed, and needed time to collect her thoughts. I said OK. That weekend, I didn't check up on her Friday night, but Saturday night I did and she was out at the bars. Me and her step-dad tracked her down... she said she was only having one drink because a girlfriend from work asked her to come out.
She came back home. Spend the weekend of the 4th of July with friends while I was with S and my family who also lives in town. She wouldn't talk to me at home. She acted like she was single... didn't tell me when she'd be home or if she did she said it would be early, but then it was 12:30 or 2:30 or the next morning. During this time she was also spending a lot of money. Like I mentioned before, $3,000 on clothes for her in 3 months, $600 cash withdrawals in the last month before separation.
Approx July 13 she moved to her parents... and moved everything out... we separated finances because I said I can't live like this... a wife that acts single, won't talk to me, stays out all night and spends money irresponsibly.
For 2 weeks, I drove myself crazy. I went to counseling and I asked for a book to help me deal with what I was going through. Counselor gave me 5 love languages. I started doing those things. Trying to listen to her - she didn't want to talk, sent flowers, picture frame with our pictures - she didn't want any of it... gradually she went from married to single on facebook. She said atleast I didn't delete pictures. A few days later she deleted all pictures of me. Then she took her ring off.
2 weeks of this and I found the Divorce Busting site. I read everything and the next 2 weeks were spent DB'ing. I did really well, until the 2 weeks were up and then I tried to talk with her and it ended with me wanting to know where she stood. I would get mad and threaten divorce and at one point her step-dad recommended divorce to me to get her to come home... in hindsight he may have known she was filing because the divorce papers were signed 2 days after that. She waited 3 weeks to serve me with the papers. Not sure why she did it when she did.
That was Friday.
Her complaints about me:
I never ask her to do anything anymore. I am always on the computer. She doesn't feel appreciated for the work she does for our son. I watch porn (maybe once or twice a month to masturbate).
Her comments about how she was feeling:
She has been unhappy for a long time (1 - 1.5 years (since son was born)). She regrets things: changing schools, changing majors, getting married young, having S to soon, not moving to different area to pursue a job she would like. Always said "my head is going to explode", "i'm stressed, tired, watching favorite tv show" when I wanted to talk about family issues/finances, etc. She has always hung up the phone, walked out the door, thrown things when we would have a discussion. She always thought I was yelling at her (I talk in a "stern" voice I guess when we argue.
We split time with our son currently. She has not followed anything we agreed upon. She took more than her share of our money. Basically, I think she is showing me she is in control.
I don't want a divorce, but I think this is probably the end of the road for us.
We both come from divorced parents. Hers are "happily" remarried... meaning they put up with their current spouses. My dad is an alcoholic. He remarried once and divorced again. I lived with him my entire life thru college. My mom is bi-polar and is doing well now - she is happily remarried. I have 2 younger brothers... my youngest has issues with alcohol/drugs and recently spent about a month in a mental hospital for some stress related disorder - not sure what really happened.
I have always felt like the 'parent' in my family. There were times when I was the only one with a drivers license. I tried to advise my younger brothers. I was very successful in school and sports. My family tells it how it is. We don't hold anything back... we fight, argue and then still love each other.
My W's family is very fake.. they pretend like everyone is friends... new spouses, etc pretend to get along. They never fight about anything, just keep it inside just like my wife.
Just keep in mind that even if she came back now nothing would be different...you'd still have issues with her spending (who wouldn't). You can certainly work through whatever issues you may have, but she's got a lot to do also...so there is no hurry on reconciling. Work to make your new found single life more fulfilling. Make yourself happy (or at least fake it until you can make it). Focus on being the best dad possible. Don't let your feelings for her make you an enabler of her poor choices and spending habits.
I wonder how well she's going to survive without you. Do you think she has someone else? Sure sounds like all the makings of a person having an affair...or at least looking to.
Makingchanges, it may help to consider that just because there are divorce papers, even if the divorce goes though, doesn't mean that you'll never be together again. But you need to use this time to grow and become the person you want to be. If she doesn't grow as well to fit in with your life...then you can decide down the line not to try again. For now it has to be about you.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Yes, she does need to make changes if I want to be with her. I will do almost anything to keep our family together.
I wonder how well she is going to survive without me as well. I'm pretty sure there is OM, but everyone claims there isn't (W, in-laws, friends that she has gone out with) although there are many times she has been out and unaccounted for. I think there is someone.
I have a small hope that she is trying to prove that she can do this without me. She felt that I controlled her by telling her she couldn't have certain things (purses, house, new car, etc). Always complained that I acted like her father, and I always complained she acted like a child.
I think she was also overwhelmed with taking care of our child especially after spending the first 8 months of S's life as a SAHM and then going to full-time work with little added help from me especially during a long tax season.
I have a question about how to approach the custody question. I have yet to seek counsel from an attorney. She has asked for joint care custody. I think I would like to go for full custody because of her recent behavior, irresponsibility with money, and her lack of discipline with our son.
I re-read DR last night, and I was still making mistakes, up-to and including this past Sunday. I always want her to say something (anything really) to me.
Also, today she e-mailed me 3 times about our S's daycare. When we separated and split our money, she didn't follow our agreement. In addition we agreed to split daycare costs, well she didn't pay for her half of last months payment. She e-mailed me today to ask me to re-open an account so we could both put our half in and then the daycare takes an auto-withdrawal. I've asked her to set up the auto-withdrawal on her account and I will reimburse her because I can't trust her to do the same for me.
I also cancelled our Disney trip when I received the divorce papers. I don't feel comfortable spending another $2,000 when I have the cost of this divorce on the horizon.
I think I'm going to call a divorce busting coach to get some more advice.
Good idea on the coach, alot of great advice.Do what you need to do to protect you and your son financially.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
you can check my current situation in newcomers ...'
"situation going to hell in a hurry" is the subject...
I'm planning to file my response this week. I had the first good exchange of my S w/ W on Sunday.
I had an OK session with my first coach, then requested a different one the second time and feel I got much better advice. Just need to give it time and do the right thing for me and my son.
