I don;t do much posting on the weekends, so I am doing a little catch up. I'm up to date.
You said...
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That is me to the extreme. I do a lot for a lot of people. But no one knows who I am. I had a quote on my bulletin board at my church office (from whom I don't remember)that said "it is the spirit we have, not the work we do, which makes us important to the people around us." I'm not sure I have ever learned to "fix" this. It's absolutely unconscious. And probably comes from needing to be invisible in my family of origin to escape abuse, blah blah blah
This is very common for those of us who had to become silent or peace-maker/diplomats in our FOO. We learned to get what we wanted, not by asking for it (like normal people do) but by avoiding conflict and appeasing others. We are people pleasers, who very often, don't take care of our selves. This makes us depressive and lacking self-respect/esteem. But principally it doesn't allow us to reveal our selves to others. This kills intimacy,and it invites abuse and contempt from others.
I was reading this morning that people, often, after the revelation of an affair, do everything they can to save/fix the marriage. What they are really in search of is not a fix for the marriage, but, rather, something much deeper: themselves. They search for the self, perhaps that they lost a long time ago. Perhaps this self never really emerged yet. But the core essence of the self they are looking for is the self that will not allow their spouses to treat them so cruelly.
Hoosier, you are a brilliant, spiritual, self-aware and very interesting woman. Maybe you just need to see that for yourself.
Regarding the divorce now vs. stalling question.
I don't think you should jeapordize your daughter's future under any circumstances.
Some questions to ponder...
What would stalling accomplish? If it's worth doing, how easy would it be for you to stall? How much time would it buy you? Would it hurt your settlement in the divorce? Would stalling show weakness to your husband? Would it show strength?
Hun, go easy on yourself these days. You are under tremendous strain.
