Thanks all for stopping by with many good thoughts...

LL, Bob, PnT, & Jethro,
I didn't mean to seem like I'm still hung up on reading her journal. Once, I saw where see was going with it, I don't want to read it anymore. In fact I haven't read it since June and it probably been made easier not to, because I don't believe she is continuing to journal as it was slowly getting buried under a pile of books and papers. In the past, if she stopped journalling it basically mean she believed things were getting better. This time I believe it means she was using the journal to sort out her thoughts and come up with a plan of action. The first step of that plan is the letter she wrote to D23. Mind you we were sitting side by side in bed that evening watching TV, when she picked up a pad from her nightstand and started writing, knowing I can glance over and see. Lets face it!!! There's no way, I can sit just inches away and not glance over and of course, for what I gleened I didn't get a very good feeling about it, so I did read it after she fell asleep. I don't know if she sent it. She did send a care package a week later, then came the phone call about D23 wanting to move back, so yea, I'm sitting here putting 1+1+1 together...the damage has already been done tho, my head doesn't agree with my gut anymore. I want to keep dancing hoping she will join me, but then my head start saying, "She's gonna to trip you before exiting the dance floor for good."

Yea, jethro, she is a big conflict avoider and so am I to a certain degree. In the past, this led to a lot of anger and fights. Once, something reached a certain level I felt I could no longer avoid, I would always be the first to bring it up and she would still not want to talk about it so, I would keep pursuing it until both of us got angry and then she would open with hostility. Very bad cycle!! I haven't been consistantly successful in getting her to want to open up rather then continuing to seek avoidance, so I have been letting a lot more go. That said, I also feel since our last talk in May, when she finished it with the comment, "I can't fight this anymore." I get the sense, she is trying to subtly provoke me into starting an OR talk for the purpose of her own personal agenda and right now, I don't want to give her that out. If she has something to say to me, she's gonna have to say it! Its also a 180 for me not to be first in the first to start OR talk. (May sound like a copout, but since I started DBing last year, our OR talks do work out better when I had let her initate them. The ones I've started don't always get a good outcome for either of us.).

One the other hand, if she is perhaps deciding to stay in M, then I can see her wanting to keep quiet about all this. For if she thinks I don't know about her second doubts, it will be easier to move on and forget about this episode as if it never happened.

For now, I do feel in my gut that it is not the right time for me to bring up an OR talk, but do sense that if she doesn't bring up one in the not to distant future, then I will need to.

Shiny,
When W was admitted into hospital, the only term thrown around was "manic depressive". Its now becoming increasingly tough to continue seeking medical treatment as she feels that doctors can no longer help her. Some of what you mentioned strikes some chords. I'm gonna have to read up some more about it, but it getting tougher to sell any new possible diagnose to look into. Even with reading books and such, she's fallen into this Catch-22 of when she's down, she feels adamant nothing can help her and when she feels good, then there's no need to seek help. This created a BIG complication involving OM. Whenever, she was with OM, she was in a state of euphoria, hence the solution to her problems!! I believe at some level she still believes that!

RJD, thanks for stopping by. I know you were having a rough go of it earlier this week. I'm sorry I haven't come by much this week, in fact, I feel a little selfish lately spending much of time on the bb of late posting to my own thread. Will try keep quiet now and try to catch up on everyone else in next few days...

'til later,
KAW