I feel ashamed and pathetic.

[Bagheera]

Greetings, Mr. P (please, do change your screen name to something positive!);

The others above are giving you excellent advice. The first step towards fixing your Sex-Starved Marriage is to focus your efforts on healing YOURSELF, for YOUR own benefit.

The good news is, that it CAN be done. There are plenty of men here who can attest to that.

The 'bad' news is, that it will take a lot of time and concentrated effort on your part to affect the kinds of changes that will make a positive difference in your life.

But the rewards are well worth that effort.

In addition to this little on-line support group, I would strongly recommend finding an individual counselor that you trust and confide in --> you have plenty of issues from your past, and issues with your current relationships, that need to be delt with. Your attitudes and reactions to women, in particular, are unhealthy to the point of keeping you from ever achieving a happy and fulfilling relationship.

You might also want to look for a "Nice Guy" support group in your local area, which would give you a chance to meet and share experiences with other men who are dealing with, and struggling through, circumstances similar to your own. You most certainly are not alone -- as the rapid replies to your thread have indicated -- it's a common theme on this board.

The most important message to you right now is: Change your marriage by changing YOURSELF in a positive way. NO ONE is advocating that you become a selfish jerk, or a bullying, domineering ass. What is being suggested is that you begin the steps toward giving yourself the respect that you deserve, and expecting that same respect from others --> not in a mean, angry way, but in a calm, assertive fashion. You can continue to be loving, caring, and supporting, but do so from a position of strength, rather than feeling like a 'doormat.'

* A 'doormat' feels used and trodden upon, and resents being TAKEN FROM.

* A man who comes from a position of strength gets a great deal of fulfillment and satifaction out of GIVING to those he loves.

This is the critical difference, and what you need to work towards. I know: easier said than done, but it CAN be done.

Bagheera