Wow! It been nearly a week since I posted last to my thread. It doesn't seem like it was that long ago. ... but I have been reading all your responses.
Overall, I have doing pretty good. There's been some ups & downs, so I'm going to use a slightly different format here. This might even resemble on of sage's formats.
The downs this week:
Sunday morning, CAW (starting to seem to inpersonal to keep typing "W") gets dress as if she is going out (whole different attire than if she was staying home). I ask if she was going out as she made no mention of it. She replied, she wanted to do a few errands. I went about my business like I was alright about it (which I was, altho I would have liked an invite like the ones I make just like the day before, but ... ) When she got back, she walked in with a Walmart bag. I made the comment that there were a couple of things I would have liked to pick up there had I known. She got all flustered and got melodramatic ... "I won't ever go out alone again!" This is was a flashback to how she was a victim of my control. So I intended to break this old pattern. As I started to respond, she kept interrupting with, don't worry about it, but I will never go out alone again!" I then change my tone to a firm but not raised voice and said, "You are going to hear me out! I got no problem with you wanting to go out. It just would had been nice if you asked if I was interested in where you were going to either go with you or see if I would have like something pickup where you were going like I did yesterday. If I had no interest, I wouldn't have mind you going out on your own. So don't tell me you can't go out on your own again! ... and that was that. The next day, while sitting on the bed again, she made a reference to be stuck in her prison again. I challenge again with, "Are you still mad about yesterday?" She said, "No, it me. I just don't feel like doing anything again." I said, "That's your choice." and left the room.
- As I mention in recent post, CAW has come to believe that her "big" panic attacks are part of the symptoms of her PMS. Well they been steadily getting more frequent and worse as the week progresses. Over the weekend she started taking the Xanax in the evening, which seem to help at first, but made her kinda drowsy during the day ... and Sunday nite she took the med but still had a "big" one.
- When ever we talk on the phone, I would end the conversation with ILY and she give the obligatory ILY back and I would say bye. This is the only time I get a ILY except for two other times this year when said them first. So this week I decided to do a 180 here and not say ILY and pause to see how she would end it. There's been some awkward pauses, so I would then say "see you later" and wait. Still some more awkwardness from her, then I would say "bye". I won't make the ILY's anymore, but I think I will continue to end the phone call with a quick "SYL" so there is no more awkward pauses. Its obvious she is just not in the place where she feels it yet. PERIOD.
- Which brings me to even tho there are many positives to that I deliberately going to list last to end this on a positve note and I do believe she is drawing closer and it is getting better, its in the back of my mind this is only happening now, because OM had been out of town for a month as just now learned from an outside source. Now only if there was a way to keep him from coming back...
OK, now for the positives:
- She's been placing her head on my shoulder more and more. She only seems to do this when she feels good in OR.
- She mentioned this weekend about wanting to see a movie when its released ... a western of all things.
- She set a date and started planning to celebrate for D17's 18th b-day coming up this weekend.
- Monday evening, for the first time in over two months, she let me please her in ways that have always endeared her to me ... and it ended up with her being pleasantly shocked by the number of times she was moved. (I'll let it go at that as I don't want to sound like I'm bragging), but Tuesday nite she mention she like some more, but her PMS was not longer "P". I still offered my services, but she declined with a smile.
Its getting late and I gotta leave for home, so I'll end it here for now...
Thanks again for all that have stopped by. I do owe a debt of gratitude to each and every one of you. I would be where I'm at now if it weren't for you.
Good to get an update from you. Sorry the roller coaster ride continues, but definitely some pluses too!
She definitely overreacted about the Walmart thing. It is just courtesy to ask your SPOUSE if they need anything when you go there!!!
About the ILY's.. I think that's a good move. Those obligatory ILY's are maybe worse than none at all. Just recently CJ (I Think) stopped his usual initiation of the ILY, perhaps to see if I'd pick up the ball...I did, but it DID take me aback not to hear it the first few times!
Don't doubt that she's noticed.
So is CAW getting some hormonal tests? There is a disorder called Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) in which about 5% of women experience extreme mood disorder ONLY during the Luteal phase of their period (week or so before)...these symptoms are markedly different from how the women feel the rest of the month...is that familiar??
Interestingly, the treatment of choice is one of the new antidepressants! What DON'T those things treat???
KAW, Sorry it took me so long to get here. Thank you for your wonderful welcome to Piecing. I'm so glad I'm here.
I've just read this thread, and not previous ones, but it is clear that your W is struggling with a mental health issue, whether it be panic disorder or depression or Bipolar Disorder or something else. Apart from the Xanax, is she in any other form of treatment? (I'm a psychologist by the way.) Actually, it worries me to hear that she has Xanax, because it can be addictive and she can build a tolerance to it. There are antidepressants out there that have antipanic qualities that she should look into.
Anyway, I know how hard this must be for you not knowing what is really going on in her head. You are doing a phenomenal job detaching from it. But I didn't get a sense of what your interests are and how you're spending your time when you're not at work or with W. Are you keeping busy?
Here's my advice. Next time you want to post a big list of positives and negatives...just delete the negatives part. You know those things are there but try not to magnify them...listing them like that will magnify them in your mind. However, the positives you do want to magnify..so go ahead and list away.
The next thing you should do is take every one of those positives and ask yourself the question.."Is there anything I can think of that I did that might have allowed that to happen or made it more likely to happen?" Take stock of your positives and try to do some of the things that came about from answering that question to see if you can use action to get any of them to repeat. Pretty soon there will be so few negatives it won't even cross your mind to list them.
A dream it's true
But I'd see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you
-Band:Phish Song:Waste
Wow, now you have two psychologists posting on your thread! I didn't know you were one of the fold, Yashie! ...I agree about the Xanax, I have an Rx for that too, but I am VERY careful about keeping the dose low and it is an accompaniment to my main source of chemical aid: Celexa.
Thanks again for your thought-provoking post to me...it sure generated a LOT of ideas!
Hiya Sue, yea sometimes I get uncomfortable writing about the ups and downs, because they seems to swing to such extremes that it might sound like I'm crying "wolf" when things seem down. I mean ... she went from not being able to look me in the eyes at all on Thursday nite after having fun at the fair and D9 spent the night at a friends house so we were alone in the house to the kinda nite we had on Tuesday!
Shiny, I been recommending that she have some hormonal tests done since last year. Back in January, she finally called an endocrinologist (she is also diabetic, so it couldn't hurt), but the didn't have an opening any sooner than April, so she didn't make it hoping to find another that could see her sooner. She never followed up and now its summer. After school was out and now she felt she had time to see someone, I mentioned it again. She went to her general physican, who then prescribed the Xanax to use as needed (doc did warn it was addictive) when she felt a panic attack coming on. She can sense them most of the time and didn't recommend seeing an endocrinologist, but suggested seeing her OBGYN if she felt they were related to her monthly cycle. She hasn't made that appointment yet either. Can a OBGYN order hormonal tests? What's name of the tests that should be requested?
Yashie, I'm glad you're "here" too and thanks for dropping in. For about eight years she has been on Prozac. Last spring, her psychologist upped the dosage from 40mg to 80mg stating the medical term as "Prozac poop-out" for her recent returning symptoms of depression, but it doesn't seem as effective as when she first went on it and it really hasn't lessen the panic attack that came back last year and stayed. While she has told me directly, the indirect comments she makes lead me to believe she attributes her unhappiness and depression to her wanting to be with OM, therefore she believes no medical intervention will help, altho she does take her medication routinely.
Yashie, I have quite a few interests and hobbies the keep me busy. In fact, I have had to actually curb them back some, because that was a main resentment on her part in feeling I was spending too much time on my interest. So I've learn to balance it better, plus I learn to spend more time bonding with D9 too.
Quoting JJ: What things are you doing lately that are "enabling" CAW to step up in the relationship a bit?
How have you been maybe nudging her towards being an active participant in your relationship, instead of just a passive observer?
If I understand your question correctly JJ, you are asking what have I been doing lately that has brought her back more to participating more in R. Lets see if I can do this without getting long worded. Actually, I think finding more of the balance I just mentioned to Yashie. At first, I spent too much time doing my thing. Last year I did my 180 and made the priority of my attention and I think after a while it smothered her a bit, especially if she wasn't asking for it. Now, I offer to spend time with her if she wants, but if she just wants to sit there on the bed, I let her know she choosing to be bored and I'm not going to miss out on doing the stuff we enjoy doin too, so if she doesn't join in I do them with D9 or do my own thing. Hearing D9 come back and say what a great time she had with Dad as well as my PMA seems to have the effect of making her realize what she is missing out on some good stuff and now wants to join in more.
Altho, more directly about the intimacy of the R, I can't help but wonder if its because the forced distance between her and OM because he's been out of town for the past month and she's just feeling lonely and I'm just a warm body to fill in for him while he can't be near. See how those thoughts form just like that! This is my current struggle within. I know I should know better than make such assumptions but until I know in my heart that OM is no longer in the picture, I've really become too skeptical of whether I'm really all that effective in what I do towards bringing her closer to seem to dismiss these negative thoughts. While I never really expressed it here before in these words ... but there are days (quite a few actually) where I believe if he asked her to move in with him, she would be gone ... so I'm just the next best thing...
Enough of that ... yes I don't ponder on it too long and I do move on, but they just keep coming back ... moving on ...
This is taking longer that I expected and have overrun my lunch break and I have lots to do today since I will be on vacation next week ... nothing planned yet do to money, but CAW just told me we just got a call on the raffle I enter at the fair for a free trip ... so who knows ... might be a fun-filled vacaton afterall ...
... but I have been reading all your responses.
) When she got back, she walked in with a Walmart bag. I made the comment that there were a couple of things I would have liked to pick up there had I known. She got all flustered and got melodramatic ... "I won't ever go out alone again!" This is was a flashback to how she was a victim of my control. So I intended to break this old pattern. As I started to respond, she kept interrupting with, don't worry about it, but I will never go out alone again!" I then change my tone to a firm but not raised voice and said, "You are going to hear me out! I got no problem with you wanting to go out. It just would had been nice if you asked if I was interested in where you were going to either go with you or see if I would have like something pickup where you were going like I did yesterday. If I had no interest, I wouldn't have mind you going out on your own. So don't tell me you can't go out on your own again! 
... and that was that. The next day, while sitting on the bed again, she made a reference to be stuck in her prison again. I challenge again with, "Are you still mad about yesterday?" She said, "No, it me. I just don't feel like doing anything again." I said, "That's your choice." and left the room.
See how those thoughts form just like that! This is my current struggle within. I know I should know better than make such assumptions but until I know in my heart that OM is no longer in the picture, I've really become too skeptical of whether I'm really all that effective in what I do towards bringing her closer to seem to dismiss these negative thoughts.